SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t know where to start.
I feel depleted.

I don’t know what shifted in me, but I feel distant 1million years, powerless, hopeless, unmotivated, deeply sad.

Even if by a miracle, tomorrow my H woke up all healed and forgiving, I think I’d still feel shattered because… there is nothing left to rebuild. And I would knew the healing is a rouse.

I had this picture in my head, that our relationship was in rubble but we could use that material to rebuild something new. But now I feel like the rubbles have been pulverised. So I am lost, the cord has been cute, all that remain is the pain and anger (my BS’)

Members of this community used different metaphors in the past to make me see how things are (e.g. the cake one).

But the above capture exactly why I feel how I feel.

Nearly 1 year has passed, and it’s just all worse. All worse. We had a peak in intimacy for some time, better communication, I learnt things, worked many things through. Bla, bla, bla.

But now, it’s just worse. Are we even still human beings? Or just the BS and the deeply flawed wayward.

Even work is going sh*t. I have been missing so many days and important stuff (because they were triggers for my BS, although I am in a different setting now, miles and miles away) that also that part of me doesn’t exist anymore (being excellent at my job). And I don’t care about work itself right now, I don’t care about my career, what hurts is that another part of me is becoming flawed.

Until a week ago, after bad days, getting closer with my BS made me feel always happy and hopeful for the future. Now it’s like a void and nobody has anything left to give. There is only pain all around.

I look at my BS and I feel so bad for what I did to him, but I also feel tired of being a punching bag and having almost every conversation turning into another argument exercise of how it’s all my fault, how shitty I am, how the original sin was also probably caused by me. (My BS is not abusive)

And I know it’s all true.

My therapist gave me some exercises for re-centring myself when I start spiralling like this.

Please note, I know I am not the victim. I know all of it. But I needed to let it out.

I am not putting a stop sign because there are some BS members that I respect and always have wise words.

But please, if you can, don’t call me out like "well, what did you expect?" Because I am already telling myself that after re-reading my words.

I'm newer here than you, so what insight can I share? Not much. But, I am sorry that you are hurting and glad you were able to express your feelings. I hope others here--wiser than me--will be able to put a more encouraging framing on your experience for you.

I do wonder if you might be at a point where a therapist might not be help enough for you? Your therapist can probably guide you more ably than me. It's not my intention to judge--but if you are not already under the care of a psychiatrist, this might be an important and helpful time to seek psychiatric care--because it sounds like the difficult experience that you are suffering at home seems to have spread to a different setting--your workplace. I am a physician, but not a neurologist or a psychiatrist, and so: not truly a medical expert on the point I am about to allege, but--without having seen formal studies proving what I am about to allege, I believe it is possible for brain chemistry to get out of whack, creating a very bleak perspective, and to need a prescription nudge back toward better order--but I also believe it is possible for a bleak environment to alter brain chemistry such that a prescription nudge back toward better order in brain chemistry is needed. Far be it from me to allege that your experience of the world as you see it right now isn't real--but even as I grant the reality of the bleak outlook you perceive, I suspect that (further?) medicinal help might give you the strength needed to focus and endure right now until things get better. And sometimes, patient endurance is exactly what's needed to effect a brighter horizon.

Take care. Heal swiftly. I will say a prayer for a better tomorrow for you. I wish I was wiser for you.

Sincerely,

Unconventional

[This message edited by Unconventional at 12:44 PM, Wednesday, October 7th]

It’s perfectly normal to have a pity party here and there. Just because we created a situation doesn’t mean we do not have a right to realize how much it all sucks.

Exhaustion is normal. Frustration is normal. Feeling down is normal.

There are a few things that I believe made a big difference and the number one is a gratitude practice. And I am perfectly aware of how hard it is to do when you feel like this. But if you consistently choose to do even a minor one- lost one to tree things each morning and really reflect in it, it changes the momentum of our brain to start looking for those things, and it also means as we come across those things we can connect more with our appreciation.

That seems like a silly thing to say or do when your life is in shambles, but studies show it can help begin rewiring your brain within 21 days.

The other thing that is important is to know is when we are very low like this, that can actually become a pivotal time in our journey. The pain of things staying the same is worse than making changes.

