SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know I don’t need to tell anyone here that when a spouse’s infidelity comes to light, whether by disclosure or discovery, it is an earthquake to a betrayed person’s mental and physical wellbeing. Everything is shaken to the core. The marriage structure, once seen as built upon a solid, unadulterated foundation, now lay shattered on its fractured footing.

I don’t know about all betrayed spouses, but for me, not one corner of my life was left standing whole. The 10.0 tremor of D-day weakened and fractured everything I thought I knew and believed.

Each trickle truth, an after-shock creating new fissures. Each unwanted recall, a PTSD remembrance, intensified by my runaway imagination. Each anniversary of the marriage is accompanied with one divisive question, "Who really is this stranger I chose to wed?". Each anniversary of D-day an annual shattering of the already broken pieces.

There are endless aspects of infidelity that rupture a betrayed person’s understanding of the world he or she thought they lived in. However, there is one that I hadn’t considered until reading so many other, fellow betrayed spouses’ accounts. I’m beginning to wonder maybe it is not the individual, sordid details of the affair but the fragmentation of oneself due to the adultery that causes the deepest, widest rift to one’s reality and the hardest to repair in preparation for reconstruction.

I would agree. It makes you doubt a lot. I think for me, the biggest part is the part of me that thinks what if everything was a lie the entire time. It probably wasn’t , but it’s hard. It makes you start doubting your self worth and start peering into yourself with more attention than you would have in the past. Every little detail about your self.

Stuff your spouse, friends and strangers probably never looked at. But now you’re looking at it cause you doubt your worth. At least that’s how I’ve experienced it.

Vankrant1993,

But now you’re looking at it cause you doubt your worth.

You said in one line what it took me four paragraphs to explain. The doubt in oneself often is greater than the doubt a betrayed now has in their wayward partner. It is far too easy to absorb the blame.

I agree that self-doubt is probably a universal response, except for narcissists and the like.

A lot of good can come from that self-doubt, though. I realized on d-day that I was a top-notch H, especially for my W. During recovery, I got answers to questions I never really had answered before. What do I want? What do I like? What do I like to avoid? What do I want in my M that is measurable? How do I maximize joy in my life?

Those questions were empowering and freeing. The answers may not have maximized my joy, but I enjoy life a lot more than I ever did before. (Of course, retirement helps - but that also means getting older and less capable.)

As I approach my first dday anniversary, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come back already.

I’m sleeping over 7 hours a night. My health app says I have the biological age of a 28 year old man (chronologically I’m 52), and mentally I feel like I’m on the right track (moving slowly towards a divorce).

But the self doubt is still strong, and unlikely to improve much in the near future.

Who is this person I married? I thought I knew.

And who am I? I thought I knew that too. In fact, I was sure that the reason my wife would never cheat was because of who we both were. I was obviously wrong.

I now wonder if I will ever trust anyone the way I did my WW. It doesn’t feel like I will.

And I guess for me, that’s the fractured part. The person I thought I was, versus the person I think I am now. So much change, but also so much confusion, as it’s impossible to know what was real.

[This message edited by 4characters at 5:52 PM, Tuesday, October 7th]

Sisson

A lot of good can come from that self-doubt, though. I realized on d-day that I was a top-notch H, especially for my W. During recovery, I got answers to questions I never really had answered before. What do I want? What do I like? What do I like to avoid? What do I want in my M that is measurable? How do I maximize joy in my life?

Though not on D-day, I also concluded that "I was a top-notch H" just much later, much, much later. Honestly, I, for far too long, felt like I must have been a terrible husband. I was so terrible that I didn’t even know my wife was deeply unhappy. I still struggle with the idea that I was blinded by my happiness that I didn’t see she was in a different place.

It is refreshing to hear that you found some good from all of this. In one of my very 1st post I made a similar statement and got kind-of hammered for saying that I was a better man after finding my way through the affair. (A more empathetic man.) I was brand new here and a bit raw and low on confidence and stopped replying to my post for a bit. After a while I realized that I was not being attacked and that people here, whether I agreed with their suggestions or not, had my welfare at heart. And you guys having my back is far more important than if I agree or not.

Those questions were empowering and freeing. The answers may not have maximized my joy, but I enjoy life a lot more than I ever did before. (Of course, retirement helps - but that also means getting older and less capable.)

I’ve been retired for nearly a decade and would like to add getting older does make us less capable in some areas and I’d argue more capable in others. I can see that increased capability in what you write.

Asterisk

4characters,

And who am I? I thought I knew that too. In fact, I was sure that the reason my wife would never cheat was because of who we both were. I was obviously wrong.

I thought the same thing. I had no doubt that my wife and I would never find ourselves in this place. To be frank, my wayward wife has stated the same thing. She was stunned and humiliated that she suspended her personal moral beliefs. I (and she) "was obviously wrong".

I now wonder if I will ever trust anyone the way I did my WW. It doesn’t feel like I will.

My wife and I have been in a reconciliation state for over 32 years and I do trust her but not in the same way. I will never again discount my instincts giving blind deference to another human being. That doesn’t mean I won’t be willing to have my instincts challenged but I will rely of "facts" given not "trust me" given.

...it’s impossible to know what was real.

That line hits it on the head! I now live in a state where I am fully aware that there is no way I will ever truly know another’s heart, mind or beliefs. It is hard enough just keeping my self-understanding in a place of non-confusion.

Asterisk