Parting with probably half my flock :(

I currently have ten 9 week-old chickens, at least half of which I suspect are male. My husband said I cannot keep roosters because he doesn't want the neighbors to be disturbed by crowing. I told him I would either rehome or eat the roosters as soon as I was sure they were roos, and I sent away feathers for genetic testing, so I should know for certain by the end of the month... It's so hard to wait for the results!

One bird has already started crowing in the AM and is getting progressively louder. I posted him on Facebook and Craigslist for adoption, as I have grow too attached to kill and eat him. If someone is intending to eat him, I hope I never find out about it... I knew when I got a coop rated for 4-6 adult chickens and purchased a pack of 10 unsexed chicks, that some would have to go. Usually one or two of them don't survive the stress of shipping, and a couple more will die of illness, so I am surprised to still have all 10 clucking at this point... This is turning out to be way harder emotionally than I expected. They are such good, sweet chickens!

Anyone else go through something similar? Or metaphorically shot themselves in the foot like me and want to commiserate?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, November 25th, 2025

Hypnosis?

Hi guys… A month after the A, BH asked me to sit down and write down every instance of infidelity or dishonesty towards him I could think of. I tried my best, but there were things that I think my mind repressed. The most successful liars convince themselves that what they’re telling others is the truth. I recently did some internal work to be able to handle the shame of prior incidences, and I think that in combination with that trying to become a more honest person, some of those repressed memories are now returning. It’s basically unintentional TTing at this point.

I remembered two last week, and was trying to find the right time to tell BH. (Not before work, not before bed on a weekday, not when he was in a great mood or in a terrible one, etc., to minimize the rippling impact of the disclosure.) At the advice of some others, I decided to just get it over with, and I told him last night… As expected, it sucked. We had, I think, a productive conversation afterwards, but of course he didn’t sleep well, and today he is back to processing additional pain. (I keeping thinking how awful this is and a voice in my head responds "Oh would you look at that? It’s the consequences of your actions!" Thanks, brain.)

I’m just wondering, does anyone have experience with unlocking repressed memories? I was considering trying hypnosis to see if that would help. I want this to stop, but I can’t even guarantee that I won’t remember something a week, a month, or even years later and have to disclose again. I feel powerless and I don’t like it.

10 comments posted: Saturday, November 22nd, 2025

Ways to reassure your BS ?

Recently I've noticed my BH is asking me if I "have plans" whenever I ask him questions about his schedule. For example, I asked him what days next month he'll be out of the country to visit his daughter at university, because my mother and grandma were wanting to come keep me company while he's away, and he asked me then. (This can be verified through my texts with them, and also if he were to call them directly and ask about it. I plan on sending him lots of photos of us all together in the hopes that will reassure him that I'm not up to anything nefarious in his absence.)

Another time, we were leaving from someplace in separate cars to head home, and I turned a different direction than he did, and he saw a car that looked like mine turn into a restaurant I had mentioned wanting to go to, and he called me to ask if I "had a date." I told him I was on my way home and that I was anxious to get there to care for my animals. (Could be verified through GPS location, which he has of both my car and electronic devices at all times.)

We have a function to go to this weekend for my work, and I asked him which nights he was spending with me, because I worry about my aging MIL's ability to care for our youngest and the animals for too long while we're away. I think he was suspicious that I was trying to plan something else then, too. (He has all my passwords and everything and he can check my devices at any time without any pushback or judgement from me, though I realize one could go to extra lengths to conceal secret communications, so maybe that's not actually reassuring... side note, not to pat myself on the back tooo much, but I am pleased that there's a voice I my head going "Omg that would be SO exhausting to do. I don't even want to think about it," rather than it's usual "Ooh, we're not going to actually do this or anything... but how would we do it if we were?" Clinging to every small bit of progress that I can, apparently.)

I understand completely why he's being like this and I'm not frustrated by it or anything like that, by any means, but I am trying to brainstorm about ways to alleviate some of the anxiety. I did ask him myself and he said he'll think about it, and I said I would too. I hope it's not lazy to try to crowdsource ideas from here, as well; I just don't want to overlook anything that might help.

I'm trying not to sit in the car by myself anymore for long (even though it's literally the only place for me that's completely peaceful!) because I was sneaking out to the car to talk to the AP when the affair was going on, so it's triggering for BH now. He also gets anxious when I'm not sleeping in bed with him, so I've been avoiding sleeping on the couch and, somewhat more reluctantly and with much more difficulty, falling asleep while snuggling with our daughter in her bed. He told me that I have a habit of locking my phone and putting it face-down when he walks up to me, which is understandably suspicious, so I've been trying to be mindful of it and either leave my phone unlocked and face up, or let him know that I'm locking it because I want to focus on him in that moment...I didn't come to bed last night until 3am because I was up trying to catch up on housework, which I don't feel like I can avoid at the moment if I want to ever catch up and reign this house back in from it's current chaos spiral. But hopefully I can stay on track and quit doing that too. I'm going to try to preface schedule questions with why I'm asking, I think.

I'm sure it will probably just take time, but I'd love to hear any recommendations if you have them for me. Maybe the BS have things that made them feel more assured that they'd be willing to share? Thanks in advance.

