You're getting great advice, and you have a solid plan. I love the War Council and am going to borrow that concept.
On the kids, I'm disturbed that she unilaterally told your teenagers. That action is telling with respect to how she sees her relationship with you, but it's even more disturbing with the kids in mind. It seems impossible that her decision to tell the kids in this way was made with their best interest in mind. My gut tells me she was trying to get ahead of the narrative, or get them on their side, or achieve something that was ultimately about her. Not about the wellbeing of her children. The kids are not meant to be her emotional pawns, if that is what's happening.
I have older teens who know about their dad's infidelity, and I believe that in most cases, with older kids, it's best to be open. But there is a way of doing that which puts the kids' wellbeing first, and I don't feel as if your wife is ding that. And will it stop here, after OBS is aware and potentially the entire town (kids' teachers, friends, coaches, etc.) are aware? I'm sure you will be bending over backward to support your kids in a way that is authentic, without trashing your wife / their mother. But is she going to be able to do the same?
You might consider:
- A serious conversation with WW to express your views on this matter and to agree on ground rules for when / how / why to talk with your kids about the marriage and the affair
- Making IC available to your kids. They might not want it or need it, but it could go a long ways to helping them know that they have that option
- Engaging your kids' trusted adults. Could be a grandparent, a family friend, an aunt. Who are the people that the kids would trust talking to about how they're feeling and what's going on at home, if they don't feel ready to talk to you or WW? Do those people know what is going on, and if not, can you reach out to those trusted adults to say "I want you to know what is going on, and I'm counting on you to be a shoulder to lean on for the kids if they need to talk. Not to be in my court or their mom's court, but to be in the kids' court."
Wishing you luck with tonight / tomorrow!
[This message edited by Arnold01 at 9:25 PM, Friday, July 11th]