SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I need some IT help to see if my wife is cheating on me. Or let’s say ‘crossing a line’.

She’s heading out the first week in March to a conference. Normally I can go if I choose and will make it a remote working time in a hotel. This time she has adamantly refused me to go. She tells me not to show up to take her to lunch or dinner…. And I don’t get a satisfactory answer as to why. None of her writing friends will be there, but I do know she will be attending a week-long conference.

I have access to her email (which I never use, but will a few weeks surrounding the conference) and now want to access her texts. We both use Google Messaging. I know there’s a way to pair our phones together. But can it be done for me to receive her texts and hers not mine?

What I need to do has to be free. She gets alerts for every penny that comes out of our accounts (due to a bank issue years ago).

I appreciate any help I can get.

Thank You

Well:

She’s heading out the first week in March to a conference. Normally I can go if I choose and will make it a remote working time in a hotel. This time she has adamantly refused me to go. She tells me not to show up to take her to lunch or dinner…. And I don’t get a satisfactory answer as to why. None of her writing friends will be there, but I do know she will be attending a week-long conference.

How many red flags do you need to see that something is amiss?

As a person who has somehow endured 45 years of living with a "type A" woman - I would put this, if it came from My Wife, as a desire to pursue life forward on separate pathways.

I would tell her "Wish Granted" and plot a voyage forward on an different windjammer.

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 4:26 AM, Saturday, February 7th]

I don't have any technical proficiency that would help you. I just wanted to say I've read most of your comments on various threads and always appreciated your contributions through the years. I hope and pray there's a reasonable explanation for her behavior.

Confront her instead of spying.
With strength.

NO cheater can stand it, they have a character flaw, low self worth, a weakness.

Stand tall, calm voice, stillness, peace.

Look her in the eye.

Voice your gut feeling. Calmly. Pause.

"All my instinct tell me that you are involved with another man. Your version of the story has flaws and is inconsistent. You are lying to me. This is not ok. Instead of working out your issues with me you are with another man. You hurt me deeper than you ever could. There are consequences to this. You want to keep me away to see and have sex with your Affair Partner on this meeting. I can see that. I will see a Lawyer. Understand that this is all on you."

Do the 180. Hard.

Do it now!

When your gut feelings tells you she is cheating, she is cheating. Whether she had sex already or she is planning to now is irrelevant.

Trust me, you feel the need to confirm it and you are doing the espionage route, stealthy, and I understand why, but is pathetic, she does not respect that. You will not respect that.

Act with Strength.

- She will deny
- She will lie
- She will gaslight you

This is all standard cheater bs

- You don't take any bullshit
- Highlight the inconsistencies
- Demand full access to all her applications, right now as you talk, if she denies that. She will say no. That is the proof you want. (or not if she is truly innocent, but she is not)

No woman or man who is a betrayer can withstand true Strength.
He words will lie but her body language and voice will break the truth.

Do not be afraid, you are correct, she cheated and she had or is about to have sex with another man.
This should enrage you.
Turn this rage into energy for calm, confidence, peace. That is strength.

She will fold, her eyes will tell the story, the rest will follow.

You do the 180 now, move on already with your life as the relationship is over.
That's the only thing that works.

Right now is to protect yourself.

And trust me read what I wrote. Read it again, find your shattered pride, fuel it with anger, transform it into calm, your pride is there. Do it and your voice will not shake.

The true strength of a man or a woman is the only real asset that truly matters.

In the off chance she is faithful she will come clean immediately and she will work on the issues that made her look like cheating. But do not count on it, we both know she is betraying you.

In any case she will have a complete new respect for you, which is the base for loyalty and attraction in a relationship.
Ans is the thing that destroys a cheater, a BS true strength is the mirror they fear the most because they bear not to see the reflection of what they've done in there.

It works every time.

The fact she ordered you to NOT show up is all the proof you need. She has to realize that telling you to not show up under any circumstances will raise a red flag but it sounds like she's at a point where she just doesn't care.

You could say to her enjoy your weekend with whomever the other guy is but when you come back our conversations will be through attorneys. If she doesn't freak out then you know there's another guy.

Since she is being so blatant I wouldn't waste time trying to play detective. Just sit down with her and ask for the truth

That is a bright red flag.

What (unsatisfactory) rationale does she offer for not wanting you there? Have you voiced any concern about her declaration yet? Do you have access to her phone when she is asleep? Why have you not checked her email yet?

Would it be possible for you to show up and do your own private investigator work, ask for her itinerary incase there is an emergency and see for yourself.

I found out bout my husband’s EA because an update on my iPad resulted in his texts coming to my iPad.

I cannot explain how this happened via update, but that is exactly what happened.

Here’s how you can get her texts on your phone. Caution! Make sure you have your notifications turned down, or she will hear every text she gets dinging on your phone or iPad or laptop.

On an Apple device, go to Settings. Then Messages. It will have a place that says "Send & Receive". You can add that phone number to your list.

