SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Was the voice a man who was with her?

Or just someone nearby?

It doesn’t matter.

The point is this: you immediately suspected the worst. Of course you did. And that’s her fault, not yours.

But this is the way your life is going to be with her. Every time she goes somewhere alone, every time she’s late from work, every time her phone chimes, you’re going to be miserable, stomach churning.

The trust is gone. She regrets ever marrying you. How will you ever restore the trust.

It’s no way to live.

Best wishes.

In those moments (and there have been a few over the last year) I just want out. But later when she’s near me, and after I see her vulnerable and crying in front of our son, I just want to help fix whatever the problem is.

Have you considered whether you suffer from "white knight syndrome" in your IC? I was there for many years, so I get it. Such behavior is in reality harmful to the *both* of you.

There’s no trust and, without it, no true love — trust is the foundation of love. It’s unfortunate that it’s been lost, and there can be no future together unless you both make the effort to rebuild it.

Seems like I rewatch this video every other day looking for clues or evidence of its authenticity. Is the voice really just some random dude at a public park, or is it my wife’s secret lover? I’m about 80/20 that it’s the latter.

I made my own video today, whispering the same words as the voice on the video. I was holding the phone with my mouth about 1 foot away. To my ears the tone and proximity appear almost identical.

Then I searched her phone records for the first time in about 8 months. I didn’t expect to see much there, and I didn’t. But of the few texts and calls she received there were a lot of anonymous voip numbers.

This is how I originally caught her the first time, the phone records. Since then, she rarely if ever makes calls out or texts someone. Her current records are about 95% incoming.

I don’t know if maybe she has a cloud based way to text and take phone calls now. It’s been a long time since my mind was telling me to find out. And I just don’t want to have to do that. I just want whatever the truth is to surface fully so I can have no doubts about what I need to do.

What’s weird to me is that she consistently lets me down on a daily basis. And yet, I can’t bring myself to leave (for the reasons I have already expressed above).

I’m convinced that she doesn’t want to be married to me, she just hasn’t found a better alternative yet. I’m equally convinced that she doesn’t like it when I’m happy or I feel safe in the relationship. Because every time that happens, she does something says something that makes the train feel like it’s about to go off the tracks. It’s like she can sense when I’m at peace, and she rocks the boat just enough for me to grab onto the sides.

Today was the first day of her new job. This really should’ve been a huge step forward for us. But that deer video haunts me. It makes me so cynical, I can’t let it go.

Oh yeah, and WW still hasn’t scheduled a MC.

A cup dropped in the desert, stays in the desert.

You are the cup.

Good luck.

Has she done anything since you heard the voice on the recording to reassure you? Has she stopped her 4 hour "solo" hikes and spent more time with you? Has she done anything to show you a commitment to helping you trust her again?

When you decide you deserve better you will move forward.

Until then, the fact she had but made a MC appointment speaks volumes.

Please make YOU the priority in your life. When you stop caring what someone else does you will start to move out from under the rock you are living under.

If you feel she really doesn’t care about you I hope you recognize you are her safety net and she’s using you for financial support and/or security.

To that I say. "Oh hell no!"

RFV3311, no she hasn’t done anything. She did say "I’ll stop going on nature walks." But then the next day said, out of no where, "I’ll just be forced to sit here in the house and fester."

She just got home from her first day of work at her new job. She was crying, "I think I made a huge mistake" taking this new job. I tried to listen to her. I tried to be positive without trying to solve her problems. I was not very effective.

An hour later she’s back out the door to a local political meeting that "she doesn’t want to go to."

Takeaways from tonight:
1. She doesn’t give a shit how my day went.
2. She doesn’t want to spent time with me.
3. This is just another day of my life, it’s nothing new.

Funny thing about this last weekend. She was overwhelmed because "we had so much we were supposed to do each day."

One way to look at it might have been, we had so much to do, someone couldn’t take a 4 hour walk in the woods.

So she looked at next weekend to see what that was like. And guess what? We had too much scheduled for that weekend too! So she says just very bluntly, "we can’t go apple picking next week. I’m sorry, it’s just too much."

Which is odd because we just put that on our calendar, and she agreed to it. Even said "it’s a date". And it’s really significant because she’s wanted to go apple picking with me for years. And over the last four years I’ve tried to get her to go with me and she’s always found a reason not to go. This year I started trying early in the apple picking season. But now it’s not even important enough to reschedule, just "we can’t do it."

