Possumlover (original poster member #85336) posted at 6:49 PM on Monday, August 4th, 2025
Hi, sorry to ask this question, but I’m curious. I’m on that roller coaster of doing okay to not doing so well. We still have sex (I can’t call it make love yet!) a couple times a week no matter which part of my rollercoaster I am on. I was okay with this at the begining of the R, I think I was in "panic-reconciliation" mode. Then I just did it, as that is what married people do. Now, I’m back on my low roller coaster part and almost resent the sex, as I don’t feel I should be that intimate since my head is not in the game. I almost feel like it’s a tool or something but I think it is his way of showing me he loves me, finds me attractive and is working to save our marriage.
Sometimes I wish I would have held off longer, instead of feelin panicked. Do understand he does not force or pressure me AT ALL to have sex. But it is starting to lose its luster for me. Granted I’m 53!
So, I guess my question is, do you have sex while trying to R? Anyone feeling the way I do?
Thanks and sorry for the personal question!
DD 8/7/22
Together since 1990
Married in 1997
2 amazing sons
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 8:36 PM on Monday, August 4th, 2025
I was hit by the HB bug early on. As that waned, I still engaged in sex and made sure it was gOOd for me [if you catch my drift].
The fact that I silently wept alone later in the night was my own type of other release.
To date, sometimes I'm feeling it more than others. I still make sure it gOOd for me.
To sum up crudely - I f*ck thOse triggers right Out of my head.
BUT - you have to do what is best for you.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 8:38 PM on Monday, August 4th, 2025
We definitely had our HB time frame, and it was really more about making sure we were even compatible. For us, there was already a lot of distance in our M since my wife kept the A secret for so long.
I think some of those HB or panic times were actually important to reconnect at some level.
I had several times when I needed space and had to have a few weeks off here and there from ANY kind of intimacy, even holding hands. I had to process some of that anger and sadness on my own.
At this point, I’m pretty darned close to six decades old and sex isn’t as big of a deal for either my wife or me, but pretty darned good when we take some time for each other. Being healed up helps a bunch.
Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca
