SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Reconciliation was going well until a couple of days ago and I've just sunk into pure anger.

Last night I asked my WH if he ever masturbated to memories of sex with the AP (His affair was 12 years ago but I only found out 3 months ago. He also had a. Affair with her in 2001 and 2003 before we got together).

He said he used the memories of the 2001 affair to masturbate after the affair because they were 'exciting' but says he hasn't done this for years now. This has devastated me as he said he had compartmentalised the affair and couldn't remember but now knowing he used the memory of their affair to wank suggests he never felt any guilt and remorse to me or his best mate whose wife it was. He says it doesn't mean that at all. I told him it wasnt normal and he said it wasn't 'my Normal' then shouted 'youll put this on your fucking forum'. Is this normal? Can you show remorse and still use the mental images of the affair to jerk off?

I am so so down and I just want someone to hug me and he was giving me that comfort before but the last few days of seeing her old Facebook posts to me and rcognising the affair for what it is has caused me to spiral and I can't seek comfort from him anymore but feel like I can't cope without it.

Is he just being super honest now or is this a giant red flag that he still disrespects me?

[This message edited by Evio at 9:26 AM, Thursday, April 17th]

Personally, relative to the other crap your husband has done this, too me, is insignificant. Does it suck to hear during these vulnerable times I have no doubt but I guess you can appreciate the fact that he is being honest.

My worry, because I am a very skeptical, cynical person now adays.. is that this was a distracting comment, sort of like a smoke screen. He knows you're putting a spot lot on his actions and he can see you are hurt. He may believe if he shares stuff like this (very personal, but categorically insignificant, unnecessary and likely won't be detrimental) you will be convinced he is being open and sharing everything with you. If he convinces you that he has shared everything and you trust his timeline you will back off and not find more dirty secrets. I believe there is more, someone willing to sink to these depths doesn't just flip a switch one day and start to honor his wife. I have read too many stories on here about how, years later, more is discovered.. I read just yesterday about a poor guy that went through 3 D days over 5 years..for whatever reason this simp forgives and moves on only to find out 18 years later she never stopped and had at least 20 additional APs over the course of their marriage. Again, my two cents.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:13 PM, Saturday, April 19th]

There are lots of issues that you have going on, so I do not want this viewed as giving credit exactly. However, that is something he could easily have lied about. I generally think it means you have his honesty.

Often ws are not remorseful until a) they can see the damage they caused or b) the undisclosed affair has ended long enough ago that they begin to feel guilty about it.

Someone who is in an active affair especially like this one, there is a lot of compartmentalization and justifications that are almost like brainwashing yourself to believe what you are doing is okay somehow. That doesn’t go away immediately after an affair, it takes some time to unwind it. And probably longer in a case where you aren’t seeing your spouse have to deal with it. Until that day comes a ws will minimize their estimation of your reaction.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:20 PM, Thursday, April 17th]

My MC told my H that he should answer every one of my question honestly. And he told me that I should make sure that I really wanted the answer before I asked.

YOU ASKED. As painful as it was to hear that answer, he told you the truth. This is the nitty gritty stuff necessary for true R, and it's not for sissies. You are not a sissy.

I also don't know that he's true R material, but this one action is true R behavior.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 5:00 PM, Thursday, April 17th]

BuffaloBill

Keep in mind that name calling is a violation in the Reconciliation forum.

Please refrain from name-calling in the Reconciliation forum. Thank you!

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/

Evio, Evio,

What are you doing?

You shouldn’t have asked, and he shouldn’t have answered the way he did.

And I get the "well, he was honest."

And I get the "it’s a trick to make you think he’s honest about everything."

Who knows.

I’m confused about the timing, though. You say it was after the 2001 affair, which was before you two were together. Was he thinking about her way back then, or more recently?

On to the substance.

Was he disrespecting you and his mate by cheating with mate’s wife? Of course he was, in the worst way possible.

Was he continuing to disrespect you and mate by thinking of her to further his arousal? Good grief, I don’t know.

Have you never fantasized about another man? Have you never gotten aroused watching a steamy scene in a movie? Is any of that disrespecting your husband?

He’s had sex with other women. You wanting to be his best in every category is understandable, but unreasonable.

Was there something about her that he found particularly arousing? Something about her looks, or actions? Maybe.

Does he wish your boobs we’re bigger/smaller? Maybe. So what. Maybe you wish he was bigger/smaller. So what.

Maybe he was just reliving the thrill of the conquest, or soaking himself in the validation.

Whatever it was, it’s faded for him.

You’re trying to compare, and you don’t even know what you’re comparing to.

Stop it.

He married you, after her. That’s what matters.

