SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Going on a little over a month of in house separation.

Ive been reading a bunch of books on infedelity and rebuilding trust, I feel like alot of the infedelity books are for when the affair just happened and that really doesnt apply to my situation because my affair was over 2 years ago at this point, but im trying to take what I can and apply it to our situation. We rug swept when it happened and I believe thats what led to the situation we are in now.

My BS said that she needs time and space to heal and find herself again. She's told me when she's ready that she'll come find me and give us another go. She's told me she loves me but she isnt in love with me and wants to work on being happy first.

I'll admit that I've been crying and bringing her my pain alot lately and I know thats selfish of me, as much pain as im in, its probably only like 1/4 of the pain she feels. So lately I've been trying to refrain from showing her my pain.

There's been a few weekends when she promised to come home and hang out with me but then she'd be gone all weekend. She assures me she doesn't want anyone else and hopes its us in the end but she can't promise it will be.

I know she's just hanging out with her friends getting drunk and im trying to be respectful and let her take all the time she needs.

Her broken promises about hanging out make me worry that she wont even give us a go again. And then I feel terrible for questioning that because im the one that was dishonest with her in the first place.

My birthday is coming up and she said she'd spend the day with me but then asked if id mind if she went out of town for a concert. After a few tears I told her to go. Im trying to not let it bother me but its sucks because I havent spent a birthday without her in the past 10 years.

We are still sexually active together, and she's let me sleep with her a handful of times.

I feel like the hardest part for me has been not having her to talk to, we were the couple that texted and told each other we made it when we went somewhere, emailed back and forth while at work, always called her on my way home and now the communication is definitely few and far between.

Ive asked what I can do for her to help her if anything, she says she just needs me to be strong and be the rock for her, she needs me to be her peace so im really trying to not bother her with my feelings and just take hers into account.

I know my affair was like pulling the rug out from underneath her. She questions herself about why she wasn't good enough when in reality it was me that wasn't good enough. I know she's question her worth, and why it had to happen to her. I know the pain im in doesnt even compare to how she feels.

I've been working in the yard alot lately and taking walks with my dogs, trying to take my mind off things but its really never far out of my mind.

Been doing the gratitude practices and been practicing being kinder to myself and trying to show myself grace. I know I messed up and broke us but im trying to remember that was me 2 years ago and while im definitely not the best version of myself yet, im trying to become better and I feel like to me that has to count for something.

Havent been drinking at all, also have decided to start taking better care of myself by eating healthier and exercising.

I guess im just wondering if anyone has had successful R after having a separation period?

[This message edited by Brokensoul007 at 7:13 PM, Monday, May 5th]

Yes, many couples separate and have gotten back together as part of their path to R.

while im definitely not the best version of myself yet, im trying to become better and I feel like to me that has to count for something.

I would like for you to examine this. Not because it’s bad or wrong but because we do try and be mirrors for each other in this forum.

When you read this back to yourself what does it sound like? Because to me it sounds like unless she returns there is no reward for working on your own growth. Try and maybe do a journal exercise about what rewards you hope to reap from working on yourself.

Another thing to consider, maybe this half in/half out thing isn’t working for you. I know it’s scary but have you considered maybe taking a true separation? The reason I ask is because I think the waiting and hoping is impeding your ability to focus on you and what you need. Going along to get along is kind of raking you over the coals here. A cleaner break maybe needed.

I understand you want to show her unwavering support and hoping to nice her back into a relationship. But as long as you stay open ended I fear it will really be a crutch she uses as she walks out the door.

I am not saying have some dramatic break up, but think about boundaries that might give you better stability and allow her some time for clarity.

I think if she was really willing to give this a shot, you would be remorseful and try to work hard for the relationship. Reconciling takes two people. I think you may have to take some space until she is really willing to give it a go. It’s better for you to focus on you, and allowing this to continue will damage the relationship. You need to love and respect yourself.

Yes she is in pain, but if she wants this much space it’s maybe better for it to be a cleaner space. I would absolutely tell her you love her and you want to be with her but this roller coaster of hope is impeding your ability to stabilize your emotions so you can make space for working on your own issues. I would tell her that you do not plan to see other people, it’s not about not being sure of her or your relationship. It’s more she seems to need freedom right now and you need to get a handle on you. This rejection over and over is not allowing you to heal the places you know need healed.

Self abandonment is the opposite of loving and respecting yourself. Yes, you caused her pain. But she is running from it and as long as she is in that mode this is just going to keep spiraling until it goes down the tubes.

I also think it may help her to see that you want to show respect and get respect which is healthy. She may decide she doesn’t want to separate and let her understand she can’t play it both ways. I am not sure that in itself isn’t wayward behavior on her part.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:10 PM, Monday, May 5th]