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Has anyone experienced being triggered by their wedding anniversary? I told my wife early on during the most angry part of this process that basically that day was meaningless now. I tossed my wedding band into a lake saying it didn't represent what she had promised that day. To her credit, shortly thereafter she arranged to have a jeweler friend of ours let us make our own new bands which I thought was a big step in showing empathy. Every year since Dday, the anniversary just brings up memories of how the vows were broken, how she very likely was intimate with him days around our anniversary for at least 1 year if not more so the day truly has lost its meaning to me. Visualizing them being intimate and then us being out to dinner for our anniversary days later gets the blood pressure cranked way up. My WW obviously struggles with this (trust me, I'm not sympathizing, just stating facts). I think it's a day she'd still like to "celebrate" but honestly the last few have really not brought me much joy. I've shared this with her and explained the day just makes me kind of depressed. Unfortunately the Xmas holiday turned into this as well but there are many distractions and family around which makes that better. Dday in both cases (1 affair just trickle truthed resulting in 2 Ddays) was days within Xmas. Anyone else dealt with this and what mechanisms have you used to cope with it?

Yes for sure have dealt with this. It can change over time has been my experience. We used to still celebrate it and for some reason that felt okay to me. But in the last couple of years I no longer want to celebrate it. I prefer for him to be around, available, not working, in case I have any feelings I want or need to share. We might go out to dinner just so no one has to cook. But I no longer want it to be a celebration. It is now more like a day of reflection. I wouldn’t be surprised if that also changes with time again.

Every year since Dday, the anniversary just brings up memories of how the vows were broken, how she very likely was intimate with him days around our anniversary for at least 1 year if not more

This sounds like you don’t fully know all that transpired. Is that something you’ve chosen, or is she not being fully forthcoming? Complete disclosure is a pillar of R, so no intimacy (by way of shared secret intimate details) can remain btw her & AP.

ABSOLUTELY! I still won’t "celebrate" our anniversary. It just doesn’t mean the same thing as it used to, and I’m not sure it ever will. He broke our wedding vows, so I take that as breaking our marriage. While I’m still married, I’m not married in the same way. Assuming I continue to stay married, not sure yet. The other trigger for me is DD, coming up in a few days. Hate it. As are other gift-giving holidays. Holidays suck for me now. Wish they would all go away!

You’re not alone, while I don’t have great advice, I can only offer, do what makes sense and feels right to you. Don’t force a fake celebration. I have also requested no gift giving for any holidays (Christmas, V-Day, Mothers Day). As for our anniversary, I don’t want to do anything, if it happens to be a non-work day where we can go somewhere, paddleboarding or hiking (something we do often anyway) I’m okay with it, but it’s not going to be a "celebration" per say. IMO, you get to call the shots on this one.

Best of luck!

The anniversary does tend to be a difficult time for me. Dday 1 was only a few days after our anniversary, and I had a feeling that something was off when we spent the day together. Even before Dday, anniversaries had an association for me with hurtful behavior from him.

Now, I don't want to make a big deal of the day. It really doesn't mean what it used to mean. No one in our lives knows about his cheating, so I do have to deal with well wishes and compliments on what a great marriage people think we have. We don't do big celebrations. I don't want him doing his gushing posts on social media. I have no desire to do a big party for our upcoming milestone anniversary. I'm still figuring out what, if anything, the day even signifies anymore.

However, even though I don't want a big deal made, I don't mind an outing with a meal out. The day might have sucky associations for me, but I will never turn down the opportunity to avoid cooking and kitchen clean-up. I just treat it like a regular random date day/night.

My wife’s LTA went from EA to PA about two weeks after our anniversary. Four plus years later AP dumped her, then tried to restart it all two years later around the same exact time of year. My wife told him no for the very first time on his attempt to restart.

Anyway, I get it. Our anniversary month is also her b-day month. It’s a fairly tough reminder, even as healed as we are now.

The first anniversary or two after dday were uphill and we kept it very low key.

My take today is, I’ve always held up my end of the deal, and I always operated with the best info I had at the time.

So, now we do celebrate what we have overcome.

We celebrate the work we’ve done to stay together.

We don’t pretend the A didn’t happen, we just know most couples don’t make it this far after one partner hurts the other.

Now the anniversary is a reminder of the good AND bad times, with a focus on how much better we are now at the whole relationship thing.

I know exactly how you feel. In September of 2023 I came home and found this huge happy 20th anniversary display on our front lawn. I called my wife who was still at work and I said this is impressive or something to that effect

April 4th 2024, just months later, I find out that she is sexting with a coworker. When I confronted her and asked how long has it been going on she said I don't know I don't remember so I had to push and push and she said sometime back in the winter. So she started talking to him right after our 20th anniversary :/

When our 21st was coming around I told her I have no desire to celebrate an anniversary. She did not like that answer and we discussed it with our MC and the MC said how much of your relationship do you want to let the affair taint

To be honest it did make me stop and think. I know we did something but honestly right now I can't remember what it was

My advice is that if you do not want to celebrate it then don't. Faking happiness just for the sake of the other just isn't worth it in my opinion

Sunday, January 22, 2023 my wife confessed to some intrusive sexual thoughts about another man. I wasn’t overly concerned as I figured most everyone fantasizes from time to time. After a couple days of questioning from me & trickle truth from her I finally arrived at the traumatic conclusion that she was in a deep EA with the man (healthcare provider that I had warned her had feelings for her prior to Dday). We went on a getaway trip for our 30th anniversary in August of the same year, & I was beginning to feel a little hopeful in R as we enjoyed some good moments together, but every time we kissed, cuddled or were intimate it turns out she was still thinking about him (at least she was being honest finally). This "affair fog" would continue into 2024…

Even though my wife is ashamed and remorseful, I cannot bring myself to celebrate our wedding anniversary any longer… it is simply too triggering & painful to remember how she broke her vows pursuing after AP’s attention & affection. I sometimes feel guilty about not celebrating the wonderful marriage we HAD for 29 years, but then I remember that it was her selfish choices that blew all that up…

Dday-1 was a day after our 19th anniversary. On our 10th he was knee deep in an EA and started fucking AP1 5 days later. And on the very same day 9 years later, he fucked her for the last time (yes, 5 days after Dday1, she came to his office in a very short dress and tried to convince him to continue the affair and the idiot took the chance).

So no, I do not celebrate our anniversary. The day means nothing to me. The days around it are actually very difficult for me still, 4 years after dday. We are doing pretty OK for the level of trauma he caused me, but I don't think that will ever completely go away and I don't think I will ever really want to celebrate. He still does, so he organizes something every year, but I don't view it as a celebration, no gifts, no happy anniversary from my side. I go along with it, trying to have as much fun as possible. I use it as an attempt to distract me from the mind movies and rumination. We went to a spa resort this year and it was OK, a nice weekend away. But nothing more .

[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 1:30 PM, Tuesday, August 5th]

Weirdly I was OK with celebrating our 37th anniversary just days after a horrific discovery of a interactive video with a Facebook "friend" aka scammer who tried to sextort him. BUT 2 months later when I found out about the 25 yr history of hidden porn abuse I absolutely shredded the picture of us from our mantelpiece of our vows renewal along with the printed vows from 2017 as well as my sexy lingerie from then and threw it in his face. The breaking of the renewal vows hit me harder as I thought he knew the pain he had caused, turns out he didn't really.

If healing continues to go well we will renew our vows on our 40th anniversary of the day we met. Not our wedding anniversary and not the vow renewal date then we will celebrate that day. So far its as good as can be expected, but I remain optimistic but cautious.