SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I are both 73 and have been married for 53 years. We have two children, 4 grandchildren and a great granddaughter on the way. Six months ago while cleaning out my mother and father-in-law’s house to sale. I discovered a box of letters. Maybe 30 or 40 letters with 4 of the letters open on top of the stack. I immediately recognized the handwriting as my wife’s. The letters were very deep very passionate and very sexual. I read one letter and picked up another trying to understand what I was reading and who they were written to. After I had read four of the letters I finally realized that they were love letters written by my wife to her apparent lover who was at the time her foster brother and second cousin. He has since become her adopted brother as a result of an adult adoption about 4 years ago.

He was 16 when the relationship started and she was 18. As best I can tell it lasted 2 to 3 years and ended (if it did end) about a year before we got married. I was 20 and she was 21. I know that the relationship is long past history. But it is by no means in our past. He is still part of the family therefore the physical relationship may have ended but the emotional relationship is very much alive. This is complicated by the fact that when I confronted her with the letters she vehemently denied that it ever happened. I asked her if we should get the letters and read them together and she replied that it wasn’t what I thought. I asked, "then tell me what it was". She said it wasn’t any of my bussiness. We had only three conversations about it and she stonewalled each conversation with "its ancient history, he’s my brother and it’s none of your business".

I am coming to grips with the fact that we sat at the family table for 53 years and I was not the only man at the table that had sex with my wife. I also saw comments in the letters that her parents knew about the relationship and were "unhappy". The thing I struggle with the most is her reaction to my discovery of the relationship. She has stonewalled, her body language, eye contact and voice tone told me that everything she told me was a lie or a half truth. Also she now act like nothing ever happened.

I feel betrayed. Not so much by the relationship that occurred before we were married but the fact that what ever the relationship was or is, trumps our 53 year marriage. I need her to tell me what the relationship was, how long it lasted and how it ended. I don care what kind of games they played in bed. I just need to know what their relationship was and is so I can know what our relationship really is.

At this point I done think their affair ever truly ended it may have only changed. They have always been close. I am slowly coming to the realization that she probably never loved me but saw me as a consolation prize or a Plan B of some kind.

I am trying to decide at 73 if I can stay in a relationship where I was never truly chosen. I need a new perspective. .

Most people agree to stay silent on their previous relationships. If you had not found the letters you would never have known. One of her parents evidently found them and kept them since they were in their possession.
How has she treated you throughout your marriage? If she has been a loving companion who never made you feel second place she probably loves you.
I am sure she planned on taking this secret to her grave. It makes me wonder why someone saved the letters.
You feel threatened by this info but as a social worker I can tell you this is not rare. Boundaries are often crossed by cousins and sometimes siblings. I don’t condone it, I just recognize it happens,
I think it’s time for the two of you to see a MC to help you wade through your shock and her shame. This happened a long time ago. Both of you are very different people from then. Before you throw out a good marriage see a specialist to help you sort it out.

She treated me like a partner. Subdued but present early on. Not particularly passionate. Avoided PDA. Has never been able to have conversations about intimacy. As time went on she became more distant and less communicative. She never talked about her feelings and never asked about mine. She avoided conflict at all costs. Her way of handling disagreement was to drop it. When we disagreed she would walk away. In a day or so it was like nothing ever happened. Sometimes I followed up sometimes I didn’t. That’s on me. About 25 years ago intimacy faded. And I became concerned. Tried to ask questions but got no answers. I chalked it up to the demands of raising grandkids. Ten years ago kindness was gone and alarm bells began to ring in my mind. I could not connect to her at all. She was still helpful with projects but I could do nothing to please her. No communication no kindness a lot of sarcasm lots of quiet days. Thats where we are today.

Here mother kept the letters. I know that because the box was labeled with the brother’s name in her in her handwriting. I suspect she read the letter because 4 of them were open on top of the others stacked in the box. Her mother passed away 2 years before I discovered the letters. I can’t imagine why her mother would keep something so potentially destructive. When I told my wife about the letters she commented that "I can’t believe mom kept the letters". Not "those letters" or "a bunch of old letters" but "the letters". I don’t know what that means.

I told her the next day that I was having trouble processing this and ask if she would attend counseling with me. She flatly refused. I saw a counselor for six sessions. He asked if she would attended, I asked her again and she again refused. She said she was not going to sit there and listen to two men talk about how terrible a person she was. I told her nobody thinks that. Not me and certainly not him. She still refused to go.

