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I used to be into self-help för at least 15 years prior to DD. I read all the books on positive thinking, manifestation etc. The good, the bad and the ugly of them all. I am not into toxic positivity at all, but I did find that some positive thinking principles did in fact help me cope with life's ups and downs over the years. The death of a parent, losing ny job multiple times, sickness, conflicts etc etc. It's like I had a box of tools to use whenever life threw something at me. Until DD came. All I ever learned and knew about how to manage negative spiralling flew out the window. I just can not find the glimmer, the silver lining at all in this.

I remember reading (can't remember which of all the books now) a passage that stuck with me all these years. The jist of it is aproximately :

"Nothing is ever good or bad but thinking makes it so"

A really common one. In the book the case of a football match was used. The outcome was neither good, nor bad, it just was. But half the arena was crying, and half celebrating.

Now we all know there is nothing good ever, with murder, the death of a child etc etc. So this principle cannot really be used in all of life's circumstances obviously, it's a simplification. But if you were to try, would you be able to lift ANY positives that have come from infidelity or DD in your lives? (I'm hoping I get some answers other than 'I finally left' or 'divorce' ).
I'm asking because I've never struggled more with finding any positives in an event in my life than this, that includes death of a loved one. I was able to stay out of becoming bitter and broken even after that but not after DD, so as a thought experiment, I thought we might try to list things? And maybe push each other to find unlikely positives in this hell we share?

I'll try to go first even though I'm really, really struggling with this:

-I am in the best physical shape of my life. I have always worked out in one form or another, but the trauma after DD pushed me to start going to the gym and working out harder than ever just to get through the day. These days I don't do it to sooth anxiety or survive anymore, I do it because I absolutely love it. I'm stronger than ever and pain free after years of struggling with pain.

-I believe I have started standing up for myself more. In my M but also in general. I know my worth.

-HB. That was fun . That's all I'll say about it but yeah, HB after 20 years of marriage was a big positive and for me personally, it was liberating and the effects of that I believe will be long lasting. It was a positive for us as a couple, but above all, for me personally. It pushed me out of my comfort zone in a good way.

-WH and I have never spent more time together than since DD. Not because of some type of controlling behaviour, but because prior, we always had our own hobbies separately, we worked out, but never together etc. Never prioritised the togetherness of it. DD pushed us to start doing things together and now it's our new normal. We now share hobbies we both love equally.

-We talk about our relationship on a deeper level I think than before because we were forced to do it.

That's about all I can muster up. Hoping someone else can pull some more out of their sleeves.

Many years ago, one of the threads that stayed on the first page of JFO was titled something like, 'It wasn't the Affair. It was the work you did after the A that made the difference.'

A number of medicos - Lister & Semmelweis are the only ones I remember - were horrifies by deaths after birth and after surgeries. That lead to experiments with antiseptic medicine. The deaths of many led to saving even more.

As with you, a couple of job losses really helped my career (recessions used to come much more frequently than they do now).

That "Nothing is ever good or bad but thinking makes it so" helps me understand the basis of my thinking on infidelity. I simply can't see my W's A as being about me. Resentments played a part in my W's choices, but her resentments were based on assumptions W made about me that were simply invalid. If she had seen me as I really was, she wouldn't have built up those resentments. They were about her, not me.

I can name improvements in my life that came after my W's A. That doesn't mean they came because of her A, though. They came because I just refused to let her dysfunction ruin my life. (I have enough trouble with my own dysfunction. )

I think everyone can probably say that any good that came out of any roadblock, trauma, defeats they experienced came because they just didn't let the obstacle ruin their lives.

It's not the A or any other nasty thing that happens - it's the work one does after betrayal that makes the difference.

I have been thinking a lot about this lately as well, about 6 1/2 months from DDay here. I am working on focusing on the positives as I slowly heal from that giant negative that knocked me off my feet when he poured out everything to me about his 2 year EA into PA due to her husband finding out and threatening to tell me. Here are my positives:

-our marriage is better and stronger and certainly more honest now than it has been in a long time. We communicate about everything on a much deeper level and are attuned to each other’s moods and feelings. He helps me through all the triggers and deals with my emotional crashes with the support I need.

-our intimacy is off the charts better, with an intensity and enjoyment level most people who are married 33 years probably don’t have.