It will be super interesting to see if she uses that time to go back out into the woods.

@The1stwife

I definitely feel like the nice kid in high school that gets shit on by a girl that will never like him.

But I’m not actually that guy. I’ve been married to her for 23 years. She asked me to marry her. She had my four kids. And for 20+ years she was an amazing wife and mother.

It’s not that I don’t know what’s best for me right now. I should be divorced and have like 10 girlfriends that just like spending time casually with me. There’s more to consider though. I’m trying not to make anymore mistakes I will regret later and will never be able to change.

She could’ve invited me to this meeting tonight. But instead she just gave me a kiss, said goodbye and walked out the door.

It’s insane how fucking jacked up my life is right now.

Next time you check her phone check which apps are being used the most and using the most network

Most Used Apps (Screen Time)
1. Open Settings > Screen Time.
2. Tap See All Activity.
3. View daily/weekly app usage list, sorted by time spent.

Most Network Usage (Cellular Data)
1. Open Settings > Cellular.
2. Scroll to Cellular Data section.
3. View app list sorted by data used (GB/MB).

@sharkman

This will undoubtedly reveal that she is on Instagram, endlessly scrolling through memes and videos.

She uses Instagram messenger, but I really have no vision into that (or Facebook Messenger).

But yes, (and thank you) I should probably do this again. But I doubt I will. I really don’t like snooping. I know there’s a good reason, believe me, I think about hiring a PI all the time.

It just feels like if I have to snoop it doesn’t matter what I find out, the relationship is shit regardless.

I went through this hell during my "Reconciliation-Remaining Married".

After D-Day my mind went through a schism of sorts. Half of me wanted to cut and run and the other half wanted things to return to "normal".

The whole time we were trying to reconcile, I was desperately searching for reasons to reconcile while simultaneously searching for reasons to divorce. It was maddening.

We are so incredibly traumatized by infidelity, that it is counterintuitive, counter instinctive, counter to every fiber of our innate being to remain with our assailant. It goes wholly against our primal fight or flight reflex. It’s more than a lack of trust, it’s more than just bracing for the next assault, it’s more like you WANT it to happen, sooner than later, to give you the impetus to definitively take flight because…you can’t FIGHT for the marriage, that’s not your job, that’s her job. Your job, as the BS, is to just sit there, with all that adrenaline coursing through your veins, just sit there and read books, go to IC, post in SI, hit the gym, and try not to sabotage the process.

On top of all that, adrenaline is the most addictive hormone-neurotransmitter in the body, and on D-Day you probably got the largest and most sustained dose of adrenaline you’ve ever experienced. You are now a PTSD adrenaline junkie. You’re hypervigilant, hyperarroused, and probably hyper-interested with anything infidelity related. You might find yourself pain seeking, and you’re probably desperately seeking your next hit of adrenaline via discovery of new indiscretions.

Watch out for this. It’s natural to want to run. It’s not natural to reconcile. Reconciliation requires a higher order of thinking and effort that transcends our primal instincts and, that’s really f-ing hard, especially when she isn’t making the effort.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:59 AM, Tuesday, September 9th]

I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. I really felt it when you said "If I won the lottery, I would divorce immediately" because I feel the same way.

My situation is similar with kids and finances.

She uses Instagram messenger, but I really have no vision into that (or Facebook Messenger).

Why is she allowed to have covert messaging apps? This should have been a condition for R. Why hasn’t she proactively ceased using these apps as part of her proposal for reconciliation?

In the wake of her affair, and as part of a remorseful proposal for reconciliation, for a second chance, she should have proactively taken steps to ensure full transparency, even stop unnecessary social media activity.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:47 AM, Tuesday, September 9th]

I went through this hell during my "Reconciliation-Remaining Married".

After D-Day my mind went through a schism of sorts. Half of me wanted to cut and run and the other half wanted things to return to "normal".

The whole time we were trying to reconcile, I was desperately searching for reasons to reconcile while simultaneously searching for reasons to divorce. It was maddening.

We are so incredibly traumatized by infidelity, that it is counterintuitive, counter instinctive, counter to every fiber of our innate being to remain with our assailant. It goes wholly against our primal fight or flight reflex. It’s more than a lack of trust, it’s more than just bracing for the next assault, it’s more like you WANT it to happen, sooner than later, to give you the impetus to definitively take flight because…you can’t FIGHT for the marriage, that’s not your job, that’s her job. Your job, as the BS, is to just sit there, with all that adrenaline coursing through your veins, just sit there and read books, go to IC, post in SI, hit the gym, and try not to sabotage the process.

