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Apologies to the non-Tolkien fans, but one of the more profound aspects of Frodo in LOTR is that he is wounded in a way that persists long beyond the physical impact. He is physically wounded by a supernatural stab wound from the Witch King and also from Shelob's stinger and those are still felt years later; however, he has PTSD from his time carrying the one ring and the trauma eventually necessitates him having to leave his home to live in the middle-earth equivalent of heaven (Valinor) to feel any relief. Might be because I am in the middle of writing an emotional restitution letter in response to my wife's emotional impact letter, but wondering if the PTSD from infidelity is similar. I am encouraged by the stories of successful reconciliation, but certainly the memories and trauma are still present for the betrayed for the entire lives. Is the best case that the BS learns to live with the pain with the frequency and memory of it gradually fading with time? The knowledge that I caused a wound so deep that it will never fully heal makes me physically ill and weighs on me constantly right now.

I know not everyone is religious and I have issues with organized religion, but I do believe in Christ and have faith that everyone can be made whole in the afterlife due to His sacrifice. I often cling to that belief as it gives me hope that at least in the afterlife I can find relief from the pain and trauma my actions have caused me, but am realizing that it may take until the afterlife before my wife will ever fully heal from this wound. Wondering if this resonates with other WS and BS.

I recognized the reference from your thread title immediately. I've read LOTR at least a dozen times, along with the rest of his writings (and his son's).

Yes, PTSD is common enough for betrayed spouses. Therapy will help. Time and some work on healing are the best remedies.

I'm over 10 years out from d-day and I am as healed as I can possibly be. Memories fade. Although we divorced, for lots of other issues besides infidelity, we're still good friends and i still love her (not enough to want to live with her, but that's another story).

I don't think the average betrayed spouse endures anything even close to what Dear Mr. Frodo experienced.

Your wife will heal. There will come a time when she doesn't think about it, doesn't feel it, and a daily smile will return to her face and eyes.

For most betrayed spouses the affair was bad enough. It's all of the lying, blame-shifting, minimizing, gas-lighting, and the rest which often follows that does the greatest damage. With none of that happening in your situation you're way ahead of the curve.

One of my favorite poems is by a preacher named Max Ehrmann. "Desiderata" I read it several times a year. In fact, I think it's time I start another thread in the General forum (yes, I've done it before).

I think sometimes our shame makes this process more torturous.

I am not trying to minimize your wife’s pain, and I know that you have had some recently hard things that you all have been working on in therapy. And when that harder work is being done it’s definitely rough on both people.

However, the reason I started this post the way I did is because you need to be reminded you are seeing it all through a lens of shame and that can distort the situation even more. You are self flagellating at the same time so I am sure this feels excruciating.

I will just suggest you assess if you are going to need medication to be able to get through this leg of the journey. The hopelessness you express is normal, but it’s also a sign of depression.

I agree with unhinged, healing will happen and you are doing exactly what you can and should do. I am worried that your fragility in the situation is something you can rebound from without some help. Take good care of you too.

When the wound is treated right, it heals. Many here were betrayed and are now happily reconciled. It is entirely possible.

Remember that when you are in pain it is hard to remember times when you were happy, or to believe that you will ever be happy again. The hobbits made it back to the Shire.

As a betrayed spouse I’ll be honest. Similarly to a physical wound, the wound of betrayal will heal. BUT, it will leave an ugly scar with arthritis that aches every now and again.

I appreciate the responses and all of this is really fresh right now so I know it feels much heavier now than it will in the future. Ultimately I think I am grasping for a vision of what healing really looks like for the BS. I think we are doing as well as we could be at this stage, but very heart breaking when we are having a good day and in a moment I can sense a change, see sadness in my wife's eyes, and know I am the cause. She has always been such a happy person so seeing a shift is obvious. I always ask if she wants to talk about things and although those conversations can be emotional they seem to help both of us. I would much prefer she expresses her pain than not as I will typically envision much worse than we actually discuss.

