SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There's the core issue again: disrespect. Good for you 1stWife. I wish I understood why so many people do that kind of taking their spouse for granted, but clearly it is a very widespread problem.

He’s always done his fair share around the house. He cooks dinner, shops, cleans etc. He spots mess before me usually. Does kids sport and plays and school events.

He stopped doing most things when he was cheating and I was run ragged as I tried to pick up the slack while working full time and while falling apart. I lost weight (that I didn’t need to lose) very quickly as I was so anxious and couldn’t eat. I had to buy new clothes it was so bad. I went a bit loopy at the gym and weight I didn’t need to lose just fell off me. I’d have to hold myself together and not cry until I was alone as he would treat me with contempt if I cried. It’s things like this that hasn’t helped. As I said I’m adopted and what I wanted from marriage may be a little different to other people. I’m reluctant to blame much on adoption I’m at peace with it and never struggled with it (like some children do) instead I am greatful and I think it has really made me who I am today - I think for everything adoption has made harder for me, I have also gained something. I’m fiercely loyal if I CHOOSE to be. I will stand up and say my mind about something I value even if it’s not popular. I’m not a wall flower. I am very sociable and chameleon like -( that can be bad sometimes as I adapt easily depending on who I talk to). And I research facts for fun. I spent a long time stuck in research mode and you can’t solve infidelity like you solve a problem. I also think people can change - I have.

I won’t tell him what to do to help me. I’m probably too stubborn to be honest. Instead I am detaching. He seems to try and hug me more and he makes bids but my heart isn’t in it. He would always kiss and hug me when I was sad. Or at I would curl up next to him or follow him around. I’d call him if I was on lunch break or leaving a meeting at work. But he knows it won’t work anymore. He did all of that while lying to my face.

I’m not even sure myself what he could do to fix things now. But posting here, saying sorry, and having values may be a good start I guess.

I wanted to be special to someone - (adoption issue maybe). I know I’m fun, outgoing, up for anything, hard working, loyal. He didn’t recognise what he had and more fool him. He looks for what he DOESNT have. I now see a lot of people do this. It’s not really something I do. Maybe that’s adoption - I was happy with my adoptive family. I’m never dreamed of what could have been. I was happy with my job, my choice of degree, my marriage. I might moan but I’d chosen a path and it was my choice so I was happy with it. He is scared of missing out (death issue - early bereavement). Scared he won’t have enough time. I wanted to share my life and make the most of our time. I’d cram things into holidays or have days out - making the most of our time off. But I know we can’t do everything and that was okay. I would get grumpy and really tired but 3 under 5 does that to you.

Because I am a good partner (not the best) but I never said a bad thing about him to anyone, until he cheated- loyal and trustworthy. One of his complaints to the counsellor was I didn’t spend enough time on my hobby. (I was out the house 50-60 hours a week at work plus we have kids). I’d take us on 4 vacations a year. But not doing my hobby enough was an issue He felt I wasn’t willing to let him change my mind on things (that actually makes me giggle now - he’s sure as hell made me change my mind about him - he was a huge influence in that). I was too controlling - I was careful with money as I want to make sure we can retire, I’d book holiday (but always asked for input) - the aim was to retire early and travel or work less hours or move to the coast - whatever really.

His lines and complaints were the cliches of a cheat.

And he’s a fool for not seeing what he had. Everyone said how good we were together - and he has had months of falling apart. where he said he regrets choice he made. Where he said he would wait until I was well and then he’d leave if that’s what I wanted. Times where he said he feels being dead is a better option (and this was not said in a way to manipulate me - it was at a point it wouldn’t have worked) . He’s cried himself to sleep. He’s cried driving to work. I watched him fall apart when he realised what he had done. But by then my heart had hardened and as he grieved our marriage and what he had lost I was unable to console him. Maybe a pat on the shoulder. I can see him try some days. He puts a brave face on. Maybe another person could work with it.

I’m not sure what personality traits I would need to do so. But I think my past, which has made me chameleon like, good at masking how I feel, good at playing the long game, quick to stand up for what I believe and put my neck on the line for it, might also be a barrier. I don’t like being wronged, I don’t like cowardice or lack of integrity. And I struggle with loss. And it is rare for me to attach to someone and the pain of those months when I had to deal with his rejection while blaming me were so painful. He severed the attachment and im not sure I’m able to attach to him again in the way i did when i chose to marry him - that’s likely to be an adoption issue but it’s huge (for me).

If you are married to someone with a fragile ego you unconsciously begin to protect it. Years later you realize that you and your spouse have set up your relationship to allow him/her to be selfish while you stay in the background. The first time I said no to my husband it was something so silly but he was entitled to know what I meant by it. It was about me painting a room instead of fixing dinner. Neither one of us knew how to manage me having a spine so we went back to our default ways…until I went to work and had to deal with people who heard that word from me all the time. Who saw me as a witness in court. I gradually learned I have the same rights as he and I also learned how powerful silence is when someone subtly puts me down. It doesn’t happen anymore.
I hope the mods will let me suggest this book. It is by an attorney, Jefferson Fisher. He gives many ways to be kind to yourself. He has responses that make a difference in continuing a conversation instead of an argument.

I share some of the personality traits and issues that you're attributing to possibly being due to adoption, and I'm not adopted. I wanted to be special to someone, to be their "one and only" after marriage, and to "mate for life" at that point. For me, it stemmed from romantic notions of love as well as a strong sense of commitment.

And it is rare for me to attach to someone and the pain of those months when I had to deal with his rejection while blaming me were so painful. He severed the attachment and im not sure I’m able to attach to him again in the way i did when i chose to marry him

I too don't attach easily to people. In my case, I think it's because we moved around quite often when I was growing up, so I had to leave a lot of friends behind. I coped (subconsciously) but not allowing myself to get too attached to a place or a group of people.

I felt exactly the same about my marriage a year or so after DDay. WS had rejected me and hurt me so much that I gradually detached, and once that had happened, I couldn't find a way to reattach. I couldn't feel love. He wasn't attractive to me anymore. I still struggle to feel love, honestly, even with people I know I love (like my kid and my parents). There's a lot of fondness and care, but not *love*. It's very strange to have this blankness where I know there used to be a feeling.

What is next for you, Abcd, given that you feel this way?

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 1:56 AM, Friday, December 5th]