On top of all that, adrenaline is the most addictive hormone-neurotransmitter in the body, and on D-Day you probably got the largest and most sustained dose of adrenaline you’ve ever experienced. You are now a PTSD adrenaline junkie. You’re hypervigilant, hyperarroused, and probably hyper-interested with anything infidelity related. You might find yourself pain seeking, and you’re probably desperately seeking your next hit of adrenaline via discovery of new indiscretions.

Watch out for this. It’s natural to want to run. It’s not natural to reconcile. Reconciliation requires a higher order of thinking and effort that transcends our primal instincts and, that’s really f-ing hard, especially when she isn’t making the effort.

This is exactly how I feel on so many levels. Thank you for posting this, it’s helpful to know I’m not the only one.

4char, pretty sure my life echoes yours, maybe several years down the road.

Financially it will be a huge burden to support my (previously stay at home) husband who cheated on me a decade ago. Alimony is a bitch, and to be honest- at times it is unjust.

It’s ok to quit internally and make your own life again, if you can. She’s insensitive, and this is the problem. Her lack of empathy made her affair possible. And it continues to be obvious that she is a human who lacks empathy.

Stop seeking healing from her. Just admit you have a marriage of convenience. So make it convenient for you. I’m not saying it’s bad. Lots of us choose to live this way.

Perhaps at this moment, it’s not the right time to divorce for whatever reason. And clearly it’s also not the right time to invest in your spouse, either. So hold onto your own eggs, don’t put them in any basket other than your own.

If and when the time is right, you’ll decide to leave. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet the love of your life and have an exit affair? Or break it off with your wife before you cheat. Or maybe she’ll die in a car accident.

But either way, move on emotionally and don’t let her fuck with you anymore. I get it. We so want them to join us in the world of adult feelings. But they’re just so broken that they don’t even see how broken they are.

Pain is inevitable. But we can stop suffering by stopping unrealistic hopes.

Stay married if it’s better for you- but stop hoping that you’re married to a fully functioning adult. Because you aren’t.

The hope is creating suffering. Your marriage can suck, and you don’t need to leave. You just need to stop hoping she changes.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 5:38 PM, Tuesday, September 9th]

Maybe this perspective helps. I’ve never been skinny skinny. Ever. Well maybe twice. But I was totally anorexic. And even then I was still a shitty anorexic, I only made it to healthy, not skinny, lol.

I am also aging. It’s just a fact.

Hoping my spouse becomes an empathetic person is like hoping I’ll be skinny and get younger.

It’s not likely. So I should change the way I’m thinking.

Like I am planning trips on my own with the money I would otherwise spend on alimony. For $9000 a month I can take some fucking awesome trips, which get me out of the house away from him and create memories away from him, I bought an awesome sports car and drive it like I stole it every day. Every day. I’m using my alimony money for charity with people I love. And frankly, it’s making me feel better than if I paid alimony.

I’m not having sex with him because it sucked anyway. And frankly, I’m prolly at risk of my own affair. But if that’s the impetus it takes to get me to file for divorce, then that’s ok. I’ll serve up an exit affair as I leave I would be thrilled to have anything to feel something inside that makes me less dead. But I won’t make the mistake of thinking I want to stay. It’s just not time to leave. Yet.

And I’m transparent about it all with him. He gets "Zombie wife". And I guess that’s fine with him. He has health insurance and a huge house that he works minimally for. He can cheat again for all I care. It happened anyway, despite me leaning in and making sure he had a lot of sex. Didn’t work well for me, so I’ll make myself happy now.

I think there should be more support for "Zombie marriages" because there are others out there having this experience, too. Limbo implies I’m waiting. I prefer to think of it as palliative care for my marriage. It’ll eventually die, maybe when one of us dies, or maybe sooner. Whatevs.

You shouldn’t live for another person anyway. Ever.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 5:31 PM, Tuesday, September 9th]

You shouldn’t live for another person anyway. Ever.

Agreed. Too often we learn this lesson too late.

You can stop the suffering and still remain married. You just have to stop hoping she will change. Accept who she is and get what you can out of her. Which is what they did to us in the first place.