I am going to get through the holidays and see how I / we are doing to determine next steps in therapy. We are going to be gone for most of January and half of February so we will have time away from our typical day-to-day and I think that will be a net positive. We have recently started hiking quite a bit, but it is now too cold to hike where we currently live so getting back to Southern California (where we moved from last year after 25 years) will allow us to get our 1-2 hours of walking / hiking again. Those seem to help on multiple levels.

For Tolkien fans, ironically one of Frodo's older wounds (the stab with the morgul blade by the Witch-King of Angmar) would flare up on the anniversary each year. Our therapist has said the first year will be hard, but getting past the anniversary will be a big milestone. Due to the nature of my disclosure (20 years after the fact, no other issues, no gaslighting during the affair, etc.) that we have a chance to be more "healed" by year two than the "typical" couple trying to reconcile. Although the scar will always be there and neither of us will ever forget this pain or not feel sadness when we think about the infidelity, I am latching on to the hope that this becomes much less frequent and a smaller part of our story. So grateful that my wife is willing to share that goal.

I am not a fan or student of LOTR so I’m not familiar with the analogy. But it DOES make sense in the abstract.

I have some commonalities with your situation although I am the BH. My wife had multiple affairs during the first 20 years of our marriage. I suspected in real-time and even caught her in an EA 2 years into our marriage. My D-Day was 3 1/2 years ago. I spent quite a while trying to discover the "real truth of my life". Laying over the timelines of what was going on in our lives during the affairs. All of this was a shock to me. How could she do that? How could I have been so blind? Was ANYTHING in our lives real?

I imagine your BW struggles with much of that. Holidays, Anniversaries, Birthdays all became sore spots for me. There was a time she was cheating during pretty much every one of those through our lives. What I had always considered my "favorite" Christmas is now forever tainted because she was in an active affair at the time. As I sit her typing this I am sitting at the island of our "dream home" that she was in an active affair while we were building it and moving in.

My wounds are both very old and very new. What was is tainted what is has been damaged and what will be is in jeopardy. As InkHulk says, how the wounds are treated and cared for is critical. Are you providing "world class" care every step of the way or is the betrayed basically stitching themselves back together alone and shivering in the dark? THAT will determine how well it heals and if it’s just a scar with some minor pain that pops up or a festering, pus-filled gaping hole that slowly oozes for the rest of your lives…..From what I have read, your BW seems to be getting the proper "care". But like cancer, the treatments are for years if not the rest of your life.

I would also say there is a scene in the movie "Excalibur" (1981 film about King Arthur). As Lancelot lies dying on the battlefield he tells Arthur "It is the old wound, my King. It has never healed". He is referring to his affair with Guinevere, his betrayal of Arthur and how it led to the collapse of the Round Table and Camelot. All this to say you have YOUR own wounds to care for as well. Never lose sight of that either.

I wondered the exact same thing at one point — but that was during the first two years of recovery.

And, I should add, I’m a huge Tolkien fan too, so I understand the reference.

I’m also a person of faith.

Closing in on ten years after, and I can safely say, the wounds were powerful, but not too deep.

I find my healing from the unique pain of infidelity showed off some resilience.

I’m not excited by the idea I was tested the way I was, but overcoming all that adversity has proven to be a good thing for me.

I learned and re-learned a lot about myself.

Emotional trauma allowed me a full on reset of life’s priorities.

Somehow, finding all that value within me made me better and in turn, really helped my wife and I rebuild our M.

I think it can depend on how one approaches their healing, as I think we see people in the forum everyday who haven’t healed up much.

For me, it was an opportunity or a choice, to get better or get bitter.

I hope your wife finds a way through her pain and can find some peace and joy along the way.

I think the Frodo analogy falls short, because while Frodo carries lasting wounds, he is never betrayed by his closest companion. If Sam had taken the Ring and pushed Frodo into Mount Doom, Frodo’s trauma — had he survived — would have been fundamentally different. Betrayal alters the nature of trauma.

Totally agree the trauma is different. Tolkien was influenced heavily by his experiences in WW1 and Frodo unable to return to normal life / feeling the effects of his PTSD for years is a reflection of the trauma that Tolkien saw and experienced. My main question is how the PTSD from being betrayed manifests later in life. Is it an occasional sadness that manifests or is it so severe that even a reconciled couple still is frequently dealing with the impact for years. I think about the impact this is having on my wife constantly right now, but the wound is fresh and we are actively working on this so my hope is that other BS will say (as some have) that the scab and eventually scar become part of the history, but a smaller and smaller part as time goes on.