You are right we are both very different people. She said things to him in the letters that she never told me in our most passionate moments. In the first few minutes that I read those words I was jealous. But that quickly turned into the realization that she never felt for me what she felt for him that’s what made me wonder if she "settled" for me. The affair is history. It was before my time. I get it. There is nothing to forgive because she or he never wronged me that I know of. The problem is her reaction to it. She never once told me she loved me. I told her I just need to know that she loved me. She said that she will never give me any reassurance. She will never help me understand the relationship because it is none of my business. she then said she would never tell me how she feels. If I wanted that I should have married someone else. I still don’t care about that old relationship. I only care about why that secret is more important to her than helping me process that old history and moving on with our long marriage.

I am struggling not to throw our marriage away. I am trying to understand it. It is clearly not what I thought it was.

Thanks for the added info. Oddly I happened on a "therapist" online who dealt with men who had affairs. The primary reason was lack of intimacy. Not pushing cheating just info on feeling alone, and lonely, in a marriage. Is this you? Sometimes people don’t have the need for it. It might be how they were born or how they were raised. Either way they guard themselves. In your case you need it. Sit with her and TELL her exactly what you have written here. If she genuinely cannot cross whatever emotional barrier she has you might have your future decision made for you right that minute.
You are coming up on a new year. Look at what you want in 2026. Take your time. Look after yourself and do not feel guilty about demanding some happiness. This is your one trip around the sun. Good luck.

I’d be beyond devastated to find such letters, and I’d absolutely be suffering the same thoughts you’re having now. I think it’s more than fair to question her love for you, your position as Plan B, and, worst of all, the ONGOING betrayal all this time of having him in the family, as her "brother", after all the sex, with you never knowing. That’s simply cruel. And now she refuses to discuss it? Unacceptable!!!!

Zero chance I could simply let that go. You accepted the low-affection marriage she gave you, only to learn conclusively she’s much more passionate than she ever let on. It’s more than possible they’ve continued this entire time. I’d give her a choice: write out a detailed timeline, including the nature of their relationship post wedding, to be confirmed with a polygraph, OR you’ll proceed straight to divorce. Thing is, you must mean it. She’ll smell a bluff a mile away. Use your (righteous) anger to motivate you. She won’t budge unless you can muster your resolve to get the full truth, or D, and she must believe you are serious.

Keep posting.

Have you read the rest of the letters?

Was it just the top 4 letters that were open and read? Or were all open, just 4 pulled out?

You deserve happiness my friend. This includes a dissolution from your toxic WW with you saying that you have discovered something about WW that made you realize that you cannot continue.

The problem with the so-called 'advice' in posts #2 (which read to me as advising you to rugsweep--ugh!) and post # 4, is that your WW is NOT on your side, so talking with her about your needs is useless. C'mon, you don't think she didn't already know that she was barely going through the motions in how she treated you all these years?

The sunken costs here, after 53 years, are huge. But you are coming on an age when women your dating pool, way outnumber men, so do you know how good the odds are in your favor should you reenter the dating market?

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:16 PM, Saturday, November 29th]

And...her unwillingness to help you through any of this or to try to reassure you of your (quite understandable) doubts about the past 53 years of your life, makes me think that this was NOT a previous (if inappropriate) relationship before you and she got serious. Indications are you barely have the tip of the iceberg.

I am so so sorry you are here for this reason my friend...

All of the letters had been opened. I assume the four on the top that were out of the envelopes were read by whomever put them in the box. That would have been her mother. Those four were the only four letters I read. My wife insisted that I destroy the rest. I dropped them in a compactor at the local dump while she stood beside me. At that time t thought surly she would tell me what it was all about so the letter didn’t matter. Man was I wrong. She completely stonewalled me. One of the stark realizations from all of this has been her total lack of empathy for my feelings. I regret not keeping and reading each one. Had I done that I most certainly would not still have a marriage (if I ever did). But at least I would have understanding.

I am so sorry but right now you do NOT have a marriage nor do you have a wife, only a woman just PRETENDING to be your wife. Likely this affair has been going on for at least a few years while you and she were married with you not suspecting anything.

How long did it take for her to write all those letters? Surely more than just the couple of years she and her AP were together....

During the counseling sessions the counselor repeatedly used phrases like Her underlying wound being shame and protecting herself from intimacy. I googled those and other terms. They lead me down the attachment style rabbit hole. From the counselor discussions, books I have read and questions to an AI. The consensus seems to be that she is strongly Dismissive Avoidant. That is not any kind of official diagnosis but fits her entire character. When I first read the letters many things from our relationship snapped into place. One of those things was that she never seemed to draw any emotional support from me. I concluded from the letters that she drew her emotional support from him for all these years. If this attachment style stuff is valid. She never drew emotional support from anyone because she never needed it. I don’t know which is worse being second fiddle to her true love or simply being a solution to a problem on her mind. Either way I never had a chance

