SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out last week my husband has been cheating, we have 2 children and are married. I'm devastated and I don't know how to move forward now especially with the children. He met the woman at the gym, they became friends and he admitted he enjoyed spending time with her and things escalated. He insists there was only kissing but no sex but admitted there was talk of sex and if things had continued sex could have happened. She also said she loves him and he said it back although he claims he doesn't love her He was just scared about ending things with her and me finding out so he continued with it and essentially led her on but obviously I don't know if that's the case. He immediately cut contact with her and deleted her number,He admitted he has been selfish and only thinking of himself and completely neglected me and seems very remorseful. I have lost myself as a person and as a mum all I have done is take care of everyone and given up on myself which he also said he took for granted what I was doing and basically walked all over me because I was soft and he knew he could which he said he knows is fucked up and selfish (which is horrible to hear) but that is the case. He says being apart this week has really has hit home and says he will do anything to get me and the kids back including counselling etc. I just don't know if I can get over the thought of him kissing her and saying he loves her just kills me. Can you really make it work after that?

Selenite, I'm so sorry you are here. Truly, it's a horrible feeling and several people here, myself included, know exactly what you are going through. You have found a great place to vent, cry, ask for help, etc.

This early on post discovery, I just want to share a few pieces of advice.

1. Focus on yourself. 1 week post "D-Day" is a very hard time. You need to try to focus on yourself. You're probably not eating/drinking or sleeping. Try to eat something. A protein bar, crackers, anything. Mentally you are in a rough spot, try to physically improve yourself. Not eating/drinking or sleeping will only make your mental state much worse. Drink water regularly and try to eat something.

Sleeping is going to be much more difficult. Your thoughts will come to your head every night and anxiety/panic attacks may kick in. Try to journal during the day to get all of your thoughts our of your head. If you haven't sought after a therapist for yourself, I highly recommend you find one. There are several very good therapists that deal with this and can help you work your way through it.

2. Focus on your kids. This is a horrible event you are experiencing and extremely selfish act from your husband, but continue to focus on your children. Your kids should still be a focal point, and part of that is point 1, focusing on yourself. Be as strong as you can for yourself but also your kids.

Can you really make it work after that?

You're way to early to worry about this yet. Eventually you'll reach a point where you need to decide if you're going to stay together or divorce, but you're so early on with this ordeal.

This part may sting; what you know may not be all the details. There's a cheater methodology called "trickle truth" where once the gig is up they are only willing to give a couple of truths in order to save their "real life". You need full transparency and discover the truth. Once you have the full truth, you can make a decision about staying together or separating. But it's going to be a pain staking journey to find the truth and what you may find out during the fact finding mission may hurt. Many people here, myself included, suggest a polygraph.

He insists it was "just kissing", how can you be certain? If he's capable of doing this, can you be certain she was only one? If they are capable of being a cheater, they are capable of being a liar.

Is he still a member at that gym? If yes, why.

There's several literature out there affair spouses can read about helping their spouse cope with affairs. If he hasn't bought one yet, why?

Talk is cheap, actions mean so much more. If he's saying all the right things, that's great; is he doing the right things?

Continue to post, ask questions, etc. You've found a great support group and I'm rooting for you. But above all else, try to take care of yourself. Things will get better with time, but you need to focus on yourself.

First I am very sorry that you have been impacted by infidelity. We all understand everything you are going through as we have experienced the same thing.

There is a Healing Library here at SI that is full of resources to help you through this trauma. Please don’t hesitate to use it as there is almost nothing we have not faced as a result of cheating.

There is an excellent book by Linda MacDonald called How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. It is full of excellent advice. Your Cheating Husband (CH) should read it and so should you. It outlines what you should expect from your H if he truly wants to Reconcile (R).

Please continue to post here. We can spot fake reconciliation behavior a mile away. If your H’s actions don’t match his words, that is a red flag. Here’s an example. If you say to him that you want to have full access to his phone and all passwords — and he refuses— that is a red flag. 🚩 🚩🚩.

If you say you want to put a location tracker in his phone and he refuses, that is also a red flag. 🚩🚩

Often it is not the affair that is the issue, but the behavior of the cheater after Dday (discovery day) that kills the marriage. Just so you know, the marriage you had is somewhat over. You will need to build a new marriage and initially there is distrust between you. And rightfully so.

This is where the cheater has to prove to you that they really deserve to remain married. It takes years to get to a point where you have trust again.

And that is achieved by consistently showing you that the cheater is willing to make amends. Help you heal from the trauma caused by the affair.

You need your own counselor - professional therapist who has experience in infidelity.

Your H needs his own counselor too. To learn WHY he chose to cheat. Cheating is a selfish decision and there is NO GOOD REASON to cheat. Period.

I hope this advice helps you. Welcome to SI - a club no one wants to join.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:03 AM, Sunday, May 17th]

Thank you for your responses, it's just all consuming im sick of thinking about it! Yeah I do know about the trickle truth and I've given him multiple opportunities to tell me if they had sex and I've made it clear that I will message the other woman and ask her so if I hear anything from her that he's not told me then it's game over and there is no way of reconciling and he still maintains there wasn't sex, he said it was spoken about and if things had carried on it would have happened as it was quite passionate kissing (which is awful to hear but I would rather know that than just be told it was a peck) he said he didn't see a future with this woman he was just caught up in the excitement of something new and he became exhausted living a double life (poor him!!)but also this other woman seemed to think they would be together. He has clearly manipulated the both of us to fulfil his needs and he accepted there is something deeply wrong with him as he doesn't know how he could switch off from her when he came home but he did and he seems almost numb of any feelings which he also said isn't normal and he doesn't understand why. He said he will go to therapy to understand why he has done this.