Hi feelingverylow, I think your faith will help you with these questions and these questions will help you with your faith. As I understand it, every last thing is restored, but in this world, nothing is what it is meant to be (except Jesus). So we are all, to some extent, like Frodo. We all suffer and decay, decline and must be released. I'd be happy if someone with more theology in this area than I have would speak to it, but I what has helped my husband and me is to sit together to be sad together about the sin that worked through me, and for me to cling hard to all of that stuff in Romans about the sin being in me but it's not the real me. There's a lot to chew over in Romans and although I am sure I am not even getting a small portion of it, thinking about it can be a reset. You and your wife are I think a ways away from being able to sit side by side and be sad together about the sin, but I think you will get there. And don't forget that Jesus kept his scars which surely he did not have to do. A reminder of his story, of his triumph - that can be yours too, your scars and her scars can remind you of the time that you turned yourself inside out from love for her.

I am an enormous LOTR fan, as you might be able to tell from my name, Pippin the little betrayer who brought enormous evil right into the heart of his friends and allies, who was then rescued by his friends and allies and was able to play his role in the story. I was so happy when I found out that my friend and mentor Maia was also a LOTR fan and took her name from the order of Maia that Gandalf was a part of. And of course my husband identifies with Shadowfax. This image used to bring me great comfort, you will know where it is in the story. Gandalf is able to use Pippin's betrayal for good by diverting Sauron's eye away from Frodo; I have prayed many times to be able to use the knowledge and skills I've unhappily gained for good, and I think that prayer has been answered and will continue to be answered.

[This message edited by Pippin at 9:14 PM, Thursday, December 4th]

FVL

As a BW who found out years later, I can tell you that it comes with its own unique issues. This isn't a recent event that we can scrutinize and fact check with abundant amounts of current info. This is something that happened decades ago. Records are gone. Memories are distant. The only details I have come from him, and I have to wonder how much of it he's being 100% honest about or how much he even remembers.

We have to realign our realities. That takes time.

Have you ever watched a movie with a surprise ending? One that made you want to rewatch the whole thing knowing what you now know? That is what this feels like, but with a lot of pain attached. All references to things in our past are now reexamined from a different angle. What we thought they were compared to what they really were. That constant mental realignment and my loss of agency are what seem to grind at me the most now.

Ultimately I think I am grasping for a vision of what healing really looks like for the BS.

It will be 2 yrs tomorrow since my H confessed. It has taken this long for me to begin feeling a little bit of peace. Having this site to read and draw from has helped immensely. I actually turned a corner 2 weeks ago. It is getting better.

Is the best case that the BS learns to live with the pain with the frequency and memory of it gradually fading with time?

I think that is part of it, but not all of it. I want to somehow work to turn this tragedy into something beautiful. There are a few really huge walls that have come down, and I don't want to miss the opportunity we now have to build better.

...when we are having a good day and in a moment I can sense a change, see sadness in my wife's eyes,

Triggers are an unfortunate part of the process. They can hit straight out of blue with absolutely no warning at all. It could be something simple, a sight, the lyric of a song, a bird pooping... anything. There were times when I felt relaxed and at ease and that, in itself, could be a trigger.

One of the things that I learned here was that when a trigger hit to delve deep to figure out the source of that trigger. What was it about, what thoughts or emotions resulted, and whether or not it was an issue to resolve or if I'd already addressed it. Eventually, I learned to disarm them, one by one. If that same trigger hit, I could dismiss it because I had already resolved it, thought about it enough, and no longer felt the need to acknowledge it. It's a process.

Sometimes I would want to share it, sometimes I'd rather sit with it for a while. More often than not, especially if it was a powerful trigger, I'd write about it here, on SI. Sometimes I could resolve it quickly. Sometimes it would take a couple of days.

Bear in mind, the process of recovery is not linear.

