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My husband (BS) and I are still really early in our healing process after my affair (8 months since Dday). While things between us have actually been going really well lately, he’s been struggling with constant, intrusive thoughts about what happened. He says the affair is always on his mind and that he doesn’t think he’ll ever fully believe that he knows everything. I've done all the things every WS should be doing (you can see my previous posts for context and understanding) but that's still not enough to get him "unstuck" in this place of constant wondering.

It’s just heartbreaking to see him feel stuck in that mental space, especially when we’ve been making so much progress. I’ve offered to go over my timeline with him again today, answer any questions he has (even in different ways than I may have before), and simply be present with him when he gets in this mindset. But today he told me he doesn’t think there’s anything I can say or do that will make him believe there’s not more I’m hiding, that he just has to live with that uncertainty. He did tell me he spoke with his IC about this and their advice was that it just takes time. I just wish time moved faster during seasons of sadness.

I’m struggling with the helplessness that comes from knowing I caused this pain and not being able to fix it, no matter how hard I am trying now.

For BS—what helps you when those thoughts become overwhelming?
And for WS—how do you support your partner when it feels like nothing you do can ease their doubt?

As always any advice or perspective would be really appreciated!

There are these funny places you will find yourself in like this one, where he will need more time. It’s normal. What he is saying is what a lot of bs here say, mine did too. It’s at a point where feel like if you are doing everything you possibly can and they still feel this way so it might not ever go away.

You are doing what you need to do, you are addressing it, and offering help. After that all you can do is say "I will continue to show you consistency, I will keep trying to build trust. I am so sorry I have put you in this position."

Some things the bs has to do and decide for themselves. It is helpless feeling. It’s also scary because it reminds you of how close you are to losing them. At some point, I had ultimately decided that if what it takes for him to get out of pain is get away from me then I will accept it. I NEVER said it to him, I think that being their rock and not adding to their uncertainly with a statement like that can be detrimental. But having that attitude helps with the anxiety and patience needed.

I have read enough from you that I feel fairly certain you are doing the needed work, and keeping feelers out like this shows me that you are willing to keep trying anything if it will help. So I think your spirit is in the right place. The fact he is putting new pressure on himself is also proof he sees your effort as well. It simply isn’t that simple to heal trauma and he needs to continue to feel his feelings and being able to express them to you. Seeing you being unflappable to that is actually just a normal part of the process.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:03 PM, Monday, June 9th]

Thank you Hikingout for your support and for always responding to my posts, your input is always very helpful!

My exact respond to him via text today was:

"There is nothing new I’m hiding from you, but if you ever need me to walk through it again or answer a question in a different way, I will. I want you to feel safe, even if your mind’s racing. I also really think it’s the time of year getting to both of us, June-October is going to be hard."

"I can’t force you to feel safe with me or want to talk to me about your feelings. And you’re right, no amount of proof will change the past & take away the damage I caused you. It’s about accepting that I hurt you & not letting the hurt control you anymore. All I can do is be consistent with positive behavior, keep showing up for you now, and being patient when we have tough times. "

So I’m really glad that my responses aligns with some of the things you mentioned. I know I can’t "fix" the damage just be an aid in his healing. I’m just frustrated with myself for being the reason we are in this situation to begin with and I don’t think that feeling will ever go away.

I will say, I no longer feel a sense of shame when these conversations come up, just sadness. In the early weeks of discovery I would respond to him being defensive or angry. Or I would do exactly what you mentioned- telling him he’d be better off alone and that I didn’t deserve the chance at reconciliation. Then I would feel bad about myself for days following the conversations. And the cycle would repeat.

I’m very proud of his progress and my own,which is why I’m so determined to do all I can/ learn all I can to ensure we don’t backtrack. I guess out of curiosity, how long did your spouse experience moments of racing thinking or intrusive thoughts? From what I’ve read for others around the 1.5 year- 3 year mark they have them but rarely and around years 4-6 they are almost non existent. I know everyone is different, but hearing others healing timelines gives me something to look forward to.

KarmaCat,
I wish I had more positive words to give you than my own situation, but I’m the BS and almost 4-1/2 years post DDay. I average 4-5 hours of sleep per night. Usually when I wake up around 2-3 am my mind goes right to my WW and my old friend, the deceit, how fake our life was at that time, etc. it no longer brings me to my knees like it used to thanks to therapy, but it does leave me feeling broken hearted. My situation, though, is different than yours. My wife has suffered some childhood trauma that impacts her ability to do self work. She’s had to fend for herself most of her young life and she struggles with facing difficult times. She hasn’t started self work, she almost never initiates talks about the affair or its affects, she has told me she can see times when I’m struggling but she just lets me have space, even though space isn’t what I need. I ca see the pain she’s in, and I try to help her with that, but having been through what she did to me makes it a challenge. I’ve heard many say, you can forgive, but you never have to forget. Well, I can almost say with certainty that I will most likely never forget this time in my life. I will learn to not let it control my life but it is a very, very difficult battle to take on. You were right about the 1-1/2 year timeframe of intensity for your husband memories. That’s about when the real initial shock wears off and reality sets in. All I can truly offer as advice is to apologize from the bottom of your heart and show him everything you are doing to be safe for him again. I know that’s what I desperately need from my wife. Good luck.

