SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all I haven't posted for a while (please see my other posts in this forum if you can) I need an offload and update sorry if this is long.

Short version of my situation : husband potentially emotionally cheating with work colleague and loads of disrespect and gaslighting. Said work colleague all over him.

So since I last posted (may time) we went on holiday things were "ok" up until June and I really tried to work on things and trust him.. but things went downhill again... he has been awfully moody, and still the phone activity continues with the group chat and potentially messaging this woman who is throwing herself at him and despite me saying i dont like it it continues and gets worse (read on)

Then about a month ago the mentionitis started again literally bringing her name up in situations that aren't even relevant despite knowing i don't like her.

We had a huge argument around the 9th July over that and other things. The stress and tension at home was awful and he walked out and stayed at a friend's air bnb for 2 nights. During the blow up I got called a paranoid bitch, jealous, awful angry behaviour off him about how i don't trust him . Gaslighting. He didn't tell me where he had gone at the time and i was devastated.

We spent a few days apart and he stayed at his mums for an extra 2 nights. I have proof of where he stayed and was in touch with his mum at the time so all verified since.

He came back and we have tried to work on things and he has apologised for his behaviour. He gave me the code to his phone. but In the back of my mind there's still something nagging and I've found some things out.

I've recently found out via looking briefly at his phone, that he has whatsapp chat lock with this womans conversations, specifically only with her only. She also rang him on the evening of the day that he walked out here. Only for a minute but its in the call log.

The chat lock is a new feature on whatsapp which gives extra privacy and he has secured it also with fingerprint.

My head is totally all over the place. Something is very wrong here.

1.I darent confront him as he will know I've been looking. He has a temper and can get aggressive. He dosent know i know. He probably thinks i will look for her in his inbox and if chat lock is on its all completely hidden. He wont think i clicked on her as a contact and found out that way. You go into the whatsapp contacts list, click on her and it says "locked". And fingerprint is needed to look. He isn't clever enough to think i would do this

2. If she's "just a friend" as hes so defensively said, then she should be in his normal inbox not stashed away hidden and locked convo. Any convos from her should be in his normal inbox if nothing to hide. Its all so deceitful and secretive. No other contact convos are locked, only hers. Its all guilty behaviour

3. Why did she ring him on the evening he had walked out from here. Even if it was a quick call, why?? What was it for on the day he walked on me?? Is she making sure hes ok because hes telling her everything?

From what I've seen hes not rung her, only the chat lock situation. He's also loving her photos on Facebook. Again, why. I can see her public profile pics and the last 2 he has "loved" not just a "like"

4. I logged down her number and added her as a contact so can see her whatsapp profile photo- let's just say its extremely provocative sexually

There's something potentially emotionally going on isn't there, I've been right all along the problem is I have no proof, only what he is doing. The anger and defensive behaviour is a red flag from him too. There's been other things aswell leading up to all this. My intuition is beaming on it i just know something isn't right.

My mum trying to help has suggested he could have hidden the chat with her so he dosent "feel guilty" for having her as a friend chatting or if im borrowing his phone she wont pop up in his inbox and i wont get at him over it.

Unfortunately I don't think its this. The fact hes gone to the extreme of locking the chat to her, hiding it AND adding fingerprint protection is beyond extreme.

My head is a total and utter mess now. There's no other reason for it all. My guess is something is going on in messages sexually and emotionally. I just don't know what to do.

We are going through a horrendous time with my child at the moment with severe mental health issues and I've got all this on my mind. Im just so drained from it all. I just know its not right. He must think im stupid.i feel like messaging the ow telling her to back off and im aware of things but i know this is the worst thing I could do right now. I hate that she's probably getting a kick out of getting attention off my husband thinking im unaware. I hate it!!!!! I hate thinking that she's thinking "if only she knew " or words to that affect.

Im just so torn right now.

[This message edited by Bluefairy at 10:04 AM, Saturday, August 2nd]

I have one question for you. Do you want to continue living in this pain?

The reason for this site is for people to find their way out of infidelity. You can keep your head down and do nothing, but that is not true surviving. You can be proactive and look at your choices. One is do nothing. One is to quietly make a contingency plan, which should include a lawyer and financial knowledge. One is to confront and watch yourself be gaslit. My opinion…you need to make a plan. Because living with this stress takes a huge toll on your health.

There are many definitions of infidelity, but around here a common one is to look at the actions and would the person do them in front of their spouse. If not, then it is not appropriate. Secret friendships fall into the category as do locked chats.

