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I found out 2 weeks ago my wife of almost 30years had an affair 14 years ago. She worked at our church and it was with the so called pastor. It was kissing,touching and oral like it really makes a difference. It lasted 5 months. I found out by asking if she ever cheated last week because she lost a bunch of weight after surgery and is smoking hot. Of course I was reading about it and in one article it said a certain percentage of people cheat after weight loss surgery. So I asked and at first she said just a kiss and I said was that all. And then she came clean. It took me a few times asking who. And finally she told me. She told me she had an inappropriate dream about him and went in to tell him she couldn't work there anymore. He reassured her it was normal and not to worry. In my mind that was an opportunity for him to start a plan. So she went on working and they started to flirt and she needed a friend because I at the time was a total dick. I had anger issues not very nice and not pleasant to be around. But I never laid a finger on her or stepped out of marriage. I had multiple chances to but stayed faithful. So one thing led to another. And one day the met in a doorway and kissed. And from then they messed around for 5 months and never had 'sex' but did the touching and oral on each other. After this all came out I was devastated and angry. I gave it a few hours and couldn't take it anymore. I messaged him telling him I know everything and I'm going to message your wife. I did message his wife. After a while I get a phone call from him and his wife. I told him I didn't want to talk to him only his wife. We talked and she just found out when I messaged her and he still said it was only a few times. But eventually he came clean. I was still furious and I told him I was going to beat his ass. His wife begged me not to. I told him we can meet up or I'm coming on Sunday morning. He agreed to meet up. I haven't met him yet. And don't know if I want to. Im not the same hateful person I was 14years ago and neither is she. I have become the husband she has always wanted in those years. We are working on our relationship my wife and I but I needed to vent and ask a few questions. Does it get better? Right now my mind is playing images of them together. Im hurt. Does the anger go away? Would it make me feel better to just beat his ass? Did anyone else start comparing themselves to the person that there spouse cheated with? Like "was he better at certain things was he bigger than me it just stuff like this eats at me" she has been up front and honest and answered all my questions even if they hurt to know. She said I was better and more than him it was mostly i wasn't a friend i wasn't there emotionally. And that hurts and makes me feel it was all my fault. Is it helpful to know all the details of the affair? I asked a few and it stung. We are going to get counseling. But not sure how this all works for being so long ago. Or should I just let it go because it was so long ago. Im just confused and angry

Sorry you are here. Everything you are feeling is normal. The anger does eventually go away. I don't think beating the pastor's ass will make you feel better.

Most likely, you are still being trickle truthed.

5 months of oral without sex?

Sure, holds water. Timeline and polygraph to confirm is the fastest way out of trickle truth.

Would it make me feel better to just beat his ass?

Maybe. But I doubt sitting in a jail cell is going to help matters. He sounds like the kind of asshole who would hit his head on the curb after one punch and die on you.

It was kissing,touching and oral

Yeah, likely this is trickle truth. Once the kissing barrier is crossed they usually go all the way. Tell her to write out a timeline of her affair to include any other inappropriate behavior since you’ve been a couple. If you’re not sure what detail level you want she can do one X rated and one R rated. When she’s done tell her it will be verified by polygraph and ask her if she needs to make any changes. Even if she adds more information follow through on the poly.

it was mostly i wasn't a friend i wasn't there emotionally.

She’s blame shifting. She had plenty of options to deal with this, up to and including divorce. She chose to cheat. That’s 100% on her.

We are going to get counseling

You should both get individual counseling. You with someone who deals with betrayal trauma and her with someone experienced with infidelity and the trauma it causes. Marriage counseling is for down the road. It will be useless while she’s not taking full accountability. All counselors should be vetted for their views on infidelity.

Or should I just let it go because it was so long ago.

Rugsweeping won’t work. It just keeps you stuck in infidelity.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 5:36 PM, Tuesday, July 22nd]

I think telling everyone in his congregation would feel better than an ass beating. Something similar happened here and the pastor was out on his ass pretty quickly.

SH

Don't beat his ....

