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I think this was a mistake. By telling her this (and telling her to tell him) you're putting them on the same team and reinforcing the notion that it's him and her against the world.

Yeah, that's very possible. If that's how it shakes out, so be it. I don't so much care what the end result is anymore. I really don't see any way to forgive or work through an 8-year affair, at least not with the modifiers on my situation.

I'm having lunch with three close female friends (all with experience as BS) in an hour and I'm getting the feeling it's going to be a War Council.

I'm actually feeling somewhat good today.

I like the War Council motif. Keep us updated. Believing one way or the other you will escape this nightmare, either by divorce or a true reconciliation that brings healing.

War Council went well. If nothing else, it was great to be around people who are on my side. Most of the planning was what we are all going to do if this turns into a huge scandal in my town. All of them have connections to my wife, AP, and OBS. Honestly it wouldn't surprise me if one of them leaks the affair info to OBS on her own--they were college roommates. General consensus of the council was see what goes down tonight with AP and OBS and proceed with message to OBS no matter what tomorrow morning. Then fasten safety belts and make sure trays are in upright positions.

In another update: My wife randomly chose to tell our children (both teens) about her affair. I was in another room when she began the confession, but I joined them. They seemed to not care all that much, and then went back to their videogames and friend chats. (I'm sure they need some time to process.) I'm not sure how to interpret her unilaterally choosing to reveal that to them. Is there an ulterior motive?

[This message edited by AllThatJazz at 6:01 PM, Friday, July 11th]

I have been lurking here a long long time. I have never seen support in the form of a de facto "war council" of former BSes. I am really glad for you that you have this. Some BSes don't have any kind of support network at all, and reach out to no one. This will really be helpful.

As for the unilateral decision to reveal to your children: this seems like she could be trying to control the narrative. At least, she wanted to control the timing. She probably didn't like that you were controlling when or even if the children were to be told...and took her agency back be doing so herself. The problem is that it AGAIN stole your agency. Maybe you didn't want them to be told. She should have at least discussed it with you. Another unilateral decision.

I've worked through a lot this week and am now seeing, through her reactions to all this, a much different person in the body of my wife.

Ironic that you just went to go see Superman. How is he "different" from other superheroes? The superhero isn’t his "costume". Clark Kent is! He is a super powered alien named Kal-El who pretends to be a normal human. Is this REALLY a different person in your wife’s body or have you been fooled by her "hypno-glasses" all along? I found out the lying, cheating, low-integrity person wasn’t an anomaly in my wife. It’s who she was (is) at her core.

As far as her unilaterally informing the kids, I would be concerned that is her (and AP) getting "ahead" of the disclosure to OBS to either "control the narrative" or make a "bold move" (we are in love and are leaving our families to be together).

Sorry you are dealing with all this…..

I have never seen support in the form of a de facto "war council" of former BSes.

I had a long deep meditation and realized I needed to surround myself with allies and identify my enemies. Most of my friends are women, and most have been cheated on. So it just kind of came about. I recommend the War Council to everybody! I have to say, it felt fantastic to have them there supporting me and plotting and planning. I had to back them off of a few ideas that were just a wee bit too radical or too revengy.

Is this REALLY a different person in your wife’s body or have you been fooled by her "hypno-glasses" all along?

Good point. How many times over the years have I joked about the Kent glasses disguise when in reality I had a Kryptonian (Ursa?) beside me wearing earrings as hers.

So sorry you're here. I know what you're going through and how you feel, tho my WW's affair was short lived and wasn't with a friend or anyone I knew. It was someone she worked with.

I really don't understand the hesitation to tell OBS. If my WW's AP were married that would have been one of the first things I did when I found out. Then again, like I said, I don't even know her AP so I'm not emotionally invested or friendly with him at all, so maybe that's a factor. In either case I think it would be cruel to keep the OBS in the dark, knowing how devastating affairs are. That said, I'm glad you made the decision to do it, and just wanted to say I'm with the rest in thinking it's the right thing to do. This isn't your fault. You didn't ask for this. Any fallout from it rests firmly on your WW's and her AP's shoulders. They're the ones who made these shitty choices and they're the ones who need to deal with the fallout from their actions. You should neverbe expected to keep their secrets.

I do think you should have just done it sooner yourself without giving your wife or her AP a chance to try to do damage control or even lie about it, but you've decided to do the right thing in the end, and your war counsel was pretty brilliant. I wish I'd have had that for myself. However this pans out I'm hoping the best for you.

I really don't understand the hesitation to tell OBS.

I get it. I should have probably added that I've been married before. It was not a BS/WS situation, but it was a beyond-horrible divorce. Every action I took, even actions I knew were right, made everything worse...so I'm a little hesitant to act until I have a good handle on how it will play out. I'm definitely not doing any "gut" reactions. I'm trying to be careful not to repeat the mistakes I made during the first divorce, in case this marriage ends that way too.

You're getting great advice, and you have a solid plan. I love the War Council and am going to borrow that concept.

On the kids, I'm disturbed that she unilaterally told your teenagers. That action is telling with respect to how she sees her relationship with you, but it's even more disturbing with the kids in mind. It seems impossible that her decision to tell the kids in this way was made with their best interest in mind. My gut tells me she was trying to get ahead of the narrative, or get them on their side, or achieve something that was ultimately about her. Not about the wellbeing of her children. The kids are not meant to be her emotional pawns, if that is what's happening.

I have older teens who know about their dad's infidelity, and I believe that in most cases, with older kids, it's best to be open. But there is a way of doing that which puts the kids' wellbeing first, and I don't feel as if your wife is ding that. And will it stop here, after OBS is aware and potentially the entire town (kids' teachers, friends, coaches, etc.) are aware? I'm sure you will be bending over backward to support your kids in a way that is authentic, without trashing your wife / their mother. But is she going to be able to do the same?

You might consider:

- A serious conversation with WW to express your views on this matter and to agree on ground rules for when / how / why to talk with your kids about the marriage and the affair

- Making IC available to your kids. They might not want it or need it, but it could go a long ways to helping them know that they have that option

- Engaging your kids' trusted adults. Could be a grandparent, a family friend, an aunt. Who are the people that the kids would trust talking to about how they're feeling and what's going on at home, if they don't feel ready to talk to you or WW? Do those people know what is going on, and if not, can you reach out to those trusted adults to say "I want you to know what is going on, and I'm counting on you to be a shoulder to lean on for the kids if they need to talk. Not to be in my court or their mom's court, but to be in the kids' court."

Wishing you luck with tonight / tomorrow!

[This message edited by Arnold01 at 9:25 PM, Friday, July 11th]

Thank you Arnold. So far the night is already stressful. I told her about the War Council. I’m being as upfront and open as possible with her. She flipped out. How can I tell people what happened? Literally again said I was betraying her. This is all just bouncing off now. To continue the Matrix theme, I feel like I’m close to (or at) the point where he sees the world as code at the end.

She stormed out and is apparently shopping. I think this is just her being a caged animal knowing that the end is nigh and the truth is outing. I will be understanding in this. This will be the hardest time of her life. Have Mercy on the Criminal.

The kid thing? Yeah, I don’t know how I feel about that. Could be getting ahead of the narrative. Could be impulse reaction to whatever dark thoughts were going through her head that second. I was there, so she didn’t say anything that was misleading. She did a good job of it without throwing in unnecessary info.

She’s not really a think-first, act-second person, if you can’t tell. The kids really don’t seem affected yet. Laughing and joking around, no discernible changes in their behavior.

[This message edited by AllThatJazz at 11:13 PM, Friday, July 11th]