If understood, or was trying to understand, the damage he has caused then he would have gone NC with the AP. He did the opposite. He is taking it underground. Is it an EA or PA — does that matter? What matters is he is still hiding it. And his temper is part of his manipulation and gaslighting. He knows you won’t confront him b/c you are fearful. That benefits him.

As the others have said,, what do you want? He isn’t going to change. He doesn’t want to change. So what will you do?

I agree you should see a lawyer or three to understand what D might look like. Knowledge is power and disarms fear. Start getting your ducks in a row so you will know you can D or R or stay married - but from a position of strength.. Meanwhile, focus on you and your health. Do the 180 on him and focus on YOU.

I’m sorry he is not doing the work. You deserve better.

An affair is an affair, emotional or physical, both destroy the trust in a relationship. The fact he has things hidden on his phone and locked away tells you everything you need to know. If he gets defensive when you question him on this to me is a clear sign of guilt.

Cheaters have a pattern when confronted. They try to Gaslight they try to minimize they try to reverse victim & offender.

It's not an odd coincidence that she called him the night he left home.

It's not an odd coincidence that she called him the night he left home

Agreed. Shady behavior.

He is hiding the conversation with her because an affair starts with secrecy.

This may sound stupid BUT it has really helped me get a broader perspective of my personal situation.

I explained to chat gpt your situation as you were a friend of mine that needed advice and here is what it said

You’re absolutely right to want to support your friend with the right kind of advice — this is a very difficult and emotionally exhausting situation, especially with the added layer of parenting a child with severe mental health issues. Here’s how you can approach offering guidance, broken down into emotional support, practical next steps, and what not to do:

⸻

💬 How to Support Her Emotionally

Start with validation. She’s not crazy, paranoid, or overreacting. What she’s describing — hidden, locked chats with only one woman, loving her Facebook photos, anger, gaslighting, walking out, secretive behavior — all point to serious boundary violations at best and emotional infidelity at worst.

You might say:

"First, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You’re not imagining things — his behavior is deceptive and inappropriate, and your intuition seems spot-on. You’ve been incredibly strong holding all of this together while also trying to care for your child."

⸻

✅ What to Encourage Her to Do

1. Keep documenting.
She’s already doing a good job of noticing patterns, documenting calls, chat locks, behavior, etc. Tell her to keep quietly doing that if it feels emotionally safe. This could be important later.

2. Do not confront him yet — especially if he has a temper.
She’s already flagged that he can get aggressive. Her safety (and emotional safety) comes first. Encourage her to:
•Speak to a therapist or counselor to help her process and plan.
•Consider contacting a domestic abuse helpline if she ever feels unsafe.

3. Start preparing emotionally and practically.
This doesn’t mean she must leave him right now, but preparing might include:
•Looking into legal rights (especially around housing, finances, custody, if applicable).
•Getting a private counselor or therapist just for herself (not couples therapy at this point — it could backfire when there’s deception and possible abuse).
•Building a support system — someone who knows the truth, maybe a friend, sister, or professional.

4. Don’t message the other woman.
As tempting as it is, it shifts the focus away from the real problem: him. The other woman owes her nothing. He’s the one who’s made the commitment and is violating it. Messaging the OW could also backfire and give him ammo to blame her for "drama."

Instead, help her redirect the anger:

"It’s totally normal to want to lash out, but if you message her, it might give him a reason to turn this around on you. It’s not worth giving them that power."

⸻

🚩 Big Red Flags to Name for Her

Sometimes people need help seeing things clearly. You can gently point out:
•The secrecy — locking a chat and hiding it with fingerprint access? That’s deliberate deception, not innocent chatting.
•The gaslighting — calling her paranoid, making her doubt herself, exploding in anger when questioned.
•The emotional manipulation — disappearing, refusing to communicate, then coming back and apologizing without changing anything.

⸻

🧠 What She Can Ask Herself

If she starts doubting again (which happens a lot), these questions might help her stay grounded:
•Would I ever treat someone I love the way he’s treating me?
•If my friend told me this same story, what would I say to her?
•Am I feeling more calm and secure with him — or more anxious, hurt, and confused?

⸻

🌱 Final Words of Support You Can Offer

Let her know:

"You’re not crazy — you’re being emotionally and mentally worn down. You don’t have to make a big decision today, but you do deserve clarity, respect, and peace. Whatever you decide in time, you have every right to put your well-being and your child’s well-being first."

⸻

If you’d like, I can help you write a message or response you could send her directly — supportive, empathetic, and empowering. Just let me know.