SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Reconciliation possible?
Wanting others perspective and experiences.
My partner had an affair with a work colleague I think around 6 months before I found out. Long story short they got caught at work but not any evidence to prove anything going on so both kept their jobs. He does have a very good job with lots of opportunities to progress but is it possible for us to reconcile if he stays there?
I’ve asked him to change jobs he’s been offered 2 but still reluctant to change because he loves the job and the future to progress.
If you were in this position what would you do? Or if you’ve been in it then what did you do?

I am a newbie and only 6 months from DDay but for me it would be so difficult. I believe every person has a different journey and what is possible for one person is impossible for another. My husband also had a work place affair, there was never anything outside of work so for me it would have been incredibly difficult to heal and recover while he was still there. My husband left his work and we were fortunate that he could take a 4 month work from home period that allowed us to just focus on us. My husband went into deep shame so I don't think he could have physically stayed in his work place, I think it would have delayed his recovery as well. Will he have contact with this other person, did others know about this affair?? Take strength from anything is possible if both people are willing to do the really hard work and have the tools in place and boundaries to protect your recovery as much as you can.

I’m pretty new to basically he told me Easter then back tracked it came out in may because he was unsure if he was going to lose his job
He’d basically been meeting her on lunch breaks after work and they had been having sex at one of the workplace buildings. Then he started going to her house after work or when he was on call out but they couldn’t prove anything only from the tracker on the works van. He had a warning about it at work and continued to lie and not tell me the full extent of what happened. It all came out mid June.
People at work are aware as it had to be investigated. The other woman told people in her department they were a couple. Someone sent a letter to me from his work with a photo of her telling me they were having an affair but by that time he had already confessed.
I’m not sure if the letter came from her though as he was telling her he was leaving me but wasn’t.
He does have to communicate with her occasionally mainly via phone and email.
He is saying he’s not going to give up his career if we aren’t going to make it work.

It's a tough one, I think in those early stages I would have wanted to hear that my husband was willing to give up everything including a career to make sure we recovered. But bills need to be paid, I would probably want to see effort and a desire from him to want a new job and be showing effort in looking for a new one to put that distance between them and the environment that started the affair.

He’s not going to give up his career if your marriage doesn’t work (post affair).

Hmmmmm…….does the word selfish come to mind?

My H had the same arrogance after affair #1. In his mind there was no affair because there was no sex. So when I told him I wasn’t happy he chose to remain friends w/ someone who was clearly interested in him (and pretending to be my friend), he chose his own selfish ego boost.

And with that mindset, he chose to cheat again. Typical midlife crisis affair.

So……I am suggesting that you are dealing with a situation where:

1. The cheater still is trying to control the situation

2. The cheater still is putting their needs first

3. The cheater appears to have very little remorse

I would not put all my eggs in this one basket right now and count on the marriage. If your needs don’t come first now, most likely they won’t come first in the future.

Can he change his behavior? Yes. Will he? Your guess is as good as anyone’s. But if I were a betting man and based in my experience, if he sees you as a doormat or pushover now, he will continue to have that view unless you change.

My turn around came when I learned on dday2 my H was still cheating. I immediately went to my plan B / exit strategy, told him I was Divorcing him and told him he had to leave.

That was the game changer. He’s no longer the cheating he was 12 years ago. And he’s completely remorseful and has done everything he can to make amends.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:39 PM, Saturday, August 9th]

My husband immediately offered to quit his job when I found out about his affair with a co-worker - but I didn't insist for many reasons.

I felt that insisting he quit was giving her too much power - it was admitting that she was so amazing there was no way he could resist her - I wanted him to prove just how little she really meant to him - he could work with her everyday and have no desire to continue the affair because I was the one he really wanted to be with.

I wasn't going to let the affair disrupt our lives anymore than it already had - there were very little job opportunities in his field and he would probably have to take a pay cut. I realize money isn't everything - but it does have to be taking into consideration.

I felt that even if he quit there was still no guarantee that the affair would end. He still knew where she lived, her phone number - if he wanted to continue the affair he could.

Bottom line - either he wanted the marriage or he wanted the affair - he knew he couldn't have both. Them continuing to work together was hard and I admit it probably made R more difficult - but in spite of that I saw how he put his heart and soul into our R.

In a way them continuing to work together also made me realize just how insignificant she really was. She was still there - still available - but it was me he was doing all the hard work for - he showed me everyday how much he wanted me and our marriage.

We each have our own requirements in R - making him quit his job just wasn't one of mine. Yes, R can still be achieved if they still work together - but only you know if it is something that you can live with.

Hard for you to find peace when they’re around each other all the time.

Thank you that’s a thought that hasn’t crossed my mind @ Nanatwo.
To be honest I don’t feel he’s been sincere with anything at the minute so that’s not helping
But it has given me another perspective

I think it’s not helped the amount of lies he has told me and how he made out it was just a kiss and a talk. But he’s trickled it out to a full blown affair where they met daily spoke constantly. And had made plans to leave me and the kids but was living a normal life with me! Apart from some random behaviours that I had put down to grief or midlife crisis. His brother did similar and we always talked about how bad it was and I would of never of put him to be that kind of person!

And had made plans to leave me and the kids but was living a normal life with me!

Same experience I had. Typical midlife crisis affair.

Fortunately at dday2 (because dday1 wasn’t bad enough ) I had a plan B / exit strategy in place. And I executed it.

By a miracle we managed to reconcile and we are happy. But had I not become a badass at dday2 and change to stop being a doormat, I often wonder what the outcome would have been.

My H saw a side of me I am certain he wished he never saw. Never knew existed.

And the fact that the OW thought she was going to step into the stepmom role was laughable.

And my H believed they were going up sail off into the sunset and everything would be just fine. No damage to kids. No big change. No upheaval.

Delusional is the word that comes to mind.

My husband also had an affair with a coworker. The day I found out, he offered to quit on the spot if it meant even a .0001% chance of a second chance with me.

I’m a SAHM and he has a great job with excellent pay, benefits, and career potential. If he had walked away immediately, we risked losing our vehicles, home, and lifestyle — as if my world wasn’t already shattered, I wasn’t ready to upend what little stability my kids and I still had.

We agreed he’d stay until after the new year to get his Christmas bonus, which we planned to use to pay off a vehicle and fund our Disneyland trip. We hoped maybe she’d quit first, but if not, he said he’d leave. During that time, — unbeknownst to him — she actually tried several times to get him fired. In January of 2024, he came clean to his boss and said it was her or him. Less than two months later, she was gone.

It was a relief when she was fired — not only did my husband cut her off without closure, but she got to feel just how disposable she really was. She knew he’d had a hand in it, and she sent him a nasty text after she was let go. They worked together for about four months after dday, but in the end, it felt like a small piece of justice for me.

That said, I think this is a deeply personal decision. Everyone has a different tolerance. I could only have handled them working together for so long. Rebuilding trust is hard enough without the AP still in the picture — the environment keeps the wound open. Career progression matters, but so does protecting the relationship. If someone is unwilling to make changes to remove the AP from their daily life, that’s a huge red flag for me.

No-contact is one of the biggest keys to reconciliation, and ongoing work contact with an AP can be a major roadblock to moving forward.

*I do think Nanatwo has definitely put a spin on it in a way I don’t think I’ve really thought about — I agree with the logical, but it still probably wouldn’t be something I would personally want to endure for too long.*