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I would strongly suggest the consequence/boundary of her dropping this foul "friend". I know you’ve said she can’t hang out there - not nearly enough imo. This other woman is poison! I’d demand she cut off all contact with this old hag.

Oh, c'mon... tell us how you really feel!

Bet you anything it’s because this witch has come to hate all men, and as such, you qualify for her vitriol.

I hadn't thought about that. You might be onto something there.

"This witch..." lol.

I hear you loud and clear, and that's probably sound advice, but I'm letting it slide. I know what they talk about and it's generally harmless, tho her "friend" doesn't seem to understand why I have an issue with my wife hanging out there anymore. One of these days perhaps I'll explain it to her in my own words...

It blows my mind that she's been cheated on and went along with my wife doing it without even any protest. Foul friend and witch indeed.

*Edit: fwiw the witch doesn't know, and has never actually met my WW's AP outside of seeing him when she shops at the store. It's just coincidence that he lives somewhat close to her. She apparently was a little hostile to him when she did see him on my wife's behalf, but whatever. She was fine with him before d day.

[This message edited by Pogre at 2:14 PM, Saturday, June 21st]

She was fine with him before d day.

One of the many crowd-sourced points of wisdom from victims of betrayal is to demand the adulterer to drop any friends that in any way supported the betrayal. Much more so for those who actively participated in the betrayal, as this "friend" did with you. Why would you want your wife to be under ANY kind of influence from this woman? She is NOT neutral towards your marriage. She (at least was) an active ENEMY of the marriage. What makes you think she’s now changed her tune? She doesn’t know you. Clearly has zero loyalty or even basic human decency toward you.

It’s your call of course, but you’re making a mistake on this one imo.

One of the many crowd-sourced points of wisdom from victims of betrayal is to demand the adulterer to drop any friends that in any way supported the betrayal. Much more so for those who actively participated in the betrayal, as this "friend" did with you. Why would you want your wife to be under ANY kind of influence from this woman? She is NOT neutral towards your marriage. She (at least was) an active ENEMY of the marriage. What makes you think she’s now changed her tune? She doesn’t know you. Clearly has zero loyalty or even basic human decency toward you.

It’s your call of course, but you’re making a mistake on this one imo.

I know you're right about the general wisdom. She has stopped going there, and isn't even trying to test that boundary. They don't talk much, and when they do I know what they talk about. She used to go there a few times a week before d day and hasn't been back since. I won't budge on that boundary either. I've made it abundantly clear how I feel about her being an enemy of our marriage, and I think my wife is slowly starting to see it that way, too. They don't talk often, and she's starting to come around to seeing she's not as good a friend as she once thought she was.

If this is a mistake then I'll find out, but I do think it's going to fade to the point where they'll eventually stop talking altogether. I'm not letting up on the pressure to just drop her altogether. She's been respecting every boundary and really going out of her way to try to demonstrate that she's a safe partner again.

There's one more wrinkle to this story right now, too, in that my wife's mother is currently in the hospital and not doing great. So I've been putting some of this stuff on the back burner for now. Speaking of whom... she's very close to her mother, and her mother knew about the affair while it was happening. She told my wife she was making a big mistake and that she needed to drop the affair and work on patching things up with me the whole time. However, she never told me or warned me about it either... I have some mixed... well, not so mixed feelings about her mother now. I appreciate that she tried to talk her daughter out of it, but I'm pretty upset that she never said anything to me about it. Her mother took a sort of "I don't blame you, he (me) drove you into his (AP) arms, but you need to stop" approach. What's the take on that? It's her mother. It's not like I can easily tell her she has to cut her own mother out of her life. Especially now that she's having medical issues and is in a pretty delicate state right now.

I haven't had words with her mother yet, and probably not anytime soon. At least until and if she gets back on her feet, but that one really stung. I've always gotten along pretty well with her mother. I know she did try to talk some sense into my wife, but I'm pretty pissed that she didn't come to me and say anything. Plus the "I don't blame you" bullshit...

To my wife's credit she says she disagrees with her mother she knows I didn't drive her into anyone else's arms. She's taken full responsibility for her shitty choices, but still... fuck.

Triggers suck!

In most cases, the best way to deal with triggers is to disarm them. This requires a bit of introspection. I would spend however much time it took to get to the root of the trigger, figure out why whatever it was that was triggering me, and then decide (as well as I could) whether or not that particular issue was really worth all of that time and energy.

Triggers are usually about past events and not things currently happening. It feels real, immediate, and often overwhelming, but it's not real.

Your WW put her bestie in a very, very difficult situation. Whatever failings this friend has is her problem, not yours. Did she make the best choices? Probably not. However, in those types of situations, there are no good choices. It's all bad. And for what it's worth, I doubt this friend could have talked your WW out of her affair. You can't reason a person out of something they didn't reason themselves into. In the end, even if prodded, she told you the truth, even if she suspected doing so would end the friendship.

I'd say the same is somewhat true with you MIL. She couldn't talk your WW out of the affair, either. As for her silence... well, parents, you know. Our kids are always (usually) our first priority.

This friend's house is just a place. It has only the significance you give to it.

It's great that your WW respects your wishes and has limited contact with her friend. Infidelity has consequences, no doubt about that. However, as I've learned from reading from plenty of wayward spouses, the price of reconciliation cannot be infinite.