I’m am sorry for the pain and suffering you are facing right now.
I’m answer to your question, yes your cheating wife may be in love with the other man (OM) right now.
But remember affairs are built in fantasy. They are not real because cheaters are not dealing in the real world. The one filled with bills and illness and parents and kids and pets and grocery shopping etc.
In my opinion affairs are an escape. An escape from reality. The every day "boring" life and the person they married who is "terrible". They will use any means to justify an affair. Even blaming the betrayed spouse.
My H was kicking me to the curb during his midlife crisis affair. She was 20+ years younger and the complete opposite of what he would be interested in. She wasn’t pretty or in good shape or anything special. She was needy, clingy & a drama queen who liked to display her assets by wearing too small shirts so everything hung out.
On dday2 after months of false Reconciliation I was left w/ no choice but to D him. Suddenly the affair is over. He’s ended it. (Fortunately we have happily reconciled).
But very often the affair is just a game to cheaters. Once you "set your wife free" the OM may disappear. He’s in it for the drama and fun — he doesn’t want a real relationship. He doesn’t want all the responsibility of a relationship out in the open.
And then the cheating spouse comes crawling back b/c there is nowhere else to go.
Nothing in your marriage will change unless you change. I learned that the hard way. But I can tell you I went from being a doormat to a badass.
My H is now afraid I will D him. He knows I will no longer tolerate any lying, disrespect, betrayal, not sticking to your word etc.
You will survive this. We all do. Even if your marriage fails I believe you can still be happy — because you will choose to be happy.
What helped me most was professional counseling. Maybe you want to consider it.