Interview him record his confession everything then expose him to everyone in his life that matters.

He needs to be defrocked OM has no business being a pastor, the highest likelihood is he did this multiple times.

OM has betrayed the trust and authority he was given.

In your interview offer OM a chance for peace have him take a polygraph if there are others WWs tell the betrayed husbands and they can do the proxy dirty deed

Most BHs think about a beat down I can't tell you some of my plans for OM1 & OM2, I did go to OM3 funeral to size up his family though

The other reason for interviewing OM is to compare what he says to what your WW says

The reason I believe them is she even told me she wanted to have sex and he did not. It was also confirmed by his wife telling me the same story and there was no way they could have communicated in such a short period of time due to me being with my wife the whole few hours before his wife called me. Plus him and his wife was driving back from Florida when I messaged them both and when I got the call. And about me beating his ass he said I deserve to give him a beating. Still don't know if I could see him without hurting him severely.

Also his wife and I talk daily. We keep tabs on things and ask the same questions to see if anything changes. Is it weird to talk daily with his wife?

Excellent action exposing to his wife! Sharing information with her will help you.

Accept no blame for her cheating. It doesnt matter how big a dick you were at the time. You could have been the perfect partner and she still would have cheated. She cheated because of her own brokenness not because of anything you did.

Dont rugsweep. You both need IC.

Good luck.

I really do want to show up on a Sunday morning with a megaphone telling everyone what he did. But I don't want to ruin his wife. She is hurting like i am. we talk a lot and I don't want to hurt her at all. Now him on the other hand. I didn't say my wife was blame shifting. That is how I was. I asked her why she cheated. And that was the answers. She did put up with a lot. Im still not giving her an excuse.but I'll say the last 12 years has been wonderful. We were closer than ever before we were best friends had amazing experiences and made great memories. Now this after all those years is just devastating. I've literally never had this kind of pain. And I've watched both my parents die. This is definitely worse. Is there any pod cast, YouTube videos or books to help? I truly appreciate all the feedback it feels better to be able to vent. Thanks everyone

The reason I believe them is she even told me she wanted to have sex and he did not. It was also confirmed by his wife telling me the same story and there was no way they could have communicated in such a short period of time

Independently interrogated and saying the same thing they’re probably telling the truth. Still possible they agreed what the story would be if they got busted 14 years ago and are falling back on that. You know her best, if you have the least doubt demand a polygraph.

She should write a timeline in any case. It will help her face up to the many betrayals, small and epically large, that were necessary to pursue her affair.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're here. Although this was 14 years ago for your WW (wayward wife), it is recent for you. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some other posts that aren't pinned that are helpful and have bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great resources. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for those who found out years later.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. It does get better, but it takes longer than any of us would like.

They absolutely had sex. And lots of it. If it makes you feel better to believe what you want to believe because of where you currently hold your wife in your estimation then fine but..

She had a dream, she told him and what did he do with that information?

And he supposedly only stopped it at oral? 5 times, when she was begging for it?

OK.

[This message edited by Tren0R201 at 11:09 PM, Tuesday, July 22nd]

1 hour drive and $500 dollars later this morning just to find out she told the truth. And I had a lot of questions. She has been 100 percent faithful since the affair stopped 14 years ago. Even asked if she had any emotional affairs and she has not. I asked if she regretted it and she did. Im thankful the technician allowed me to write down extra questions i had.

On a side note trenOR201

How can you come on here when people are hurting and be such an ass? You were 100percent wrong. You add zero helpful advice and only show your own hurt with ignorance. I hope you get the help you desperately need.

SH,

On thing You can do, perhaps should do about OM is report him to the Church authorities at the least force him to make a confession in front of the congregation.

It's not uncommon for preachers to become predators as they are in positions of trust and respect.

If om has done this to other families it is a larger and more serious matter.

In some ways from what you wrote it's the preacher who needs to take a polygraph more so than your WW.

I would like to turn him in but it would also destroy his wife. I talk to her almost every day. She had nothing to do with it. And doesn't deserve anymore pain.