SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my story, 3 days out of discovery. I am a cheater who betrayed his loving wife and destroyed her life and mine for nothing at all. We have been married for more than 10 years (we are both 40 years old), very happily, until this moment.

I am looking for feedback on how to help her cope, and any words of encouragement on whether this can be solved in the long term and reach reconciliation.

I feel sick to my stomach from what I did and have been reflecting on my actions since I did them.

I cheated on her with a Sex Worker in sort of an out-of-the-blue scenario. I had an erection and bad things boiling in my mind and I just googled something, went there, and did what I did in less than 2 minutes that would cost me and her a lifetime of pain. To make things worse I told her only when I thought I have an STD that I passed on to her. Of course I was protected in my actions but my own internal guilt mechanism made me feel STD symptoms. I was certain I got it, and passed it on to her, so I HAD to tell her. Otherwise I would have been still hiding it. Suffering from it, but at least not ruining her life. [I am STD clear, been tested]

It is never something I had done or considered doing. I was looking for sexual excitement and feeling somewhat frustrated from such a long period of being together, with novelties, and I was increasingly getting addicted to porn. I thought it is not the healthiest way of them all, but I had communicated these feelings openly with my wife and I knew that if I need another outlet for excitement it will be porn, because she is not feeling the same way.

We had an extremely loving relationship, no kids, good life in every sense, overcome a lot together, strong family ties, everything perfect to the tee except that little bit of excitement I could use in our sex life, which is just extremely marginal compared to all other aspects.

I have never been interested in any woman besides her, not before we met, nor during our relationship. I never as much as spoke to another woman. I never thought I’ll cheat. I never wanted to, even. If you’d survey anyone who knows us, this is the pitch perfect relationship with the least chances of anything of that sort happening.

She is the perfect woman who is not only loving and affectionate, she is a unique person that people are instantly drawn into. I am not saying this just because I love her dearly, I am saying this because it shows how evil were my actions knowing something like this would never ever come from her side.

As you’d expect she is completely shattered. Her faith in mankind is shattered, not just our relationship. She is too ashamed of it also because of the situation, and is isolated (although I try to encourage her not to).

I am extremely ashamed and remorseful and I feel her pain flowing through me. I could have lived to an extent with the idea I have done something terrible that cost me everything in life more than I can live with the idea I have done something that causes such irreparable suffering and damage. Until this point in life I have been an extremely dedicated husband, loving, caring, and generally open.

I am saying "generally open" because I have lied multiple times when it comes to my addictions which have probably contributed a great deal to the abyss that I’m in. I smoke(d) weed all day every day for decades now, have been gambling a lot more than I should, and have been a heavy porn consumer who has turned into a full-on addict at some point.

While these were hurtful lies which have probably normalized the idea within me that it’s OK to lie (we had huge fights upon discoveries but it was always still categorized in my mind under a self-harm, foolishly).

Prior to my nasty, evil, shameful actions, I have been dwelling into porn, and have been smoking weed even more than the usual including before and after my actions. I have been speaking to friends whose wives have a don’t ask don’t tell policy. I have been reading multiple surveys about various cultures where purely physical relationship which is not an ongoing affair is "acceptable".

And although I knew (to an extent) how damaging something like this would be to my wife, I have rationalized it with the above.

In my stupid feeble mind it was a "slipup" when it comes to just sex, nothing that extends into any relationship with anyone. Touch and go.

As soon as I did what I did not only I felt horrible and ashamed I also felt disgusted. I was kind of relieved by that feeling telling myself something along the lines "OK I got that thing out of my system and that experience would ensure I will never repeat it". As guilt started to break through the wall I built with intensive smoking and engaging in any other activity I could, I looked online and saw that the most popular opinion is "what’s the point if you are not going to repeat it, just unnecessary hurt". I went with this, also because I wanted. Not just because of altruistic reasons of not harming her, but also because I didn’t want this to have an impact on our beautiful relationship.

Since DDay it seems like I have followed the "recommendations" of coping without even knowing them. I do show incredible remorse, I cannot stop crying, I try to care for her even in this situation where she wants nothing to do with me, I don’t sugarcoat it, I don’t make excuses, I am seeking help to fix the underlying issues in my personality that have led me to this, and I am willing to go with any choice she would have about the relationship or otherwise.

But I don’t know what to do with her shame and her lack of willingness to share this with her support circle. She will not speak to a therapist as well. I of course did not offer marriage counseling because it is up to her whether she wants to attempt this at all. She is very depressed, barely eating, barely moving. I do try to speak to her so she is not alone.

I have concluded that some supporting factors that have led me to where I am are both weed and porn which I said right off the bat I will cut completely and utterly. I want to take therapy. I even offered to take shot that would curb down my sexual desire if that would make her trust me again, I am willing to give up that aspect of life altogether. I would love to build a timeline with a plan, I would love to do anything that is humanly possible to reassure her and gain trust of me again.

I was hopeful those scenarios would be ultimately easier to digest with less trauma and PTSD, because there was nothing emotional at all. There are no ties to cut. There is nothing here other than dark perverse sexual desire that have taken control of me. I know with certainty that this is not something I will ever repeat again in any way shape or form.

I know that something within me is highly broken which enabled me to dissociate from the most important thing in my life and throw my life away for something that was not pleasurable in any way or sense. Self-harm was always my thing I just thought I don’t have it in my to harm anyone else, let alone the person I love most.

Again not looking for empathy, I am a F’n creep. I just want to help her heal as much as possible. She wanting to as much as attempt to continue our relationship would be huge, but it’s up to her.

