SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I saw a post yesterday that brought up memories and I just wanted to share my experience.

My H’s A with a coworker was a little weird, it spanned over a 2.5 year period but active in short isolated periods. AP was the warehouse bike who would cycle around different men for attention but my H was her favourite, she was obsessed although he said she never came across as that, he thought she was someone just out for what she could get.
My H’s workplace is full of vulgar banter, it’s normal there and he thought he’d fit right in. AP would ask for lifts home and sometimes after a full shift of banter and stories of her sexual adventures she’d had with random men on a weekend one thing let to another and they’d end up kissing, a full apology would be issued by my H and she’d be avoided and ignored for months then she would eventually cycle back around and say ‘hi’ and Mr no balls couldn’t sit in the discomfort of ignoring so he’d say ‘hi’ back.
Rinse repeat.

Now…..when my H would pull away and say he couldn’t do that because he’s married blah blah blah, AP would agree and he’d say you won’t tell anyone, this is between us, please don’t tell anyone at work, this was a mistake etc, AP would agree with everything said and tell him don’t worry about it, forget about it, it’s no big deal - a mistake. H believed her!, I mean why would you not believe such vermin, of course someone who chases a married man is 100% trustworthy.

As far as my H was aware nobody at work knew, his secret was safe. What he didn’t know is that the whole 2.5 year period she was making TikTok videos about him, me and even one about our son.

Shortly after DD I obviously needed to find this person that my husband had confessed to having a weird on off kissing bullshit affair with 3 years prior and I found her TikTok, I actually contacted her through TikTok and found this archive of treasure from their encounters, some of these videos were 5 years old.

I made my H sit and watch every video, I asked him what he thought, he said there’s no mention of my name, he was in complete denial. I told him everyone at work knew exactly what had gone on back then because of her videos, the ones that say oh we kissed but he keeps saying we’re just friends and I love a married man and his wife must be blind and I’m old enough to have him or his son (she made that one 2 days after our sons 18th birthday, must have been stalking my facebook). My husband was adamant nobody knew until I pulled up the comments on the videos 😂 his face!, his colleagues had commented and put emojis on some of the videos, colleagues he’s known for over 20 years that he respected, I said can you imagine what they thought when they saw those videos of her mocking you, your wife and your child and you were sat having a coffee in the canteen with her?, I know what I’d think.
He feels angry with himself and humiliated because the reason he tried to keep her sweet was because she wouldn’t tell anyone, this in turn allowed him to fall to temptation again and he would then again be worried she’d tell his manager, colleagues or try and contact me.

Which brings me to my question, my H didn’t have contact with AP outside work hours, no socials etc but how could he have been so stupid that he never checked her social media over? It’s so stupid it’s almost laughable but at the same time shocking because I was unaware just how foolish my H could be. It’s almost as if when someone has an A all common sense and essential vitamins and minerals vacate the premises.

My H main focus after he messed up was to
1) make sure his wife never found out
2) make sure his boss never found out (keep his job)
3) make sure his reputation stayed in tact.

He left his job, ruined his reputation and broke his wife’s heart 🙄 seriously lacking nutrients, what a lesson.

What to say, is very stupid and the AP social media shameless behavior is speaking volumes about her level.

Low value woman who does want to present herself in that way and mock a family.
Your husband deserves it, you on the other end, not at all.

I have an engineering degree and a law degree.

Not quite sure what Tik Tok is and have no clue how to "use" it.

I can see my H missing something like that. He is very social media ignorant. He has had a Facebook account for over 14 years and still asks me how to use it. He got an IG account a few years ago. All he's managed to do is post stories. He doesn't know how to post anything on his feed. Neither of us has TikTok because of its connection to the Chinese government. My H is high ranking military and has warned us about how dangerous that app is.

My hubby really thought young women would be interested in a 60 or 70-year-old man for something other than money?

It never seemed to occur to him that the women on hookup sites were prostitutes.

He really thought that some young rando on Facebook wanted to see his penis because he was so desirable.

He was so idiotic that he thought giving her his personal phone number was a good idea, as she wanted to send him videos of herself naked. He was so blinded by who knows what that he thought it would be okay to show his face and his penis on video - and that if he could record, she was also recording and would sextort him.

I could go on and on about the stupid things he thought... And he's not a stupid man.

They don't think.... or their thinking gets warped. In my husband's case, he blames it on porn use....

My wife was very cognizant to delete her daily sexting with her married coworker just before leaving work in case I ever looked at her phone but she failed to realize her phone was synced to her tablet

After I became suspicious I checked our cell phone logs, found nothing, almost gave up but then I thought to check her tablet midday.

And that's when 27 years of relationship evaporated. That's when I discovered that iPhone to iPhone texting does not go through your cellular carrier, it goes through Apple servers somehow hence no cell phone logs.