I can only guess at how long it took to write all of those letters. We dated in high school. She broke up with me in our junior year which is the same time her foster brother came to live with them. She never openly dated anyone during her remaining high school years. I suspect the spark was lit fairly soon after he came. He was 15 and she was 17 at the time. The most seductive letter I read was written Whe she was in the second semester of her first year in college or her first semester of her sophomore year. The way she wrote about what she was going to do when she got home sounded like a married relationship. At that time he would have been 16 or 17 and she would have been 19 or 20 but it was clearly a long term relationship. As best as I. A determine the physical relationship lasted between 1-1/2 and 3 years. I don’t know what happened after that. we got back together about 6 months later. We were married about a year after the most seductive letter was written. I was 20 and she was 21. All of this is a guess based on things happening in our small town that I was aware of And that she wrote about in the letter. None of the letters were dated and I couldn’t read any of the 50 year old postmarks.

One of the baffling things about all of this is her mother’s role. The letters meant something to my wife’s brother because he kept them. Their mother boxed them up knowing about the relationship and put them in the attic. Her mother was ecstatic when we announced our engagement. Her father was quiet. Only my wife knows the truth of all of this and she will take it to her grave. Her words not mine.

She never drew emotional support from anyone because she never needed it. I don’t know which is worse being second fiddle to her true love or simply being a solution to a problem on her mind. Either way I never had a chance

So the question now is: what are you going to do about this? With her current attitude, and proven history of forcing you to do unwise things (like shred the evidence against her), meaning she’s almost certainly convinced she has full and total control over you (does she?), and refuses any kind of counseling, I only see two options for you:

1. Rugsweep. Pretend it never happened. Cross your fingers she’s not continued this relationship in a physical way deep into your married years. Tell yourself the emotional components she continues to get from him, and the loyalty she shows him is "just fine". He’s her "brother", after all, right?

2. Decide this situation is unacceptable. Proceed as I advised above.

It’s your life and you’re free to choose what seems best to you. As WontBeFooled said, you still have time to find a woman who’d truly value YOU for who you are as her "Plan A".

What do I do? Solo counseling seemed pointless because the problem is not me. The problem is us. I have followed and continue to follow the suggestions dealing with a dismissive avoidant. This has produced a more cordial roommate atmosphere by protecting her independence and not requiring any closeness in return. This gives her what she needs while I continue to abandon more of myself and die a slow death of lack of connection and any kind of affection or consideration.

I came to this site at the recommendation of an AI of all things. It said I need to tell my story to a human being. since I have no one I can talk to without blowing up my family and Other forums looked like a bunch of sick people feeding on each other. Here I am.

I think I know what I need to do. I came here in desperate hopes of someone telling me I was all wrong and that everything was going to be fine but nobody has at this point. I have actually begun to make preparations for a move after the first of the year.

I am a healthy 73-year old. I feel isolated and alone sitting 10 feet from the woman I have loved for 53 years. I am hoping that being completely alone is going to allow me to breathe again but I doubt it.

Right mow friend, you are in shock and so as a matter of self-protection, you are FOOLING yourself. You had a wife and a marriage that you thought was one way....your WW not giving you what you need because you thought she COULDN'T do so aka your Avoidant-Dismissive take on her, to your WW not giving you what you need for a comletely different reason.

Your WW aka the Shrew-Lady is not dismissive-avoidmant, she was not dismissive-avoidant to her AP.

Friend if you stay you are going to DIE under the spell of the Wicked Witch. But, you CAN break free from her and her evil spell.

Sorry, cross-posted. Leaving the *self-censored* WILL be VERY hard. It will be the hardest thing ever. But it WILL get easier!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:19 PM, Saturday, November 29th]

I came here in desperate hopes of someone telling me I was all wrong and that everything was going to be fine but nobody has at this point.

Just a slight word of caution: this is an infidelity forum. Things posted here are all seen thru that lens. It’s not entirely established here that your wife cheated on you, unless I missed something in your story. I’ll say that your tale sounds a lot like the ones that come here and I wouldn’t be surprised if an EA at least or full blown PA happened. But you also may "just" have a cold wife. Dealing with a faithful but frigid wife is really not our speciality.

The real question is, of course: do you think everything is fine?

[This message edited by InkHulk at 11:02 PM, Saturday, November 29th]

I understand InkHulks word of caution. I do not know that the sexual relationship followed us into our marriage but the emotional relationship absolutely did. I just what to know what it was and is now. I have been told repeatedly that it was not what I think but what it actually was is none of my bussiness. It was a long time ago and he is my brother now. I can’t accept that it is a betrayal of trust.

Is the brother married? Have you spoken with him? He might shed some different light on the story.