BS here. I felt much like your BS that I would never know everything and would lose sleep thinking about what I didn’t know. Did it start before he said, what about his travel years ago. . . What if there was others. . . What if I never know where ground zero is?

My UH was doing the work, being a safe partner, regular IC, but I still couldn’t find my feet. He offered a polygraph. At first I said no- then reconsidered. I was able to work with the examiner to formulate questions that were
Had there ever been anyone else - other infidelity?
Was he leaving out any details from his disclosure?
Had there been any contact since DDay? Which was about 18 months prior.
He passed easily and completely. I cannot tell you what that did for me. It did not take hurt away and magically fix anything, but what it did was I was able to believe I was standing on ground zero. It gave me a sense that the floor wasn’t going to drop again.

I wish you both well in this healing journey.

For BS—what helps you when those thoughts become overwhelming?

I'm years out from DDay1 in 2017, DDays 2/3 in 2018 and having to send a Cease & Desist in 2021.

Oversimplified - his proven behavior over time.

You are so early on.

But in the first few years after DDays I was a wreck. Sure, I held it together during time of work and when I was with then teen child at home. But in private I was a mess. I sobbed all the time. I hated everything. The feeling of being lesser than was all consuming and overwhelming. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. Panic became my new way of life. I trusted nothing and no one (I still don't really) Because the reality was the only thing that could help was him not to have cheated in the first place. It took a long time and a mega shit ton of IC to get beyond that. Once I did get beyond that [begrudgingly of course] I started putting my time/effort/energy into ME. Taking care of ME. Doing things for ME. Finding hobbies for ME. Healing ME.

His LTA wasn't my fault. But it was my responsibility to heal myself. I resented that. I still do on some level. BUT I had two choices - do it or don't. I chose to do it. I am healed but there are scars.

In my case, our marriage healed as well, but there are scars.

I don't know how your story will end. Nor what twists and turns are coming your way. I will say that if you put the work into healing YOU and your BS puts the work into healing himself (understand he will resent having to do so) that's the start of it. I can tell you - it will be worth it.

my husband went into our reconciliation/recovery as a wonderful, faithful, but quite imperfect man and coping with the affair and aftermath revealed many of his own maladpative coping techniques and communication deficits. He decided to work on himself and is much better now, though both of us are still finding many things to work on regularly. It took him some time swimming in unhappiness caused by not only the affair but also his maladaptive coping mechanisms to decide to choose to change, and then it took time to change. Maybe that's what is going on for you and your husband. You can't fix it for him but you can be patient, truthful, kind, and also point out to him (gently and with low-inference observations) when something isn't right. That last part felt really wrong to me for a while but it was absolutely necessary, and still is.

personal example - we are moving into a new home and I'm working with a designer I've know for decades. He's super gay of kind where his mannerisms, voice, way of walking, way of presenting himself, etc all point to gay. My husband and I went to his wedding to another man 10+ years ago. The other day my son got in a car accident (small one, but it was jarring). I immediately called my husband who was not available. The designer came over as scheduled 20 minutes later, for a planned meeting. I burst into tears, he gave me a hug, and I asked if I could reschedule because I wanted to be with my husband. By the time my husband called back, the tears had subsided. I told him all of this, he became very quiet, and asked if the designer was possibly bisexual and said it is inappropriate to hug another man's wife. I inferred that he was upset and we talked about it and it was fine. But the next day, he said something about "I told you how I felt" and I said, oh WAIT A SECOND. No, you did not. You did not say, "I feel hurt" or "I feel jealous" or "I feel scared." I said, you asked a point of fact, which is whether the designer is bisexual, and expressed an opinion about hugging. This was SUPER important because 1. he is working on expressing his feelings and 2. he believes that he has in the past expressed his feelings and I've shut him down. So it was extremely helpful to have an in the moment example of him believing he shared his feelings and then realizing that's not what happened. He took all of it in very calmly and it was a really productive event, but mostly because I responded to his emotions the first day and did an analysis the second day. Right now, all of this feels fine to me. But a few years ago, pointing out an area where he might need to grow, would have felt really wrong, especially if my attention was better spent on figuring out my own stuff.

Gently, what your H is experiencing is his problem to solve. The constant thinking about your A is normal, I think, but you can't do much of anything about his thoughts and feelings.

What is YOUR problem with your H's pain? How does it affect you? What do you want to do about your thoughts and feelings?

Is there some support you want to offer? Do you see something in him that makes you think about something specific you can do for him? If so ask him if he'd like what you want to offer.

Do you think he would benefit from a hug? Ask him if he wants a hug.

Do you just want to give support? Ask him if he wants it.

Post-infidelity anger, grief, fear, shame, etc. are inevitable for both partners, but you're the only one who can address yours, and he's the only one who can address his. You can provide emotional and even physical support to each other, but the recipient has to be willing to take it in.

I understand that your BS's pain is not something you want to keep being reminded of, but what do YOU feel when you see him in pain? Identifying and resolving those feelings is probably the best use of your energy.

Resolving your feelings can free up energy to help your H resolve his feelings.

Yeah ... recovery is hard work, all of which sucks. It pays off, though.