SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nine years ago today, I discovered my husband's long-term affair. I thought I was going to die. It was, without a doubt, the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I thought I'd never recover. But I did. I survived it, I healed, and I feel fine now. I like myself and I like my life. I'm grateful every day for the freedom and peace of mind that divorce has given me. I wouldn't say I'm grateful for the experience of being betrayed, but I did get something valuable from the experience: I learned compassion. I'm a kinder, gentler person post-betrayal, because I now understand that anyone I cross paths with could be going through some horror that I don't know about.

SI was my rock in the early days. I can't say enough good things about this site. So, in the spirit of giving back, I want to share a bit of insight, a few words of advice for the newly betrayed.

Herewith, Ashes of Kali's top 3 tactics for healing from betrayal:

1. Put divorce on the table as an option immediately. I don't mean you need to get divorced immediately. I mean you need to tell yourself and your cheater that it's an option. I didn't want to consider divorce because I was afraid of being alone. As soon as I found out about my xWH's affair, I told him I wanted us to try to work things out. That gave him the opportunity to get comfortable. He figured if I was desperate to stay married to him, he didn't need to change anything and he could just carry on as-is until I got over it. He was right about that – for a while, anyway.

2. Put a deadline on the reconciliation attempt. Really ask yourself: How long are you willing to endure this if nothing changes? Is it 3 months or 6 months or a year? You decide. I didn't put a deadline on it; I left it open-ended, and I really wish I hadn't done that. I stuck with it for 2 solid years, waiting for him to take responsibility, but he never did. He never even apologized in all that time. He just watched me suffer and told me to get over it. That's 2 years of my life that I spent enduring unnecessary suffering, when I could've been healing instead. Two years of my life I'll never get back.

3. Take time off work if you can. Early on, somebody suggested to me that I should take time off. I scoffed at the notion because I had some twisted need to prove how tough I am. Fuck being tough. When you've been hurt that bad, you need time to heal. I was so distracted by my pain that my work suffered immensely. It nearly ended my career. If I had taken a vacation or a leave of absence, I would've healed faster and I would be better off in my career than I am now.

That's all the advice I have for today. I might be back later with more to say, or I might not. For sure, the one thing I want to say to all betrayed folks is this: Love yourself. Be kind to yourself and know that you don't deserve this pain. You will survive it, you will heal. Hang in there. Don't ever give up. You're gonna make it.
With love,
Ashes

Ashes, thanks for your words of wisdom, and so glad you are loving life. Healing really happens!!

This is solid advice EVERY BS should follow. I see too many jump into R and it is something that should not be given so easily, quickly or with fear. Like you I ended up D'ing far too late. It is something I should have done very early on, I realize that in hindsight. I wasted too many years, put myself through too much at the cost of my mental health. My xWS like yours was not remorseful. I wanted R and gave it too easily and out of fear.

It's never too late to leave a M not worth saving, even if time is wasted, life on the other side is pretty great without a cheater who doesn't care, continues to betray or has no respect or remorse.

My decision to D was one of the best life changing moments of my life. I have peace of mind, have healed and found myself again. I will not tolerate any abuse or cheating going forward. I met a man who has given me belief in love and trust again. My kids have a healthy mom again who they see happy and living life to my fullest. Life is good and I'm glad you came back to pay forward and that life is good for you too.

Spot on advice, ashesofkali. I wish I'd received and been able to implement these pieces of wisdom in the early months.

It's good to know that you are thriving 9 years on. I'm just starting out on the divorce journey, and I too spent 2 years trying R and fighting limbo and POLF. I'm already doing much better, and I hope I can look back in a few years and say that I'm a better person for it in some way.

Thanks for the update. I'm glad you recovered so well. I think your recommended tactics are top notch.

I think your recommended tactics are top notch.

Agreed.

This is a wonderful post Ashesofkali, in its positivity and, I'm sure, hard earned, sage advice. We all, no matter the direction we choose, would be wise to give your thoughts full consideration. Even those of us who did find success in choosing to reconcile should give strong attention to your counsel: 1) divorce as an option 2) deadlines 3) Time off to heal. I wish I’d had been given this advice 32 years ago. Instead, the advice I received was both of us played a role in the reason for the infidelity. Never once was I advised that it had nothing to do with me. Too many years of self-blame and delaying of healthy reconciliation was a result.

Thank you and I’m pleased that you have found your true self.
Asterisk

My cheating H had D in the table immediately.

I was certain we could R.

Six months later I had D as the only option and he was suddenly begging to R. Dday2 was like the bucket of cold water needed.

Sometimes the cheater just does not get it until it’s almost too late. In our case it almost was.

Interesting how the cheater still thinks they can call the shots after Dday. When the betrayed refuses to engage in the drama or go along (meaning sweep it under the rug) there are only so many options.

And often the options are the hard 180 and D is in the table. Many cheaters don’t want a D they just want to cheat.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:23 PM, Tuesday, September 9th]

Your words are great advice.
Let me though offer one differing viewpoint. I am an ADHD Adult and can hyperfocusw and obsess. Work was mental health break. I shared with my direct bosses what the situation was and asked for their confidence and to allow me to have some grace for 3 months.
Work saved me. Work made my mind focus on other things and start to heal and realize that my Hs actions weren't the entire world.
It also allowed me to understand that of I needed to walk away I could and be financially solvent.

If I had taken leave I would not have had that and that sick pain in my belly and soul would have never stopped.

@tushnurse That's a totally logical response. Makes sense. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for the post

Many of us here wish we had the time back we spent herding mean nasty scratching biting cats, I mean trying to convince our wayward ex spouses to pick us. Sorry you went through this pain called infidelity. I wish you well in your new life which is hopefully filed with peace, love, and happiness!

Instead, the advice I received was both of us played a role in the reason for the infidelity. Never once

was I advised that it had nothing to do with me

Sadly many of us also experienced this nasty form of professional gaslighting. I was zero percent responsible for whatever was morally bankrupt about my exwh that he did what he did. And I am not the only person he has cheated on. Post when I kicked the marriage he broke beyond repair and was completely unrepentant about to the curb and divorced him, one of his now exes publicly called his cheating self out. WHAT A BIG SURPRISE!