One of the things I can see here is that you are allowed to make boundaries around your career or well being. When we respect what we need something shifts and it shifts all around us. So I would spend some time deciding what it is you need to function better and hold those boundaries.

You can only don’t you can do for your husband- but if you aren’t tensinv to yourself in at least basic ways, there’s little chance the well can replenish where you have what is needed to give others. It seems counterintuitive but our relationship with ourselves changes our outside world. If we can begin to respect ourselves by holding space for ourselves, then we can elicit more respect from those around us.

What you are describing is extremely common a year out. Everyone is exhausted, finding good things to look forward to or stress relief is not selfish.

I also want to say if you are suffering from anxiety and depression, there’s little chance is nothing wrong with getting medical help with your body chemistry as you sort things out. I chose to try exercise and I walked or ran for at pear 20-30 minutes a day, and that helped me feel accomplishment as well as replenished endorphins.

Spend some time asking for the lessons. What is this meant to teach me? I don’t mean the situation as a whole, more like when you are sitting with your pain.

The goal is to become empathetic while being less codependent. Meaning, you learn to control your own weather and while you can feel empathy and sit with him in his pain, you have to still honor your separateness. His feelings can’t just automatically become your feelings.

All my suggestions probably sound exhausting as your strength right now is waning. But you have to use these various tools until you figure out how to manufacture that strength and resilience and ironically that’s when you will feel more solid and stable to him.

It’s okay to rest and try again tomorrow. This darkness will not last forever but you are going to need to take the necessary steps to put the chains on the tires so you can pull yourself out of the mud so to speak.

I remember the struggle and the bleakness you feel, and it’s unwieldy. But you have surviving all your worst days so far and you will Coke from this struggle a more improved version of yourself. The best thing you can do to impact your marriage is to improve your relationship with yourself, find your boundaries, and in doing that you will have more to offer to him and your relationship. I am sorry you are having a hard time.

Even if by a miracle, tomorrow my H woke up all healed and forgiving, I think I’d still feel shattered because… there is nothing left to rebuild. And I would knew the healing is a rouse.

I am having trouble understanding the part that I bolded. If YOU feel there is nothing left to rebuild...then R definitely won't work. BOTH parties have to be ALL IN for R to work. I was not ALL IN for about 3 years after Dday...but I still felt there was hope for something better to happen so I was willing to keep moving forward. Are you feeling like there is NO hope even if your H feels healed and is forgiving?

There could be something else which may explain why just a week ago you felt hope...but not now...PMS. I would cringe when people on here would write about it...and would get AGGRAVATED when my H would tell me that I was experiencing it!! After a while I could see that everyone on here was pretty much spot on...and my H was right...AGAIN !

PMS never gave me such LOW lows like I experienced after Dday. The GOOD thing about it though is that PMS will END...Thank You God ! Maybe you can start tracking times when you feel like you do now? Or maybe you might be able to look back and see patterns? It is nowhere near as bad as before...but those hormones can sure be a doozy at times!

Thank you all for stopping by. It really means a lot. Just letting those feelings out and reading your thoughtful responses, it made me calmer (I also practiced what my therapist told me).

Unconventional - I know you are "newer", but thank you for replying. All voices are welcome and I will keep a closer eye on my mental health.

Hikingout - I will never be able to fully express my gratitude for all your guidance. I will get back to your comment later on.

W2BHA -

I am having trouble understanding the part that I bolded. If YOU feel there is nothing left to rebuild...then R definitely won't work. BOTH parties have to be ALL IN for R to work. I was not ALL IN for about 3 years after Dday...but I still felt there was hope for something better to happen so I was willing to keep moving forward. Are you feeling like there is NO hope even if your H feels healed and is forgiving?

I have hope, I still believe in a happy future for us. I am not giving up. I just feel very at loss on how to reach that… I used the rubble metaphor because I felt like my H and I had so much to use for rebuilding. But for various reasons, now I feel the rubbles are gone, and I still want to rebuild but I have no clue with what (this is just a metaphor…)

Ha PMS… don’t I know about that. Thanks for flagging it though