I am the betrayed H, and I am struggling to decide whether I should genuinely attempt R or accept that our marriage is over and move forward as co-parenting partners. I cannot divorce her because of our children.
We have been married for about 16 years. Her AP is also married and has children. The affair lasted approximately two years and was both emotional and physical.
How affair started:
I met my wife’s AP about 2.5 years ago and became casual friends. We had a few family gatherings together, and during that period, my wife exchanged phone numbers with his wife.
Initially, AP started sending inspirational messages, jokes, and similar messages on WhatsApp to both me and my wife. My wife mentioned to me once that he was sending her messages. I considered it harmless and did not take any action. Over time, their communication escalated. They moved to Instagram and eventually used a private account for their communication.
They exchanged affectionate messages, romantic and sexual content, and eventually started discussing meeting privately. Their first meeting happened after about two months of chatting. They kissed, my W felt guilty, left, and blocked him for about three months. During those three months, AP planned two family gatherings.
She later unblocked him, and he immediately resumed contacting her. Initially, my W told AP that she wanted to continue the relationship but without physical meetings.
AP also used to call me occasionally. On two occasions, during conversations with me, he apparently found out that my wife was alone at home and came to our house to meet her. I was so stupid and naïve that I did not realize his intentions.
Whenever she didn’t reply to him for days, the AP used to plan to have a drink with me at a bar near my house and try to visit my house to see her. He would then message her, saying that he had come there just to see her and that this showed how much he loved her. When my W questioned the AP about how he could use my H to reach her, he would say, "Everything is fair in love and war." She told him many times not to use her H to reach her, but he continued to use me as opportunities to see her. She used to feel flattered by the effort he was making.
During the last year of the affair, the relationship became much more intense - daily chats, romantic and sexual content, and physical meetings 1–2 times every month.
What my wife said about the affair:
She has told me that she knew what she was doing was wrong and felt guilty. She said she never intended to start A, but it just happened. She wanted to stop but couldn’t. She told me that she cried, asking herself why she was doing this, and prayed to God to help her stop.
Over those two years, she says she tried to end the relationship many times, but they would usually reconnect within a few days. She told me that AP wanted to meet her every week. She tried to avoid meeting him, gave excuses, and sometimes even lied to avoid meeting him, but he kept pushing her to meet, she couldn’t stop him.
She told me that she had become addicted to the daily routine. She liked the attention, affection, excitement, and validation she received from him. She believed that, in this universe, nobody loved her more than he did.
AP repeatedly told her that she was his world and that he couldn’t live without her. He told her that she motivated him and that he couldn’t concentrate on his work when she didn’t respond to him. She told me that he gave her so much importance. He ignored his wife and children just to meet and chat with me. He loved me more than his wife and children, and even when I ignored him, he never became angry.
During the last three months of the affair, she says she stopped feeling guilty and stopped actively trying to end it. She felt that perhaps this was her destiny and essentially left the matter to God, thinking that God would guide her toward whatever was best for her.
She had believed that I would never discover the affair and that she could somehow continue both relationships. She said that she became influenced by ideas and manipulated herself to justify and continue the affair-
"We only get one life."
"The ultimate goal of life is happiness."
"I deserve to be happy."
"I can do whatever makes me happy if I don’t harm anyone."
What was happening in our marriage during the affair:
During the affair period, our relationship seemed to improve. We had fewer arguments, and she became more caring and understanding wife. We spent more family time together. However, emotional affection and romance between us had largely reduced. This had happened over the last several years, after the birth of our children. We still had a normal physical relationship as husband and wife, but I was usually the one initiating it.
About the AP:
The AP was extremely persistent in pursuing her. Even when she ignored him, blocked him, or became angry with him, he continued contacting her. She says he could send 50–100 messages, apologies, affectionate messages, reels, etc., in a day when she was not responding. 20-30 messages/reels daily on normal day.
On DDay, my wife informed AP that I had discovered the affair. He immediately blocked both of us.
DDay+3day, I wanted to confront him but did not know his home address. I obtained another phone number and asked my wife to call him so that I could speak with him. She called him, but he responded rudely to her, ended the call, and blocked the number. She cried after this incident.
I created new account in IG and sent him an angry message accusing him of betraying me as a friend and questioning his character. I also made some insulting comments about his physical appearance and size.
He replied with extremely vulgar and humiliating comments about my W character and how he used her in bed.
DDay:
I discovered the affair accidentally. I had absolutely no suspicion beforehand. I could not even imagine that my W could have an affair. On DDay, before the discovery, she was upset and irritated without any obvious reason. Somehow, I got up at night, and a thought came to me about what was wrong with her. I thought I should check her phone to see if she had discussed anything with ChatGPT.
I found some of her previous conversations with ChatGPT about the affair. She had been asking questions about whether what she was doing was right or wrong, whether she could continue the affair as long as she kept her husband and family happy, how much she and her AP loved each other, and whether her AP loved her more than his wife. She had also written that they did not want a future together and only wanted to maintain a romantic relationship.
What happened after DDAY:
She answered my questions openly and was transparent with me.
She told me that she never intended to leave the marriage, she was selfish and that she hurt me. She never wanted to hurt or leave me. She has accepted responsibility.
She said that she has already caused damage and cannot undo it. She is ready to accept any kind of punishment from me if it can reduce my pain. She is doing her part to fix the relationship. She said that she always wanted to stop the affair but needed an external force to do so. Now, she says, she doesn’t remember him. The daily routine is gone, so he is gone from her mind. She says she doesn’t remember him or romanticize him now. She said that he is not physically attractive and that she also did not find him better in bed. She said she used to meet him because of the romantic and sexual content they exchanged, which gave her a different kind of feeling and excitement.
Almost every other day, I get triggered and verbally abuse her, telling her how she ruined the marriage, how she could do this, how selfish she was, etc. She listens patiently, say she was sorry, apologies, and try to comfort me. I would feel better, and our relationship would improve, but then I would get triggered again, push her away, and verbally abuse her. This has been happening in cycles.
For the last 2 weeks, she has just listened, doesn’t say much and does not try to make things better. She seems to have accepted that our relationship will not improve and that we will live like co-parents, fighting and arguing every other day. If I keep my distance, she also keeps her distance. If I get closer to her, she also comes closer. Her behaviour is entirely based on how I behave, and my behavior depends on my triggers.
Questions:
Given this history, should I try R?
Given that she loved him so deeply, will she ever be able to truly forget him?
Most of the things in our marriage was good. How could she choose an affair for her own selfish excitement and ruin our marriage?
I am unable to accept that she risked and ignored marriage, children, family reputation, H pain/trauma, and enjoyed her affair for two years and now wants to come back and resume earlier married life.
Does she deserve to have a happy married life after doing all this?
Every day, I get triggered, especially by the AP’s message describing their intimate acts, her ChatGPT messages such as "We love each other" and "I liked meeting him," and the affectionate names they used to call each other.
Why didn’t I tell her to block his contact at the beginning, when she informed me that he was sending her messages?
Why didn’t I check her phone earlier and discover the affair?
AP once told my W, "Beautiful women are not available; we steal them from careless men." Was I careless, and did my carelessness contribute to the affair?
How can I stop thinking about these things?
Thank you, I truly appreciate your time, understanding, and willingness to share your thoughts.