I always ask if she wants to talk about things...

I don't know if this will help your wife. Asking if she wants to talk about it might feel like pressure to her, as it often did with me. You know, it's a "should" factor. "Should" I talk about it? Is that best for R? If I don't feel like talking, will it hurt her? Is that bad?

So, instead of putting the ball in her court, you might try simply availing yourself. "I'm here and will listen." Or something like that. It's a simple invitation, with no pressure, real or perceived, to respond.

I would much prefer she expresses her pain than not as I will typically envision much worse than we actually discuss.

That's your problem, not hers. You need to give her whatever space she needs, the freedom to engage or withdraw. I'm sure it won't be easy, but this is the grace you can return.

Our therapist has said the first year will be hard, but getting past the anniversary will be a milestone.

For me, the first year was about my recovery. It was a rough year. As that first "antiversary" approached, I felt very anxious, dreading the triggers I might encounter. Fortunately, I had a bit of forewarning from SI members on how best to get through it. Part of that was remembering that it was just another day of surviving infidelity, no worse or better than any other day. Part of it was that I had the power to give that day whatever significance I chose. Either way, my friend, it's best to temper your expectations.

It is a milestone. No doubt.

Now, for me, realizing that I had survived that first year and felt recovered, the fact that I did not feel healed or reconciled, that another year of surviving infidelity was just beginning, triggered an intense anger stage.

That anger stage caused me to detach. And I mean really back off, refusing to talk or engage at all. That lasted for a few months. I had to do it. I had to focus on MY healing. I didn't think about her, our marriage, or reconciliation. All of my energies were directed on me and finding myself again.

In many ways year two was worse than the first. This is so common that I would venture to say that it will be the same for her. I hope that I am wrong.

Remember, reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint.

I've never been anywhere near a war, thankfully. My time in the Navy was peaceful (1986-90).

The shell shock experienced by combat veterans, I'd imagine, is way worse than the PTSD experienced by your average betrayed spouse. Now, that being said, there have been a couple of vets from Iraq and Afghanistan on SI who said the opposite. I don't know how to qualify or quantity the difference, if there is one at all.

Either way, I'm sure Frodo experienced PTSD on an entirely different level.

***

On a side note, I always felt that Tolkien poured more of himself into Samwise than any other character. Sam's my absolute favorite fictional character of all time.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:47 PM, Thursday, December 4th]

My main question is how the PTSD from being betrayed manifests later in life.

I think that's highly individual. For me, almost 9 years later, the wound is very much alive and the betrayal is very much impactful. I don't know what makes the difference. I don't think I will ever heal from betrayal since it took so many things from me. It's like a curse I can't escape. I'm also a child of war and I don't think you can compare the two.

Now, if I may offer some advice... I haven't read everything you wrote but my impression is that you try to control things too much. You were controlling the narrative of your marriage since 2002! You (and your therapist) controlled everything about the disclosure. After that you already had steps and actions set up for your poor wife who is likely in such shock that she just goes with the flow. She needs her own therapist asap. Not yours. Good luck!

For most betrayed spouses the affair was bad enough. It's all of the lying, blame-shifting, minimizing, gas-lighting, and the rest which often follows that does the greatest damage. With none of that happening in your situation you're way ahead of the curve.

This. I'm 8 months from d day, but because of my wife's (fairly) early full disclosure, sincerity, and efforts to make amends I feel like we're ahead of most couples in this situation. I'm not fully healed, and I doubt I'll ever be the same, but I can smile and laugh again. We enjoy each other's company. She's my favorite person to be around, and I know I'm hers. I feel like I can start trusting her again.

I've been silently following your threads. I think your honesty, attitude, and remorse combined with the way your wife is graciously handling this and her willingness to work also are going to take you guys far. I don't think you're a bad person and I'll bet your wife doesn't either.

That said, with all of these fellow Tolkien fans participating in this thread, how about that Amazon Rings Of Power series?? IT'S SOOOO GOOD AND REALLY HONORS TOLKIEN'S WORK!

Right guys? R-r-riiight...?

/End sarcasm

t/j

sarcasm

thank god

end t/j