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Hi, sorry to ask this question, but I’m curious. I’m on that roller coaster of doing okay to not doing so well. We still have sex (I can’t call it make love yet!) a couple times a week no matter which part of my rollercoaster I am on. I was okay with this at the begining of the R, I think I was in "panic-reconciliation" mode. Then I just did it, as that is what married people do. Now, I’m back on my low roller coaster part and almost resent the sex, as I don’t feel I should be that intimate since my head is not in the game. I almost feel like it’s a tool or something but I think it is his way of showing me he loves me, finds me attractive and is working to save our marriage.

Sometimes I wish I would have held off longer, instead of feelin panicked. Do understand he does not force or pressure me AT ALL to have sex. But it is starting to lose its luster for me. Granted I’m 53!

So, I guess my question is, do you have sex while trying to R? Anyone feeling the way I do?

Thanks and sorry for the personal question!

I was hit by the HB bug early on. As that waned, I still engaged in sex and made sure it was gOOd for me [if you catch my drift].

The fact that I silently wept alone later in the night was my own type of other release.

To date, sometimes I'm feeling it more than others. I still make sure it gOOd for me.

To sum up crudely - I f*ck thOse triggers right Out of my head.

BUT - you have to do what is best for you.

We definitely had our HB time frame, and it was really more about making sure we were even compatible. For us, there was already a lot of distance in our M since my wife kept the A secret for so long.

I think some of those HB or panic times were actually important to reconnect at some level.

I had several times when I needed space and had to have a few weeks off here and there from ANY kind of intimacy, even holding hands. I had to process some of that anger and sadness on my own.

At this point, I’m pretty darned close to six decades old and sex isn’t as big of a deal for either my wife or me, but pretty darned good when we take some time for each other. Being healed up helps a bunch.

Chaos: thank you for sharing! I hear you and appreciate your thoughts!

Oldwounds: Thanks for your thoughts, I am asking for space as well, just give me time to think, heal and figure out what I want/need. Sometimes I feel bad saying/asking for that, but then I remember, he is the one that has caused this, so F* off. Ha.

Thanks again for sharing a very personal subject!

Honestly, I told myself that he had become a stranger to me by having the A….and this stranger wanted me to feel good….and I was gonna get all the feeling good I could get, given the circumstances. When I told our MC about this in front of him, he was a little hurt that I thought of him as a stranger at that time.

It eventually waned a bit, but we definitely had the same result as Chaos and triggers. I’d get triggered and he knew that if we made love…it would bring me back to him.

Possum-

Last time I played the pick me dance and we had hysterical bonding when I just thought he was active on dating sites but with no evidence he messaged amyone- he swore he didn't. That stopped immediately When I found the 25+ hookup site profiles and explicit messages looking for sex which i dont he ever followed up on -(thanks Ashley Madison hackers for exposing his membership info and secret email address and that opened up the floodgates to finding so much). I don't even remember when sex resumed but Even though it was infrequent (once per week on Sunday mornings whichbi chalked up to him being tired and getting older) it was Always good - he was always conscientious. At some point it tapered off to me being rejected and periods of almost nothing specially during me being disabled. BUT after my surgery in January and the healing period and i was onviousl ok there was still zero sex until I finally said something. I think he didn't want to bother me, let me sleep, and also was feeling undesirable himself ( thank you porn addiction ).

Anyway - when we did have sex he was always at least somewhat loving but always conscientious and caring of me.

So as the latest iteration of betrayal unfolded we did go through tough conversations and lerned better communication (he learned he could actually.be vulnerable and I learned to listen more than talk as i teneded to cone to conclusions and not give hime space to think or respond) then we become more intimate without sex and it gradually led to sex. The more we talk and the more we communicate the better the sex has become. Like never ever before, not even when we wete young and first met. the sex is incredible because the intimacy is 10x.

2 things that have guided us: I ask explicitly for what i want and need and my needs are taken into consideration first- not just with sex butnwith all intimacy. If I need him to hold me or talk eith me he is there even if it in the middle of the night. Second, we have discussed that I sometimes get triggered during sex and he wants me to tell him and we are OK with stopping if necessary if it gets too much. At these times he is caring and loving and just holds me and we talk.

In all things he had told me he is guided by what I say and he has followed through on that.

The other thing is if we are too tired (we are older and super busy , plus haven't got much sleep since recent d day. ) we are honest with each other.

Yes he gets his needs met but if I ever got the feeling it was more about what he wanted rather than at least equal I would not be participating.

I told him I don't NEED him for sex (if you know what i mean) but want him for the intimacy.

If the intimacy wasnt there we would not be having sex.

[This message edited by lizziej at 6:54 PM, Tuesday, August 5th]