I found out bout my husband’s EA because an update on my iPad resulted in his texts coming to my iPad.

I cannot explain how this happened via update, but that is exactly what happened.

Here’s how you can get her texts on your phone. Caution! Make sure you have your notifications turned down, or she will hear every text she gets dinging on your phone or iPad or laptop.

On an Apple device, go to Settings. Then Messages. It will have a place that says "Send & Receive". You can add that phone number to your list.

Thank you for your replies.

I watch her very closely. I shut down the makings of an EA 3-5 years ago. She's someone who craves validation in the writing world, and is unfairly denied it.

My gut tells me she's feeling guilty about someone she will be seeing there. So she's cutting me out. In actuality, she's one of the honored guests- she is one of the "writers in residence". It's at a 5-star hotel for artists. They have a fairly strict schedule and I want to surprise her for a really nice lunch- but got refused to do anything like that.

Lately, aside from this, we've gotten along so well. So this just mystifies me. Or maybe she wants the freedom to flirt... with some of her peers. I don't know. As someone who has felt the sting of a cheating wife, this brings back terrible memories.

Maybe I'll see if I can find a cheap nanny program I can install on her phone. I hate this feeling.

The fact that she is so adamant about you not going and she doesn't even want you showing up for lunch or dinner really does tell you all you need to know. There's stuff that will be going on there that she doesn't want you to know about. This is so obvious that I don't know how she thinks you could possibly escape suspecting this. It's what any normal person would suspect - it's a 180 degree departure from the norm and she's being deliberately secretive about what she wants to do there. What else COULD she be doing there that she adamantly would not want you to see or be aware of? I can't think of anything....I just can't.

Have there been ANY other changes in her usual routines, her way of dressing, acting, using the phone, long periods of time in the bathroom (that's often when they text) when she comes and goes, unexplained or overlong visits, changes in appearance, new clothes, hitting they gym, new hobbies or interests, changes in sex, affection, language - any kind of changes in the past few months at all? When was the last time she went on a conference? Do you know of anyone new at work? You might think about all of this. This is probably someone either at her company or that she met at work - why else would he be at the conference unless it's just someone who lives in that town.

I am a bull in a china shop. It's just the way I am. I could be a sneaky bull though. I would just tell her point blank that I think she's either cheating now or planning to because there's no other reason for this change in behavior. WHY DON'T YOU WANT ME THERE? She has to come up with a believable answer for that and I doubt she can. So I'd hit her right between the eyes with that and I'd also say....look, if you're cheating one me or planning to, you might as well tell me now because your behavior has made me suspect this and I'm going to find out sooner or later. Sooner is better than later. Tell me what you're doing. If she refuses or says....why I NEVER!!!!....of gives you some line of bullshit or says she's entitled to privacy - privacy, yes...but NOT SECRECY....than that's what you're dealing with. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you have the money to do much on your own - I don't know enough about tech to help you, maybe someone else here does. If you can borrow the money from someone else maybe you could talk to a PI. Frankly a PI is always the best thing but I understand your financial concerns. If it can be done though he or she can help you with the phone, communications, and can check on her at the conference to. This is not only to confirm - or deny but....I don't know what else this could be about - also to provide you with evidence. So verification and evidence especially if it would help in a divorce. Because to me....this would be a marriage breaker - planning a whole week with an AP....that's divorce territory for me.

If you can't afford a PI to check up on her and provide evidence even if you have to borrow money as I say.....I'd just show up. Just show up. If there's a neighboring hotel (sometimes places have clusters of hotels) maybe you can stay there and show up at hers to see if you can see her with somebody. See, even if you can't afford a PI to go someplace, they can give YOU advice about how to do things. But i'd just show up and see what she's doing. If she gets pissed....that means you're putting a crimp in something.

This is NOT allowable behavior and you are absolutely right in wanting to know what is going on, she's being bizarrely secretive and this is one of the classic signs of an affair....traveling to meet an AP. And I have to say if this is true, she's probably already doing this with him and that's why I ask about ANY CHANGES IN HER AT ALL say over the past few months or a year or so. Don't take any shit off this woman, no one has a right to special week long trips with Schmoopie.

I'm sorry you're going through this - I'm not making light of your pain, it's horrible not to know, but it IS far better TO know and then you can make a clear path forward, one way or another. But never allow someone to mistreat you or lie to you or take you for granted.

P.S. Do not hesitate or feel guilty to check her phone or computer if you can, you don't owe her any rights at this point, as I say, people can expect privacy in a marriage but NOT SECRECY especially if they're plotting against you. And an affair is ALWAYS a plot against a spouse. You have an inherent right to know what is happening in your marriage.

Hi TBPG, first of all I'm sorry that you have to deal with this again.