Cheaters will get away with it for a while but eventually the truth is discovered

I think a lot of people think with their little heads. Especially if they're not really the calculating type. Sounds like the bicycle was available, she has a good line because she's done this so many times before, and he took it. Kind of like finding a wallet with a lot of money in it on the street (except it doesn't involve a spouse). Do you keep the money? some of it? do you keep the whole wallet? do you find the owner? We all know what to do but a surprising number of people will be at least tempted to take the money esp if it's a lot. How good we really are morally usually comes down to how much we can resist real temptations in real life. Not just theoretical things but an opportunity that actually comes up. Many of us will weaken at that point esp if we think no one's gonna find out! Your husband, like the rest of us, has to learn to live his morals. It's not easy sometimes. It does sound like he did something stupid rather than something malicious. It doesn't sound like he took the bicycle too far, and I'd forgive him this time with the warning - don't do this again, Buster!

I think it's actually better that he moved on from this job because it sounds like the atmosphere IS toxic and corrosive to morals and maybe in other ways. Not a healthy working environment - not only the bike, but the snickering co-workers. No one would tell him, hey don't bother with her, she's the original good time had by all. Those are not good buddies, or good people. He's better off out of there - he just needs to build up his "NO" now.

As for social media - you'd be surprised how many people have no clue, esp guys. I myself use very little social media as it's kind of a waste of time, except for a site like this where people actually help each other, but I don't want to give the world the latest report on my dull life or read theirs. So a lot of people just don't consider this at all. If they don't do it themselves, it's probably not a factor in how they think.

Another thing that occurs to me, Bruce123, another factor, is that in an environment like that, he might feel he would be looked down on as not masculine or kind of a p*ssy (excuse the term but I can't really think of something that catches the same meaning) and he has to be one of the "boys". I think it becomes not just a competitive thing but like something you have to do to be one of the boys - who's gonna pass up a freebie, right? There are places that have that kind of atmosphere, and I really do think it's good he's out of there because it can actually create a lot of pressure - and this can happen to women too - if you're in a place that say, drinks a lot, you may find yourself starting to drink. Some people can handle it a bit and for others, it can be that slippery slope. The right path may seem narrow and kind of blah at times, but it's safe and you can build on it....you can't build on a fault line.

Bondjanebond,

That’s exactly what the environment was, extremely toxic, he’s told me the things that are said there just casually thrown around and it’s just so low and dirty and nasty, zero class.

He said that the people that don’t participate in the group behaviour are looked down upon and bullied, he said he would watch the main 2 bullies socially outcast anyone who didn’t inflate their ego or behave the same way as them. My husband is a person that likes to be liked, he doesn’t enjoy any type of conflict at all and I don’t think anyone on this planet wants to be bullied, he said it was easier to fit in and people please than not to, so he did.

With AP, everyone had banter with her but she liked my H best, there was egging on and encouragement especially when she and another colleague were offering a threesome on a work weekend away trip. He will 100% have been seen as a P*ssy there, he was told to ‘get in there she’ll do anything for you, I bet you could get her to do anything you wanted’.

He said that the banter was that normal there he didn’t see it as wrong, even though he knew I wouldn’t like it one single bit but he saw it as survival. When she started pushing him for lifts home sometimes he’d say yes and sometimes no, most of the time nothing happened, sometimes there was banter and rarely it turned physical, but she tried, she tried her best. She asked him out for drinks all the time, asked him to attend her house parties, asked him inside for coffee almost every single time he dropped her off, asked for his phone number, asked him if he wanted oral, sex etc etc. he said when they’d kiss he said he’d panic and wanted to erase it and go back to the beginning, sort of delete it and reset it so she knew he wasn’t interested and would leave him alone.
He said that when she’d cycle back around and eventually start asking for lifts the red flags appeared and he felt fear, if he kept saying no she was snarky with him, he felt fear that if he refused she would tell everyone that they had kissed so he thought as long as he kept it under control she’d get the message and would eventually tire and move on to someone else 🙄 this is the shittiest plan I’ve ever heard of but I hate to say it, it’s so my H.
It worked until it didn’t, he said on particularly bad days with stress or even days where I’d had a go at him for something he said he was more susceptible, everything repeated until he just couldn’t lie to himself anymore.

He doesn’t work in that place anymore, he works for the same company but doing a completely different job role and he’s alone in his truck all day. AP and her fiancee work there too, they didn’t until AFTER DD, they both transferred to his dept, they are on a different shift pattern and they don’t see each other, very rarely see each other.

The 2 bullies in the warehouse, one got the sack in Aug last year and has since been diagnosed with cancer, the other did follow my H in to his job role but ended up having a nervous breakdown and he was placed back in the warehouse after sick leave due to safety reasons.

I don’t think he’ll do it again but who knows.