SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The affair happened 13 years ago. I gave her another chance, and even though she hasn't had another affair, she's still been uncaring to me.

I finally started the process. That played out over in the General forum the last two months. If you want to you can catch up here:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/664931/did-i-make-the-right-choice/

Anyway, her lawyer is asking for 1800 / month for 10 years. My lawyer thinks that is absurd. This sucks. I should have left years ago.

My forgiving and patient nature is biting me in the ass right now.

As well as my stupid idealistic view on the marriage. I always chose to see what I thought could be and not what was.

Actually fighting off a little self hatred right now.

Hopefully your lawyer can help get that to a more reasonable number.

I completely get the kicking myself in the behind for not leaving earlier in the M. I put myself through years of misery hoping my M would get better, that my xWS would change, and of course my fear of breaking up the family. I wasted so many years and my mental and physical health took a great hit. Not to mention our kids saw a really crap M. Not something that ever should have been modeled to them. But it's better late than never and things get so much better after D. I am living my best life now in peace and my kids have adjusted to the new situation. Alls well that ends well.

My own lawyer is pushing hard for 0, based on the fact that she's spent 5 of the last 6 years in grad school (so there is no need for training to reenter the workforce), and also on the fact that she works full time and will be self sufficient.

She also attends a lot of conferences in her field as a presenter, and a little less than two years ago she actually won an award for best presentation. So she's already considered an expert in her field -- there is no rust to shake off here, she's not some stay-at-home-mom who gave up her career for the marriage.

I kind of wonder if she's just trying to inflict pain. A couple close friends of mine had the same reaction.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 8:12 PM, Thursday, March 6th]

I applaud you for taking steps to take care of yourself. False R is the absolute worst.
Your STBXW's lawyer certainly seems to be reaching. Do you still have children at home?

We do not have any kids.

Divorce is a negotiation process.

Your lawyer will help you get to an alimony $ amount you can live with and for less than 10 years.

Hang in there! You will survive this.

And I hope your future will be filled with happiness and peace. And may you find relationships in the future that are fulfilling and rewarding for you.

I’m glad you see your STBXW for the person she really is. I’m sorry I pointed out her cruel demeanor in the General forum section, but I feel like someone needed to help you open your eyes to who your STBXW really is.

One thing I would suggest you consider.

With no kids the two of you can divorce, and you have no more interaction with her other than you want after that.
This might sound cold after a long marriage, but this is actually very common. People don’t divorce because they get along so great. Divorced couples hopefully become amicable and even friendly if they have to coparent, but it’s not likely that you will drop off for a coffee or invite your ex to dinner or whatever once this is over.
So... look for ways to complete this process once and for all...

Your attorney will give you a realistic picture of what to expect. But consider this:

Let’s imagine solely for the sake of this example that she was entitled to 1000 per month for 10 years. Again – solely for this example.
That makes 1000 x 12 x 10 = 120000
Let’s also imagine you had a house valued at 300k and maybe a 50k mortgage.
In lieu of spousal support you could offer a one-off payment in the form of you getting less equity in the house.
You could even offer 80k as a one-off payment, arguing that it’s money-up-front, that she doesn’t have to factor taxes, devaluation due to inflation or that you go bankrupt, disappear or die.
That money could be paid in the form of part of your share of the house: 300 – 50 = 250 of assets, split in half = 125k each, minus the 80k in lieu of support = you have 45k in the house.
She wants the house – she pays the missing amount (45k) by forfeiting whatever right she might have to joint savings, pensions, 401k or whatever.

The goal is that you both basically get half of everything, except that it’s not half the house and half the cars and so on, but half the value.

Have to say that personally I would prefer writing a monthly check for 1000 for rent – something I could get out of by buying a new home in the next 10 years – rather than sending her a monthly reminder of the marriage.

If your lawyer objectively thinks their offer of 1800/mo is crazy, your W probably has told her lawyer she doesn’t want a divorce so make it look horrible in an Effort to change your mind.
It’s a stupid tactic from our perspective.

My lawyer's actual words to me were that the offer was "absurd given the facts of this case."

He said he would argue for 0, but said I should be prepared for something like 1000 / month for 5 to 7 years, on the high side.

He said her extensive and recent education, the money she makes, the fact that she is currently full time and never left the workforce, and that she will be self sufficient are all in my favor. For those that are curious, she makes 70k / year.

Per my lawyer the only argument she has is the length of the marriage, which is my own damn fault. (and for those who aren't familiar, the A was 13 years ago) I should have left then, I should have left then, I should have left then.

Any one from the JFO forum poking around in here, just divorce. You can always remarry if you choose R. Your forgiving and/or patient nature may be used against you in the future even if everything else is in your favor. It's stupid.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 5:17 AM, Saturday, March 8th]

Maybe you'll be able to switch equity in something else? $60k-$72k from the home so you don't have to pay alimony? Just spit ballin' ideas.

