SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am around 20 months post DDay and I am struggling.
I felt okay for a while. It's only been since January that my WS started making changes and putting in any real work. He goes to NA regularly, has a kind of therapy through that, has been clean since end of December and appears to be making real effort in all areas. Now that he's feeling a little more stable and good, he's started venturing back out into things he enjoys like the area of work that used to take him away (Where his ONS happened) and social things with his NA group. I still have access to all devices and location, etc., and he's still very open with me about everything. I recently raised concerns about a friendship with a female at NA and he talked about it maturely rather than going on the defensive and said he understood. These all seem like great things and I did feel okay for a while there, but now I'm back 'I don't think I can do this anymore'.

I'm so scared of what separation would mean. Financially, I'd be fine. I'd be able to stay in my home, none of that side concerns me. It's the emotional and mental aspects of it that absolutely terrify me. I used to be okay being on my own as he was away a lot for work anyway but now that thought scares me. I'm not scared of being alone in that I thing I'll be lonely because I generally prefer time by myself anyway, but I'm scared of doing things on my own, like the practicality of it all, and I'm scared about how he would cope with separation, as I don't think he'd take it well.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. Maybe too much has happened and it's all too little too late? Or maybe this is just another phase I'm going through in this process.

How did you make your final decision to separate? Especially if they really were putting in the work and making an effort to change? And was it all as scary as you thought it would be?

Well, my XWH didn't do the work and we are D. I wasn't able to keep the house, so now I'm renting. I needed about 6 months to get more financially stable, and ended up driving for DoorDash to help me get through.

I had some of the same fears that you are facing. There's a thread at the top of the forum called Fear vs Reality that you may want to read.

You know what? I was able to make the space mine. No more drama from XWH and dealing with his antics, I can watch what I want on TV, go where & when I choose. It's been so peaceful. For me, D was the best thing for my situation and I should have left a long time before I did.

Maybe make a list of what you fear. Are you already doing those things anyway? How many of them can you outsource? I used to stress about watering indoor plants and had several die. Now, I buy fake flowers for permanent things and buy a bouquet when I want fresh.

some things are still scary, but nothing has been too much. I watch YouTube videos, join groups on Facebook for handy women, ask my friends for help or advise, and hire what I cannot due. I bought a small house because I knew I couldn’t handle my 3 acres I had before. And I love it.

Most of the things I was afraid of have not been nearly as difficult as I feared. And I LOVE my peace.

Are you in IC? That helped me name my fears and look at them logically and dissect them.