Thank you for reading. I apologise to all the people who have been betrayed and need to read this. I have spent 10 hours of reading testimonials now. I never knew the magnitude of impact. I never thought I’ll be involved in either side of a betrayal.

Hello, I just want to say that you have been heard.

I think it’s a good time to start digging to get to the bottom of your addictions. Self medicating, escapism, are symptoms of a larger issue. This can begin a new journey to a higher place of being. It will take time and concerted effort.

As for us it recoverable? Time will tell. Work hard on yourself, be there for her, and just do your best. Cheating is always a dealbreaker, it will take a lot of time and converted effort in order to rebuild a solid foundation both individually and for your relationship.

Most of the advice I give you may just not be in a state yet to digest it all. I would read Sue McDonald’s book on how to help your spouse heal from infidelity. Get into therapy if you are able to, and there is a good article about being a rebuilder amongst some others in the healing library to your left.

Keep posting, be honest, consistent, and prepare for a bumpy ride. But also know through your efforts you will learn to have better character, more peace, and better skills if you stay dedicated and that often does make a big difference in moving forward.

@hikingout I really appreciate this message. It is indeed time for me to go deep into my destructive behaviour. I have been to therapy and have some awareness but it was never this. I did not realize this is a possibility. I have bought "The Betrayal Bind" and am seeking therapy.

Hi there,

I saw your post last week and hesitated to respond, but I’ve felt compelled to come back and share my experience as a wayward spouse in hopes that it may offer some perspective. If you’d like more context, feel free to check out my earlier posts. That's something I’ve found really helpful when trying to understand someone’s story.

In short, I had an emotional affair with a friend/coworker that lasted about 2–3 weeks last summer and D-Day was in October. Before my own betrayal, though, I had discovered that my husband had been hiding his porn use from me. I want to be absolutely clear: my husband’s choices hurt me, but they do not excuse my affair. That was 100% on me. Still, I want to offer insight from both sides, being hurt and being the one who inflicted hurt.

When I discovered my husband’s hidden porn use, it started with a gut feeling which lead to some digging. I found credit card charges linked to cam sites, OnlyFans, and similar platforms. Up until that point porn had never been a concern and my husband had never given me any reason to doubt him. What hurt the most wasn’t just the content itself, but the ability these sites give you to have personal interactions like , private messaging or the ability to request custom videos. It all felt incredibly personal and intimate in a way that crossed my emotional boundaries. I was also painfully aware of how damaging that kind of content can be over time, especially for men who engage with it regularly. I knew that statistically, there’s a link between porn use and physical infidelity.

The hardest part for me was how it feed into my insecurities. I’ve always had areas of my body I felt self-conscious about, but after the discovery, it was like all my flaws were suddenly under a spotlight. I started comparing myself to the women on those sites, women I could never physically or sexually resemble. It has deeply affected how I see myself, even features I once liked have became sources of shame & disgust for me.

What helped me most during that time and were the things my husband did after I found out. He reassured me over and over again that I was beautiful, that what he did had nothing to do with my body, and that it was a compulsive bad habit that spiraled. He stayed open to every question I had no matter how many times I asked. He told me how the sites worked, how much time and money he spent, and what he had access to. He was deeply embarrassed and shameful, but continued to be transparent with me. And that transparency was deeply healing for me. Unfortunately, through a cluster of poor decisions I ended up betraying him (again not an excuse & certainly not saying your wife would do the same!!) just being honest about my own experience. I know the pain I caused him was a thousand times worse than what I had felt by his porn use, but both still caused damage to our marriage.

Your line "what I did in less than 2 minutes would cost me and her a lifetime of pain" hit me so hard. Like you, in just a short amount of time I created damage that will take a lifetime to fully process. If there's one thing I’ve learned, it’s that we can’t undo the past, but we can show up for the hard work of rebuilding. And that starts with honesty, transparency, and a willingness to change from the inside out. For me, that has meant swallowing my pride, having painful conversations, facing my own addictions and emotional wounds, and doing the deep personal work to become someone my husband and I can be proud of. He deserves the best version of me and I’ve learned that I do too.

I also want highlight what HikingOut said as well, you are in the earliest stages of discovery and it's going to take a while to digest it all. I would recommend reading posts here and asking for advice when you're struggling. HikingOut and many others here have given me advice has been such a gift! I highly recommend reading all the books you can. The book she mentioned was my first read and I’ve gone back to it three times now. Others I found helpful include:

-I Really Messed Up by Mark Savage
-Healing Your Spouse After Your Affair by Laura Redmond
-Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley

Individual counseling has also been life changing for both of us. It’s helped me work through a lot of shame related to my affair and now I'm understand myself in ways I never had before. My husband is tackling the trauma of my affair and all the areas he knows he needs to work on to be the best version of himself.

Some practical things that helped us early on:

-Giving full access to my phone, computer, social media, etc.- this is your chance to show you can hold yourself accountable to her boundaries & may slowly start to rebuild trust with your wife.

-Writing out a detailed timeline of my affair (you may not need this with only one encounter, but documenting the context: what you were doing before, during, after.) This could ease your wife’s spiraling thoughts about what you were doing during that time. And if the porn/online adult sites hurt your wife like they hurt me, please allow her to ask questions about that as well.

-Sharing my affair with a few trusted friends & family members. This was tough but it has allowed myself & my husband a support system that is rooting for us & a safe space when we go through rough times.

Most of all, be patient with yourself and even more patient with your wife. This is a really long, painful road. But if you commit to doing the hard work, it is possible to have something new & maybe stronger than before.
I promise all the hard work is beyond worth it for someone you truly love.

Wishing you endless strength and grace on your journey.