SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not sure I know what im doing?.

I understand that my H cheated on me, I don’t fully understand why but I’ve come to understand that it doesn’t matter, it’s happened and it’s not changing.

If I start ruminating which TBH is much less now I can control it, if I trigger it’s usually a word and I can control it but sometimes like this morning I went way back to the beginning and had to ask what did she mean to you?, what was she to you and what did you see her as?. I knew the answer and even though I knew he was going to say ‘nothing’ I still started the debate, after 10 mins I thought to myself what am I doing here and realised I’d spiralled. Why do I keep doing this?, I only know after the fact I can’t identify before to stop it.
I’m getting very frustrated with myself, I’m destroying myself mentally, it’s like I can’t control my own brain anymore.
I keep thinking that maybe there’s a reason I can’t let go of the grief, maybe there’s a reason I can’t accept so I’ll start digging and the same thing happens every single time, It’s decided that there’s nothing to do here apart from drown in pain. I feel ok for a few days then off we go again in to the searching for misery.

I’m constantly doubting myself questioning if I’m mentally able to do this, when I look at others on SI I don’t know how on earth you do it I really don’t, Ive not had a single day where my head hasn’t been spinning since DD I don’t know how much more of feeling and processing my feelings I can take.

My H has just been really good in all honesty, he talks he listens, he asks what I need, what I want, goes to therapy, we talk and talk, we spend time with each other we laugh, joke etc but when I’m left alone I start climbing the walls, my mind flies off instantly.

I triggered hard the other day while on a FaceTime call with him at work, OW’s fiancee went up to my H who was on a call to me in his Truck and started telling him he broke down earlier etc, my H saw my face and asked ‘what do you need me to do?’ I said I don’t want you to speak with him, she blocked me months ago as if I was the problem, but then they don’t want to respect my boundaries when I clearly told her that you were keeping yourself to yourself and I expect they do the same. H said no problem, then told him that he didn’t want to be rude but he was keeping himself to himself if that was ok. H never in a million years would have done this before and he did it with ease too, he couldn’t have cared less, I was amazed and it really made me feel like I was very important to him, safe, loved and his number 1 priority. I asked him if he felt uncomfortable and he said no, he really is working really hard, sometimes I must admit it feels almost as if I’m waiting for him to revert back to type. I feel that he’s putting a lot of work in and I just can’t seem to pull myself together.

I really want to start enjoying my life again but seem unable to I’m not sure what it is I’m struggling with? Obsession, grief, acceptance I just don’t know. Sometimes I have really good days, I’ll put my music on full and dance in the kitchen, I’ve bought myself lots of new shoes, lots, I’ll go out shopping or out for a drive but then a massive wave of ‘no you are not going to move on with your life’ hits and knocks me flat on my backside again.

what I’m trying to say is I feel like I’m drowning, I want OFF this rollercoaster, I’m exhausted I’m done, I’m destroying myself and my family, I’m not trying to rug sweep, i’m a SAHM, 6 months I’ve been consumed by my own mind at home I’ve had nothing but time to think. The one person that has the power to do this is me but I feel I don’t have the tools to do so which is crazy because I’m literally the strongest person I know.

Maybe someone can relate and give me some advice?

What you’re doing is recovering from an intense, emotional trauma.

As my IC reminded me at the time, infidelity is the emotional equivalent of being hit by a car and then taking months and years to recover.

I was the most mindful, logical, pragmatic human on the planet, until discovery day.

Brain patterns are seemingly fried as the fight of flight mode kicks in, and it takes a while.

As it was explained to me, your brain is trying to find a way to do the impossible and find something in the endless loop of thoughts, to fix it all or find an instant path out of pain that doesn’t exist.

The path does exist, but at our own, unfortunately slower pace.

We can’t reason with a scrambled subconscious brain. At least I couldn’t.

My only advice at this early stage, is to be kind to yourself.

Music helped me too. You take the good moments you have, and build on those. When you trigger, chase that trigger down. Ask yourself, why this trigger? And then process the pain, or answer the endless questions, or process the sadness or whatever the moment brings.

Talk about it when you feel like talking about it, write things out (it really helped me to vent on SI) when you can, and distract yourself best you can during the tougher days. I found comedy on YouTube or a funny film, something to make me at least smile was something I did a lot in the early days.

Six months in, I barely had my feet back on the ground, so I understand where you are at, and again, very, very normal!

I also felt like I was drowning, that’s a very good description of it all.

Grab some air on the good moments.

That Churchill quote was something I leaned on quite a bit, "If you’re going through Hell, keep going."

Simple and yet very true.

You will get to the other side. Not soon enough, but you will get there!

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 10:13 PM, Saturday, June 21st]

Piggy back on oldwounds. I use the analogy of being shot by your husband because what he did was a deliberate act. He wounded you. If you were shot in the stomach, or legs, or shoulder you would take months to recover and there would always be residual pain. You brain is made up of so many different type cells that when it is healthy it works like a Swiss watch. Your brain took a hit and it continues to misfire because IT is wounded.
You will never forget he cheated but if, and only if, he is genuine in his actions to protect your emotions your outrage should lessen. If not you probably need help from a therapist who works with bs.
Always look at actions long term. Just like it will take you some time to recover he needs to use time to truly understand the excruciating pain a bs feels. He has to GET it and continue to be a loving spouse for you to move on.

Dear Bruce123....please allow yourself time. It REALLY is ok and normal that you are obsessing about it. Please know your brain is trying to reprogram this into your life....and it truly is traumatic. But you CAN heal ...I know this to be true.

What really helped me ...was to to talk to my wife when I was hurting ...and yes ...it was an everyday thing. But thankfully, she understood it was normal and part of healing. She was thankfully very remorseful and empathetic.

Also ..are you getting any professional therapy from a Betrayal Trauma specialist? Please do of you are not ...it helps too.

Tell your husband these thoughts and WHY it is hurting....get to the root hurts and let him help you....he needs to make amends.

You can do this.🙏

Bruce123,

Am i gathering things correctly that the OW and her periphery are still in your husband's (and hence your) life?

If so i am fairly certain that would be a huge struggle for most of us.

Like each of the others have said better than i could -- 6 months is still very early.

That is your brain on TRAUMA. Six months is still really early. I was a mess for about a year. Total strangers would ask me if I was ok (grocery store and restaurant). Triggers can happen at any time.

During my healing journey I found out that our brains can't distinguish between types of danger. Danger is danger. Your brain can't differentiate between your WH cheating on you and a cheatah chasing you down to eat you. Your brain is still trying to figure out if you are safe or if a cheatah is hanging around and ready for dinner.

Healing takes 2-5 years minimum and can take longer if you stay with your WS. I didn't stay with my XWH and it took me 3 years before I felt content with where I was at. If the OW and her SO are in contact with your WH, that isn't a safe space and the A could be on-going.

You probably won't ever understand his why because you're applying logic to an illogical situation. There's never an excuse to cheat.