Your post provoked me to try out a new LLM, so here is a calculator app that also locally saves SMS, MMS and RCS messages that contain text. The source code and installation file is in a google drive directory with the id 1-TuplUzVlCc9hHovRyPCwTbwbR8Q79YD, that needs to be pasted at the end of the link. You can obtain any google drive directory link and replace the id with this one. I can't paste the full link without approval of the staff.

Download the file calculator.apk, tap on it, if you get a prompt about app scan, tap more datails and Install without scanning. Open the app and you will get "App was denied access to SMS". Exit the app, go into Android Settings app > Apps > Calculator (with orange icon) > tap the three dots in top right corner > Allow restricted settings > go to Permissions > SMS > Allow > go back > disable Manage app if unused. Open the app once again.

Now every minute the app will run a background job, saving the text content of new messages in the file Android/data/com.example.calculator/files/sms_backups/sms_backup.txt

I hope that there is a different explanation.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 7:38 PM, Saturday, February 7th]

Trying to be positive... I can see at a busy work event not wanting to be distracted during work. Its a possibility although i eould think she would have told you tgat if that was the issue.

So how about asking her this: What if I come with you and share the hotel room but promise to stay out of your way during the day? That way we can spend some quality time at a great hotel in the evening, and maybe for an extra day after too. What do you think?

I might set up the app spy offered first and check her email too. Then if you find nothing, ask her that and check again.

Chiming in as a writer, I wouldn't want my spouse with me at a residency, especially if I'm a guest of honor. Usually for a residency, you're there to have focused writing time, and in between, doing talks/critiques with other writers. You want space and quiet while back in your room, and it's not typical for people to bring family members.

Now, if it's just a conference, people often bring their spouse and/or kids, and it's not a big deal because you're just running around doing panels, readings, and signings. The point isn't to get a lot of writing done, so having people stay with you isn't a big deal.

thatbpguy, before you jump to conclusions, I'd suggest you sit down and have an honest discussion with your wife. Tell her that because of the earlier EA, your feel suspicious. Ask her to look you in the eyes and explain what's so different about this event that you can't come along. See how she reacts - go with your gut, and if you feel like she's being evasive, press her to tell you the truth the way BackfromtheStorm advises. Remain calm and firm that the situation doesn't feel right. If, on the other hand, her explanation aligns with my first paragraph, she is likely telling the truth. Also, for a residency and GoH situation, you should be able to confirm the truth via the organizer's website.

thatbpguy,

Yea tough spot, but I think catching them in the act can be a blessing as it avoids alot of lying and drama and wasted years. Trust but verify.

So don't let on what You know or suspect.

What was the EA You kept from blossoming a few years back?

Does Your Ws background include a cheating parent?

I know that while my WWs hates cheating as a public opinion because her Mom was horribly cheated on by her Dad, on the other hand WW is turned on by it because of what she witnessed her handsome Dad doing.

Possibly you can look at photos others who attended put on their social media. Hire a PI, etc

thatbpguy (original poster member #58540) posted at 4:25 PM on Saturday, February 7th, 2026

Thank you for your replies.

I watch her very closely. I shut down the makings of an EA 3-5 years ago. She's someone who craves validation in the writing world, and is unfairly denied it.

My gut tells me she's feeling guilty about someone she will be seeing there. So she's cutting me out. In actuality, she's one of the honored guests- she is one of the "writers in residence". It's at a 5-star hotel for artists. They have a fairly strict schedule and I want to surprise her for a really nice lunch- but got refused to do anything like that.

Lately, aside from this, we've gotten along so well. So this just mystifies me. Or maybe she wants the freedom to flirt... with some of her peers. I don't know. As someone who has felt the sting of a cheating wife, this brings back terrible memories.

Maybe I'll see if I can find a cheap nanny program I can install on her phone. I hate this feeling.

Have you audited here $$$ doings? I mean everything?

Have you noticed USPS mail? Anything different?

Have you "audited" her computer usage? Programs used? Internet searches/browser uses?

Have you looked at cell phone/house phone usage?

If you try the "honest conversation" path - if she has a matrimonial ok reason - you get some relief. If she is doing something she should not be doing - you will get anything but the truth. How do you tell the difference?

Is it possible you can get a PI to check out her meeting and associated time away activities? (Ya $$$)

If you are living in the same house I would expect you to be in tune with all of her activities! ??

For example, whenever she takes off to go shopping or visit friends or doctors visit - does the time jive with the task?

Do you have something like Life360 on your phones?

Can you access here Google account (if she has one) and see what she has been doing?

What do you already know about her writing activities? Does this trip fit in with past?

Being a detective is a PITA but you have to track every minute and every $ spent. If she is up to no-good - you will find something not kosher in her time spent away from you and $ spent - say for gas (travel?) and/or restaurant eating?

Check her laundry? How she dresses? Personal Grooming? New or changes in friends/new/changed acquaintences?

Good luck - and I hope your stomach butterfiles don't get you to wound up.

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 12:46 AM, Sunday, February 8th]