Healing is a long process chica.
Betrayal teaches your nervous system a deep attachment wound, I saw it summarized well in this:
I am not chosen. I am not enough. I am replaceable
When you love someone and they betray you, your attachment system gets destroyed.
You blame yourself, you take responsibility of the WS choices.
But it is not the truth.
They cheated due to their weakness, a character flaw.
It is not you. You did not have a choice. You were not the cause.
And the relational shock makes you carry the blame of the cheating.
Healing means getting over it, understanding that:
- It's not your fault.
- You are worthy
- You deserve to be loved and cared as you can do
This requires steps. First you must pass the shock, anger, grief.
You must grief the present, the past and the future, because those are all gone and questioned by the betrayal.
This requires detachement, emotional regulation, focusing on your emotions and feelings repair.
Therapy helps, sharing your emotions helps a lot.
Sadly it is not a quick process, betrayal is not heartbreak, is worse, it will rewrite your system entirely, your identity gets shattered, you lose trust and hope. You have to rebuild your identity entirely.
the first step is to forgive yourself. You did not cause it, no matter what issues were there.
You need to find love for yourself and accept those emotions. Is normal what you feel, and needs to be felt, not suppressed.
Then you can detach from your WS and see them for the flawed person capable to do the most horrible choices ever, and to hurt you carelessly.
When you regain your center you will be stronger. True healing (getting over the betrayal) is likely only possible if you abandon the betrayer.
But healing is possible in any scenario, even if you decide to allow them back and R (if they work to heal their flaws) with support and therapy you will be able to heal (in this case though, the relationship will never fully heal, betrayal happened it will always taint it even if you patch it up).
That is the last step though, YOU and only you are the important piece now.
Coping will be not enough because BS have a lot of dysfunctional coping. IC and counseling can help. Write and read here can help.
Start accepting the emotions of relational shock, and understand this is not on you, even if you are the one suffering the most.
Is really fresh, it may take years to fully heal, but you can speed it up a bit with the correct approach.
Detachment from the WS is key