Brief update:

Well after their initial offer my lawyer requested some documents to substantiate her (absurd) opening offer. It's been radio silence. My lawyer has said that hers is notoriously slow and difficult to work with. They won't even return the admission of service.

I asked her directly if she would be willing to provide those but she said she wanted everything to go through the lawyers.

Feels like stalling. We're thinking court orders soon to try to get things moving. At this point it looks like its just going to get dragged out as long as possible which sucks.

It amuses me because when she asked for something I provided it within a day.

I feel more and more like marrying her was the biggest mistake I ever made.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 9:40 PM, Tuesday, April 29th]

In my experience working for a divorce lawyer for years, you should request compensation for all the $ you invested in her education.

So if she wants $60,000 for alimony you should ask for an equal sum for the $ you forked out over the years for her educational expenses, tuition & books & travel expenses etc. You have an investment in her earning potential too.

That’s how we would play it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:35 PM, Wednesday, April 30th]

Sorry about all the stall tactics. High-priced manipulation.

I hope things go well for you and start moving faster.

So if she wants $60,000 for alimony you should ask for an equal sum for the $ you forked out over the years for her educational expenses, tuition & books & travel expenses etc. You have an investment in her earning potential too.

I was going to ask this as well. I.e., is her college expense considered as part of your martial assets/liability.

My ex could have asked for alimony (but did not) so I did not add my college expense to the liability list. I felt that was fair.

I know I was shocked when my attorney said my ex could request alimony. We both always worked full time but I made slightly more. Is there a big difference in your salaries that would be her rationale?

Ahhh... just saw I'm posting more or less the same advice as I had previously...

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:59 AM, Thursday, May 1st]

Treat the divorce like a business negotiation. I feel you should do what is in your best interest, monetarily long-term.

I would also allow all negotiations regarding the divorce to proceed through your attorney. Soon to be ex wayward wives seem to me to enjoy any interaction they get.

I am sorry her attorney procrastinates. If the time gets successive, then your attorney can address it through the courts. Please be patient during the process as you journey out of infidelity.

Do not feel negative about decisions you made in the past. Leave them in the past. The ones you make in the present and future are the ones that impact you now.

Another way to look at the divorce settlement:

A payment of $60,000 to $84,000 over 5 to 7 years to get rid of an uncaring wayward wife sounds to me to be a very good bargain.

If you were still married to her, you would spend way more than this keeping a wayward wife around. (My opinion only)

I know this is difficult from my experience. I would seek out things you enjoy and things of beauty to experience as your journey through your divorce. I would focus as little as possible on the divorce unless it was for settlement purposes. There is no reason to look in the rearview mirror as you are not going that way.

Be kind to and take care of yourself. Start enjoying your life and new experiences done only for yourself!

Something finally happened with her lawyer on Tuesday. She came home that evening pretty cranky and I decided to leave the house for a while. For that little bit of time I was actually kind of happy since I assumed her meeting with her lawyer probably gave her some news she didn't want to hear.

When I came back in the evening, she said that I sexually assaulted her some time last year. That she had woken up with me naked on top of her and with her saying 'no'. I was shocked and disgusted said I don't remember anything like what she was describing happening.

I left immediately. It was maybe 11 or so at night but I quickly grabbed my work laptop, a couple blankets, and the clothes on my back and slept that night in my car in a church parking lot.

A couple of good friends took me in the following day, and I've been with them since.

I'm just confused and stunned. My friends have said the timing of this isn't a coincidence. I am trying to work out in my mind where she is coming from, I have a hard time believing that she would make something like this up and trying to work out if there was some other advance I made that was rejected and maybe made her feel uncomfortable. But "you were on top of me naked and I was saying 'no' " -- no way. no way. I've never done anything like that and any time I make an advance and get rejected I stop.

I'm just shocked and stunned and confused. Even as little as a few days ago she was cooking and offering to share the meals she cooked with me.

She also said she's afraid of me which confuses me because back when I told her I was leaving some of the things she said were that she would miss having me in the house because it made her feel safe. That and she tried to have sex with me in the shower in February. And she was hoping I would still come around to watch tv and hang out.

Why does this have to be so hard? :(

My therapist was shocked and pacing the room when I gave her the news. She told me to let my lawyer know asap, which I did.

I went back once, when she had said she was working and wasn't there, with a friend to act as a witness, to collect a few more of my things - clothes, pills, etc.

I don't plan on returning until the divorce decree is done, and only then with a team of folks to help me move out the rest of my stuff. I'm not going to put myself anywhere near her ever again.

She’s trying to scare you to get the money she wants.

Follow your lawyer’s advice.