SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BS here -

When I joined USN @ 17 (Vietnam war) - I was dripping wet behind the ears. A lot of good shipmates helped dry me out.
One thing that happened was my astounding observation of the shipmates (enlisted and officers) - when we hit a port the ones getting liberty - MOST would find a bar/club and a "women" (adds a bit of a twist to "serviceman" doesn't it?) I also noticed that many of them were regulars at sick bay.

I grew up with a family of kin without morals other than "I'm doing what I want for ME" I vowed before I got to 17 that I would not follow their example. I never had to take a spot in line at sick bay.

Ask yourself - why are you doing what you KNOW is going to trash your marriage? What is "driving" you to the activities?

Porn: As some have noted - those who help create porn are just not right. For the life of me, I have never heard anyone provide a rational reason to watch "porn." I remember the Original Playboy mag and Ogled the Centerfold - that is/was my extent of "porn" "use." Scary bit of knowledge (IT guy here) PORN Internet traffic is a MAJOR portion of total data streams! Firewall owners can subscribe to a service that updates all the crap(porn) site URLS so as to block such mess on company networks. One can also get such service for a home router/firewall.

My point? YOU CAN CHOOSE TO NOT get into the "porn" and any other activities that cause your spouse grief.

I would create two confessions. One as direct and detailed as you can remember of your transgressions/fetishes or whatever. The second, indirect wording regarding what you did. Offer them both as an offering on moving forward in fixing yourself and earning her respect for you as a decent moral man. Treat her nice but not "smothering" and plan for the path to a better relationship to be long and beset with setbacks as both of you adjust to the reality you have created. SHE has to figure out how to live with what you have done - so TOTAL honesty always. Be as direct as she wants. Risky? oh YEAH! - but best to get your cards out face up.
If you don't - you're dishonest and she will pick up (women are VERY GOOD at picking up non-verbal ques and inflections in speaking) so not being honest is a long term loser strategy for YOU.

Not having to walk the path of shame for cheating (of any kind) I cannot suggest reading material for you except that give a look herein for the "library"

You have to steel your resolve to do the necessary behavioral changes and never fall back. And the BIG downer? Long term she may still change her mind and decide to take a walk. Your gamble that you started with you behavior.

The point of my post - you have to FIX yourself and wifey has to see that happen. And hope home life improves so your kids experience the "Beaver" family growing up.

You have a tough path to follow - and you can do it. You just have to make up your mind to do so.

Hey Hippo16,

thanks for sharing your story and your perspective on the matter. I can honestly say experiences such as yours and the ones other memeber both from the WS and BS of the road have been really helpful and instrumental in providing a framework and perspective from which to see these issues.

If I am being honest about specifically my use of and relationship to pornography, I must say that mostly it was inertia. I got started really early with the use of it, and never stopped. It was a part of my life and it became deeply intertwined with my private (as in me alone) relationship with my sexuality and pleasure seeking.

It is quite silly how something so obvious and apparent can go so long unquestioned out of force of habit.

I never even questioned the "choice" aspect of it... I just DID IT. Some of my previous girlfriends had an issue with it, others not. My wife always said she was ok with it. But to be quite honest I never ever stopped to consider how porn could (and did) act as a place to retreat in moments of distance, and was preventing me to more actively search for closeness with the person I love.

I am not blaming everything I did on my use of porn. But I cannot deny it was part of the issue and at the root of my seek of immediacy in pleasure seeking.

Therapy, the corner I have painted myself into and my own personal desire to grow and become a better man (one deserving of the woman I call my wife when and if she decides to trust me again and choose me, once more, as a partner to continue with) have brought all these things into question.

As I said before, I have stopped using porn and an I presently the longest I have ever been since I started, back as a young kid.

I am growing, painfully so. I am fixing (or rather adressing the parts of me that need development and care) myself and I am commiting to it with all my resolve.

Surprisingly, the "leaving porn behind" part, at least so far, has proven to be quite simple.

Honesty is at the forefront of all I am doing. I am choosing truth in every small thing, no matter how insignificant. I am working on being as reliable and consistent as I can possibly be.

I was not "a man of my word" I failed people countless time, in small details, being late, failing to deliver on time on a project, being absent, not showing up... People brushed it up to it being a part of my personality. My endearing personality gave me a lot of leeway. And I leaned into this persona, the "head up in the clouds" kind of guy.

I cannot and more importantly I DON´T WANT TO be this person anymore.

And I have to say, speaking with purpose, meaning what I say and making my word my truth through my actions feels RIGHT.

I know I am walking a tight rope. I know there are no assurances that my wife may choose to continue choosing me as her partner. I know all this... Yet there is a deeper feeling that this is the RIGHT PATH to walk.

For my wife (who is a wonderful person, a beautiful, intelligent and rock solid woman and an amazing mother) for my daughters, to whom I wish to show what type of man they should look for if they ever choose to... and for me... because I owe it to myself to be the best version I can be.

I am going through one of the toughest moments of my life. I won't sugarcoat it. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, not enough, a total fuckup... but I get this glimpses of this person I am striving to become, and I cannot help but feel a bit inspired, just enough (sometimes a bit more) to continue pushing. One. day at a time, one small objective after the other.

Thnak you!!!