-we have so much appreciation for what we have and what we almost lost. He has not asked and does not feel he deserves my forgiveness but I am working toward getting there, for my own sake if nothing else.

-he shows me daily how remorseful he is and how much he truly does love me. The pain of what he has done weighs on him and he is doing everything to show me he chooses this life with me, every day.

-I have grown as a person with self-discovery (as he has as well) and am continuing IC to help my healing journey. I have prioritized self-care and am learning so much about being mindful in daily life which will benefit me for whatever comes in the future.

-we are doing more things together, having new experiences, prioritizing our marriage and enjoying time together.

-I have forged stronger relationships with the few people I have told, who have been so supportive of me and my journey. And I even made a new friend who is going through a similar situation so we can support each other with daily check-ins.

I wish we had gotten here any way but this, but that was completely out of my control so I am working on accepting that and looking forward to whatever comes next. The whole process is exhausting, and I still have really bad days where it is hard to keep the positives in the forefront of my mind, but it is getting easier with time and I can always talk about it when that happens. Hope this helps you—I completely understand how you’re feeling and it helps to list out the positive outcomes to help pull ourselves out of that "pit of despair" (Princess Bride references are always appropriate 😊).

If my ex hadn’t cheated, I probably would’ve spent the rest of my life (or at least several decades) putting up with his blatant disrespect, selfish behavior, emotional abuse, and being mistreated by his miserable, despicable family. I probably wouldn’t have kids, either, because he kept putting it off (probably because he wanted to be the only baby in the house).

My ex’s cheating— and my unwillingness to tolerate it, at least after Dday 2– is what made it possible for me to break free and have the healthy, loving relationship and beautiful children that would’ve never been possible if I consigned myself to misery with my ex.

Edit:add; I know this was an answer that you specifically didn’t want, and I almost didn’t respond because of that, but I think there are plenty of people posting right now that need to hear this.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:52 PM, Monday, May 5th]

I finally understand why God said to not love your father, mother, brother, sister or spouse more than Him.

I think it took a much longer time to feel positives from the situation. If your join date is close to your dday, I don’t think that’s long enough to have the changes that will be positive to occur, much less recognize them.

Healing from such a big trauma is at least a year of grief, followed by a transitional year that I think of as "now what" and year three is where the now what starts to fill in. I feel like we tend to see the positives when we have reached more of the resolutions to the situations and can see the strength, resilience, has brought us to a place where more emotions start coming back such as joy. I feel that any thing that impacts us greatly takes a lot of time to settle and the growth we have done to be evident.

My personal silver lining- I will protect my peace. I will protect my happiness. This means I have boundaries, I feel worthy in ways I didn’t before, and I have truly learned all the stuff I used to get hung up on to let it go. I will always hate the affair but it was an event that did catapult me as a person to mature emotionally and spiritually. My capacity for compassion, handling tough situations and endurance of the human experience is a complete 180 what it once was. All my relationships improved s a result. I learned I am mine, and I can depend on me.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:54 PM, Monday, May 5th]

The only positive for me was it forced me into IC where I learned to love myself, to realize my worth and to stand up for my beliefs. This had the added benefit of carrying over into my work environment where I’m no longer a pushover. I don’t bend or cave to other people’s wills anymore. I am my own person and by god, all WILL respect who I am. Sadly, my WW has not joined the learning/self reflection train and I feel that my train will in the not too distant future leave the station with her behind. And I’m ok with that.

I can't say that there is a direct silver lining from WS's affairs or (unrelated) from the chronic illness+disability I developed a few years ago. Both have been deeply traumatic events and were major losses that I've had to come to terms with.

That said, I think I can safely say I've learned some very important lessons from these experiences: I've learned how strong I can be in the face of terrible emotions. I've also learned that I can self-harm if I'm upset enough (never happened before dday), and that sometimes I need professional help. I have a support network now that I didn't before. I've reconnected strongly with some friends who live far away. I've learned that it's not to good to let myself get too dependent on any one person. And I'm much better about letting go of the future and trying to control outcomes.

Of these, the one that I might label as truly positive is the intentional cultivation of friendship, which had fallen by the wayside due to the busyness of a career, parenthood, etc. For this, I can thank WS because he really pushed me away during his affair. I had to meet my emotional needs elsewhere, and I eventually figured out how to do that. These kinds of connections are so much harder in midlife, but I figured out a way to do it.