I don’t know how this will be received, but I want to talk about it anyway.
When I was much younger (17-19 years old) I had a lot of relationships with older, married men. I didn’t feel bad about it at the time; I rationalized that it wasn’t me who was obligated to remain faithful to anyone else. I thought that if someone’s husband was looking outside, there were obviously problems inside the marriage, and they weren’t my problems. That if I didn’t have relations with them, surely someone else would, so why refrain?
It wasn’t until much later that I changed my mind about it during a debate on social media. Obviously it’s very wrong to be complicit in someone’s efforts to betray their spouse in such a horrific way, and that we owe it to fellow human beings to do our individual parts in preventing infidelity, through saying "no." Sure, unrealistic to expect every potential AP will also say "no," but to be the one who does enable the infidelity is a moral failing.
One of the men for whom I was the OW has been emailing me periodically for the last 10 years, which I found out when I recovered that old email address. I hadn’t responded to him, as I’m married now myself, but back in April I did respond with "It’s been 9 years," as in like… "Why are you still trying?" But he didn’t seem to take it like that, as yesterday he replied "It’s been 10 years actually! Life goes by so quickly… how are you doing?"
I considered not responding, but in light of my current situation with my own recent infidelity, I decided to anyway. I told him, "I am married with children now. Please stop contacting me.
What we did to your wife and child was not okay. It’s one of the most horrible things you could do to a person and I deeply regret being complicit in that." (And then I went and shared the interaction with BH for transparency purposes, of course.)
I don’t know whether he’s still married to his BW today, though it’s really hard to imagine her staying married to him after finding out he was having sex with a high schooler downstairs on the couch while she and their disabled child were asleep right above us, or that he’d given her a (thankfully curable) STD after we’d had a threesome with another young woman. I don’t think I care whether he is still married or not; if he’s still reaching out, it’s hard to imagine he has any remorse for what he’s done. I thought someone ought to tell him he should.
But at the same time that I feel so angry for that poor woman we hurt, my shame about my own character has compounded. I have barely been functional today for all the sadness and anxiety and disgust with myself that I’ve felt. My BH has been so wonderfully supportive (Thank you. I know you’re reading this), but it makes me feel worse at the same time because I know he is hurting, probably a lot worse than I am, and that I’m supposed to be the supportive one for him. It just feels like I can’t stop being selfish and making it about me, and I hate it so much. (I’m so sorry, my love)
I need to figure out how to get it together somehow. This can’t go on.