Former...he married me afterwards then went and had another 2 year affair with her WHILST married to me! This was 12 years ago but I only found out in January.

He had affairs with this 'woman' 2001, 2003 and 2010-2012.

I know you didn't agree with the one posters perspective;

He married you, after her. That’s what matters.

but this is the viewpoint I have also taken.

Although I definitely understand why you and many people do feel this way. I know too well the deep pain that infidelity causes but for me after fighting so hard to reconcile and finally succeeding i was willing to go along with virtually anything. Compared to some other things that I've put up with (false reconciliations, TT, pick-me-dance) the knowledge that my wife thinks about her affair partner when she masturbates (I know she does) is a low bar.

To my way of thinking, if a wayward spouse masturbates while recalling exciting, deeply gratifying or emotionally satisfying moments of sexual.pleasure from their infidelity, it is an extension of the affair into the present.moment and signifies the disturbing reality that they haven't done all the work.necessary to renounce the affair or abhor their participation in their betrayal of you and your marriage. Similar IMO to secretly keeping.mementos, letters, cards, texts or gifts from the affair partner. It says to me that they're not done pining for or savoring memories of when they betrayed you. My WW had kept cards and letters unbeknownst to.me, when I found out, I suggested tha she should consider burning them in front of me..which she willingly did.You can never completely control.how your spouse thinks or acts, so the mind vignettes can only be suppressed by her/him if that is what they desire to do. However, the admission that they do masturbate to exciting moments with the AP is a sign of honest communication, which in itself is a good starting place.

I realize that I focused more on the other aspects of your question, and maybe not as directly to the issue itself.

I just want to say that I agree 100 percent with vocallion. While for some remorse has to come from actually seeing the damage they caused, once that happens in my book there is nothing positive to be remembered. To me there are no deeply gratifying moments of the affair because it was disgusting. Everything about it to me is disgusting. Early after dday I would have intrusive thoughts about the intimacy and would feel physically ill. Humiliated. Gross.

A out of people around here will talk about having fond memories of people they dated before marriage. I can honestly say I do have sweet memories of some of those past times. It pales in comparison to what I have with my husband, but I do not feel disgusted, nothing about those times are malignant to me. They were special things that happened during a different chapter of my life and they formed me as a person. There is nothing formative about an affair. Nothing to relish or look fondly on. And if the ws feels this way I do not think they are a good candidate for reconciliation. As I said earlier in the thread there is a lot of other stuff here that still may not make your husband reconciliation material. Though honesty is a good start.

I'm not sure if I was clear...he masturbated to these memories when the affair ended so hasn't for about 10 years now. I only found out in January so he never faced the reality of the pain this affair caused.

Evio,

I was responding to this, in your original post:

" He said he used the memories of the 2001 affair to masturbate after the affair because they were 'exciting' but says he hasn't done this for years now."

So I thought this was all "before" you.

If not, then I withdraw my response.

I only "think" about my wife, and then I think about the most recent time she seemed to have a good time.

If my WW told me that she still thought about him, now, I too would be devastated.

For two reasons:

One, that thinking of him does more for her than thinking of me (boy, would that light up some insecurities),

and, two, that she would tell me that, knowing how devastating it would be. Does she not care about me at all?

If she’s thinking of him, she should take it to the grave.

Hi evil-

Yea I totally got that which is why that was more my focus on my first answer. But my second answer was more generally agreeing with vocallion that it should be a different picture after remorse. I mostly came back to clarify because we have lots of lurkers who never post but want to get as much info as possible. Also in the case it was helpful for you to see a difference between headspace then and now.

Ah ok hiking out....I think sometimes I post here on a good day and I can post all the redeeming things my husband has done...on a bad day I can paint it completely differently.

The fact is...he cheated when times were tough and he should have communicated with me. It ended (the AP husband found out) and as far as I know (and I think it's true) he hasn't cheated since. That was nearly 13 years ago.

He has shown remorse, cried 50x more than I've ever seen him. Goes counselling. Done Everything around the house/with kids. Listened to me. Comforted me. Drove me to counselling. Admitted everything to his family. Read the books. Texts me constantly. Tells me where he is. Offers me space when I need it. Apologies constantly. Doesn't blame me. Looks for his reasons why.

There's not much more he can do.

It just hurts. So bloody much 😢

[This message edited by Evio at 7:12 PM, Thursday, May 1st]

I know, it’s a grieving process and will be for a long time. Hopefully he is prepared to continue to do what he needs to, but even if he does do not put pressure on yourself. You can still leave anytime you want, or stay if you want. But just settle in that it’s going to be a process for you to even get to a place where there is a solid path forward. Give yourself the grace and time you need.