Additional edit to add: I also want to start taking better care of my body and appearance, both because I feel like a schlubb and because I think my husband deserves a good-looking wife, but I worry he'll think I'm doing it for someone else... and now that I've typed this, I also worry that he'll think I'm playing 4D chess and trying to cover my ass since I know he reads my posts... What a mess I've made!

59 comments posted: Thursday, November 20th, 2025

How do you shake off depression?

I have type II bipolar disorder, though mine is more like going through periods of being okay and periods of depression now, as I hardly experience manic episodes anymore… I felt a depressive episode begin yesterday, probably because I forgot to take my meds for a few days in a row, and everything just feels so hard! I’m glad for my animals otherwise I don’t think I could have gotten myself out of bed, but now I’m thinking about all the tasks I have to do and dreading them so, so much. I’m not in a position at all to have several days where I don’t get anything done.

Does anyone else experience this? How do you shake yourself out of it?

3 comments posted: Wednesday, November 19th, 2025

He's stopped talking about it

BH has stopped talking about the A and our... "Journey" together afterwards, and it worries me a bit. I asked him about it last night, and he said that he thinks he's doing better, but also that talking about it has not gone well in the past... Not good. Not good at all. I am thoroughly embarrassed that he's not comfortable talking things through with me, but I can't blame him either. I thought the last time we talked about it went well, though...? I hope that with the bit of progress I'm making in IC that eventually I can become someone who is safe to talk to.

Though, I am probably not as far along as I think, as I got triggered over us disagreeing about who put his phone cords in the phone cord drawer and whether he actually looked where I suggested he look before he recruited me to find it for him, and the fact that I didn't find it in the drawer because I didn't even know what the thing looked like... Any time our perceptions of reality differ significantly like that, it's deeply disturbing to me. I have to remind myself that he's [most likely] not doing it intentionally.

There was another instance where I was saying that I think I've been pinning so much of my self-worth on his reactions and opinions of me, and how, for example, I've been working on this painting at the direction of my IC, and I felt so proud of it and my artistic abilities... But I still want my H to think it's good, and to think of me as creative and talented. My memory has me showing it to him and him giving me a lukewarm response of "It looks great so far," which is reminiscent of how I respond to my toddler showing me something entirely unimpressive while I'm too tired or busy to come up with more specific, heartfelt praise. He reports remembering telling me it's "beautiful" and having an in-depth discussion of the symbolism and that it's very "creative," but the only part of that I remember is sitting in the car with him and me rambling about my artistic choices while he murmured "mm hm" occasionally or cracked jokes that took us off subject a bit... There is a possibility he is right and he did say those things and I just don't remember, but I feel like I hang on his compliments so, so much -- like I live for them, which I know is entirely unhealthy -- that I would definitely remember if he actually said those things instead of maybe just thinking them. (I do think he thinks he says things aloud sometimes that he only thinks in his head. What a pair we are!) I guess maybe that's my inner child wanting the approval of others in order to feel good enough, again.

I don't know. I just feel so far away from him, like he's becoming a bit of a stranger. We've been giving each other lots of physical affection, but it's been difficult to have frequent sexual intimacy because we've both been really tired lately, and he'll either fall asleep on the couch, or one of us will fall asleep while sitting with our daughter waiting for her to pass out. Sometimes I sit there looking at Facebook. I know I've been spending way too much time looking at my phone, but I don't have anyone to talk to all day long, and often when we're together, he's just not saying anything to me. He apologized for it the other night and I said "That's okay," and I'm trying really hard to be patient because I know we're still working through the whole infidelity thing and we're less focused on my needs right now, but... I just don't feel very connected to him right now. I'm so sad about it. I'm trying to find childcare so maybe we can go on some dates in hopes that will help, and trying to find people with similar interests to hang out with IRL through Facebook groups.

I can't help but wonder if maybe trying to shift more towards self-love rather than pedestalizing him and needing his love, praise, approval, etc. is creating distance between us.

4 comments posted: Monday, October 27th, 2025

Is it okay to decide…

… That I’ve felt bad enough about what I did, for long enough?

I’ve been reading here and on other infidelity support forums for several months now, and while there is lots of helpful information, the occasions where a BS makes a negative comment or assumption about all WS in general seem to really make me bristle. I find myself having imaginary arguments with the posters in my head for much of the day. I was trying to figure out why that was happening, as it’s very disruptive. I think it might be because I have a deep need to feel like I’m a good person worthy of love and marriage, and there’s some insidious voice inside of me that keeps saying that isn’t true. It latches onto those negative comments online, amplifies them, and plays them on repeat, and I’m scrambling to defend myself and the last, struggling bit of self-worth I have from it.

I don’t want to forget my infidelity, because I think it’s important to keep myself vigilant for any warning signs that I’m at risk of doing it again… But I don’t think this amount of guilt and shame and thinking about it that I’m doing now is of much benefit, if any, to me or my husband. It feels like not my place to decide when I’ve felt badly enough, for long enough, but maybe I can? I have a plan in place to keep my marriage safe while I work on myself. I’ve introspected a ton and identified key issues to resolve. Maybe I can just focus on that instead of my infidelity, and save thinking about it for when BH is triggered or seeking comfort/answers?

Am I treading the line between self-forgiveness and… I don’t know, letting myself off the hook? (Does that make sense to anyone, or just to me?)

81 comments posted: Saturday, October 25th, 2025