SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

Short story: Was with BP for around 18 months and started doubting relationship due to poor conflict resolution. Also started new job and finished exams which gave me a lack of purpose, this turned my attention to start a 2/3 week EA at my local gym as I rationalised that I was going to end my other relationship. Had a date with AP one week before ending with BP, then EA turned PA few days after ending with BP. I immediately felt guilt, regret, shame but spoke to a friend who told me it’s normal and to see how I feel following day. I didn’t see at the time but this was the beginning of the addictive cycle. Lived a double life for months where contact was on / off with both people as I was trying to make the ‘perfect’ decision to resolve the issue instead of just being transparent with both people, in hindsight this would have been much better.

Back with BP now as she has forgiven and says she doesn’t really think about it much unless I raise it. She says we were technically broken up for most of it so isn’t holding onto it.

For me, I am having suicidal thoughts every other day as I have fucked up my life irreparably. I had some mild childhood trauma where my dad had a sex change when I was 10 which clearly shaped a lot of my beliefs and fears regarding relationships and commitment. I’ve likely got a sex addiction for specific kinks which were also experienced during the affair. I’m finding it difficult to live with my bear reality as a cheater, I’ve lost my appetite and can’t sleep, had to go on sertraline to deal with fear of abandonment and change. I’ve got autism which exacerbates fear of loss, fear of change and obsessive rumination. My mind won’t let me move on until this problem and these emotions are ‘resolved’.

I crave routine, stability and security but have self sabotaged it at every opportunity in my life, likely linked to the trauma. I’ve lost ability to maintain my basic routines of bodybuilding which requires consistent appetite, sleep and recovery. I feel now as though I can’t be the father and partner I wanted to be, although BP believes I still can. Family and friends have been supportive but can only offer surface level advice such as new hobbies and keep busy etc. Also, everyone tells me to stop reading on the internet as those stories aren’t me so I can’t assume I’ll have the same end result.

I’m starting EMDR soon but don’t feel as though this will relieve me of my shame, guilt and anxiety as there is no way to change the fact that I cheated for months, even if not technically in a relationship. I feel like I’ll never be able to love and trust again, which is usually how the BP would feel!

Looking for realistic expectations of what the future could hold if I commit to doing the work and what that work should be centred on. BP is convinced that I would never have seen what true love is if I hadn’t gone through this and sees it as opportunity to be better, all I see is lost opportunity at the life I should have created for us.

WP (32)
BP (29)
AP (29)

Started July 24’, no contact (on 7th attempt) from March 25’.

Dday1: Feb 25’
Dday2: Mar 25’

[This message edited by NaiveWayward at 6:17 PM, Friday, August 8th]

Regret and mourned possibilities are a prison of mist. They should inform you but have no power to restrain you save that which you grant them, in your mind.

You have the ability to analyze, which means you have the ability to plan. When you can plan, you can act. You do not have to address the whole situation, in fact you can't - you have only the ability to change what is in arm's reach of you right now, and that power is total.

Suicide is *edit* shirking your responsibilities. Handling your responsibilities grants you ever- increasing stability, confidence, and power. If you focus only on obstacles, they will be the only thing you see.

Every problem can be broken down into small segments, each one nearly immediately handled. Celebrate each piece of gravel moved, and you can move a mountain - eventually.

If it's a big deal when you messed up, then it's a big deal when you get it right. Accept what you did - and that is accept, not approve - and you can build, one piece of gravel at a time.

Slowly. Pace yourself. Life is long, and you have the duty to yourself and others to build a life that is lovable.

[This message edited by Mindjob at 7:29 PM, Friday, August 8th]

Someone prescribed the med - call that someone and tell them you want to commit suicide, and/or call the national suicide hotline - 988.

I get that you feel awful about yourself. You can heal, though. You are a full-fledged member of the human race, and IMO, at a cosmic level, we are better off if you stick around. The suicide ideation is temporary.

You violated your principles. It's hard to accept that you did it. It's not a capital crime in most places. The best thing you can do is heal - learn from this, and live a good life.

You are valuable. Don't throw yourself away.

My wife kept her A secret for over a decade, because she didn’t want to face her darker side, her worst days, her worst choices.

I am grateful now she chose to tell me, and chose to heal with me.

Now, over nine years after her confession, our M, our lives are awesome.

Because she owned it all, because she went all in to be the best version of herself, those were keys to our turn around.

I got a bunch of useless bumper sticker stuff, but if you took a minute to write it all out here, that’s a good thing.

Life did not turn out anything like I thought or wanted, and yet, I am grateful I found a way through my pain. My wife is grateful she found a way to her best self too.

Ain’t none of us perfect yet, but that’s really part of the deal: Building back from our worst choices, worst days.

I didn’t do EMDR, but I have seen a number of people here say that it helped.

None of us are defined only by our worst or best days. At least I don’t think we should be.

I find existence is more about getting up and trying again and working at being better and doing better.

I may yet get this life thing down pat.